Been through so much. Been encouraged by those who love me, who are currently trying to take care of me, to use this blog as the therapy blog I started it as. Before the world went crazy.

Last night, one little thing went wrong, one little thing didn’t meet my expectations, and world ended. I lay there crying and really feeling at the end of my rope.

Jesus and the person with me recognized I was losing my crap. Kept telling Jesus, You must be mad at me, I don’t trust You, hit me with lightning to punish me, just take me out, kinda ranting. Staggering on and on through so many difficult things.

Awhile back, I met a wonderful man named Roy. Or so I thought. He had it all. Money, power, looks. Even a plane.

I let him sweep me away. He swept me into a huge mess I am still trying to dig myself out from under.

He was an underwater welder. Most of that time he was overseas. Kept trying to get home. Made a lot of bad decisions. Lost his money and job. Finally did come home to me but in disgrace.

We considered ourselves married but he was coming home to make it legal. He flew in Easter Sunday. Was supposed to meet him at his hotel; he never came down from the room.

He committed suicide instead. Leaving me holding the bag.

I didn’t ever get to stay in that beautiful hotel room, or get married and go to the fair like we had planned. I didn’t ever get walks on the beach, roses and wine. I didn’t get provided for lavishly and a beautiful life.

I never got to hang that guy on my arm, have women envy me. Never rode in his plane.

I got to go home with bills and a massive financial mess, and he was gone also.

His friends are trying to help. I have those who are trying to help.

Went to church, people said how is the bride to be? They had been asking about dresses. I had to tell them he was dead; there would be no wedding. No one knew how to handle that.

My trust…shattered. Roy made so many promises. And broke them all.

I broke down last night because my friend said he would help with something but it was delayed. This person has always been reliable. But last night I ran out of faith. Even one little delay. Even a person I know is trustworthy. Good or bad, this person can be relied on to keep his word.

Also I am in a financial nightmare because of all he did. He said he would fix everything. Then couldn’t face it all and died instead.

I am in real jeopardy in some ways. Think I have things worked out. But day to day, things are tough. Trying to survive, waiting for stuff to break my way.

At times I get mad at Jesus. Question Him. Why is life so tough? He has done really crazy things for me and honestly continues to. But life seems like an unending storm right now.

Roy’s friends want me to be stable. Just get situated, and then chill. Write in a journal. Self care. Write about Roy. Write about what that was like, what I went through.

I made a mistake today. Something fixable. The person talking to me had to say, this is an error, we love and accept you, it is an error. As I started wilting and dying inside. No resilience left.

We were utterly hopelessly in love. Romeo and Juliet in real life. No one had seen anything like it.

My friend said, guess what, being in love isn’t enough. I loved Roy, but I didn’t trust him.

There was a purpose to this, and it got accomplished. I discovered stuff about myself. Like haring off after a guy because he is rich, handsome, and promised the moon. And above all love.

But his actions were otherwise. I have yet to figure out what were mistakes and what were something darker. Believe both were involved.

The Lord accomplished His own Will and massively protected me. But it is over and he’s gone. And my tidy life, a hurricane came through and now I am standing on a dirt lot.

I didn’t get taken care of. I didn’t get the guy of every woman’s dreams. Travel across the world, nice places, lots of money. I will make you experience love. I didn’t get any of it.

I will heal all your hurts; I will be your knight in shining armor; forget your past.

Came home from the hotel to my apartment. To memories that would never happen.

Things are working out slowly. They look hopeful. But I catch my breath. I get hit with something and almost blown away.

There is so little faith left. So little strength. So little resilience.

I go on in hope, but it has almost all run out for me.