Honesty.

I was just looking at last photos of famous people before they died. The one of Robin Williams…I am unsurprised looking at it, he committed suicide awhile later.

All the ones who committed suicide, you can see it in their eyes although their faces generally wear smiles.

Some of the ones fighting illness, like me, just went on until they didn’t. Worked and then stopped. Never stopped living until the very end.

Think that will be me.

I look great! My new PCP was very confused by my bad echo and the apparently healthy patient who handed her the paperwork.

She looked it all over, the echo with my notes, made a copy, and scheduled standard tests.

Then I had a bradycardic episode in her office.

People always wish they had an episode of their illness where the doc can witness it. Praise Jesus, that happened.

You know it is bad when the EKG machine doesn’t give a reading, spits out crap. Maybe the machine.

But then it finally does give a reading. And the tech breathlessly says, “I am going to leave you hooked up to the machine and get the doc, ok?”

That is bad.

And then the doc comes. Nothing is said. Next I hear she has beamed all to a cardiologist. I tell the tech, make sure she knows I was diagnosed with bradycardia and Long QTc syndrome.

I talk about heart replacement. I have a nice chat with the tech. Now noticing she didn’t disagree with that.

How the surgeon won’t write a home health aide order. He doesn’t care cardiology cleared me; he doesn’t want me to die on the table.

So his office is pestering him, get a backup plan, nothing yet.

With few exceptions, most of the people in those pics knew their time was almost up.

People say, the Lord can heal you! But He said He won’t.

Body been collapsing for some time. The heart abnormalities are related to serious lung issues, evidenced by a nodule and history of oxygen therapy.

The fact my heart was healthy for years, but is now structurally abnormal, means the lung issues have been there a long time.

My research indicates the whole thing is of a piece. It explains the Reynaud’s, potassium deficiency, even anemia. I had Reynaud’s and anemia in Denver.

Why is my thyroid insanely low? That started in 2017. My research says that is part of this as well.

Did the heart issues cause severe hypothyroidism or vice versa? Chicken and egg.

It is even related to my liver disease. Denver noted all these things. No one put it all together, just made a long list of diverse conditions.

That echo explained nearly all my health conditions.

I was looking for a sign to cancel surgery. Multiple heart conditions and a serious lung condition good enough for you, doubting Thomas?

I very much sense the world is going to go on without me not a long while from now.

Not long at all.