So I did something I hadn’t done in a long time.

I went to Mass.

I was joyful. I was sad.

The one I loved, the one I sacrificed myself for, the one I dedicated my life to. Who then inexplicably threw it all away for no apparent reason, don’t think even he knows why he did it.

The one I would have overcome any hurdle for, fought and faced any and all darkness, gone down battling, never give up, never give in.

I don’t know why he committed suicide in the end, when everything was finally working out.

He is the living dead. He is one of those horrible cases where someone attempted suicide; they haven’t died yet, but they can’t be saved. You say goodbye; you say, the doctors can’t save you; there is nothing I can do.

You love them and forgive them, and that cannot save them. It isn’t enough.

In the end, he did what he wanted. Like he said to so many people, so many times. People do what they want.

I sat in Mass. It was a children’s Mass. The gospel was the story of the beheading of John the Baptist, which is a rather interesting and dramatic story.

The priest was addressing children, so he skipped all the stuff adults realize about that. He said instead, that was pretty mean of them to cut off John the Baptist’s head. Why are people mean?

Suddenly no question had ever seemed more relevant. Why ARE people mean?

I did everything for this man. What I asked for was…lunch. I was hungry. I just wanted lunch.

He could have popped over to where I was, and we could have sat in the food court and had Panda Express. Talked like normal people. It would have been fun.

Instead of spending all of $10 on me for lunch maybe, or just even getting me somewhere where I could nosh, he was mean. And then ordered me to leave forever. So I did.

After all I did for him, think I am worth Panda Express. But that is besides the point. He was mean. He ended it all because I wanted lunch and was too scared to ask him for it.

Why are people mean? The priest said, because they don’t have God in their hearts.

It is so simple. So profound. This man above all didn’t have God in his heart, although God sent several rescue squads and three helicopters to try to save him.

There was someone with me today at Mass, someone who hides in the shadows, someone above all struggling to come to the light.

He sat next to me and we talked. Or I did. He mostly listened.

He was struggling with darkness. Repentance.

I said, I am really tired of seeing Jesus nuke people. I don’t think even Jesus likes it. He wanted the happy ending where we went to Panda Express.

But that’s not what happened. People do what they want.

So that guy instead is sitting, spiritually, alone, with everything burnt down around him. No one there to even be mean. No one there at all.

Demons for internal tormentors. He is already in Hell, just a matter of transitioning there. No hope. Alone.

Deep inside himself he dreams of a future that didn’t happen. Me sitting there with that smile and peals of laughter. Entertaining him. Eating shrimp and trying not to let on he actually feels good for once.

The one that didn’t happen. Because he was mean instead.

I said to that someone, I don’t want this fate for you. I am tired of having these conversations. I am tired of goodbye and nothing I can do. I am tired of Jesus doing world ending stuff because people were mean instead of nice.

If you don’t love me enough to do it for me, do it for you. I don’t want you to end up there too.

The someone said, you don’t believe in me.

I thought about this. I said, that guy, I believed in him. I said, you can do it. I believed he could. But in the end he said no.

I said, I have chosen not to bind or compel you, to try to force or manipulate you. I brought you here to the Light so you can decide. But you have to decide. No one can do it for you.

He said, again, you don’t believe in me.

I said, I believe you can do it. If you will.

He had kept his face hidden. He turned to me, a beautiful smile on his face.

I will, he said. And vanished.

I smiled. Fancy that.

My future will be bright. Many irons in the fire. Hope and peace.

And I will bury the dead and cherish their memories. 💗💗💗