Broken body mind heart shielded under His wings, His literal wings. An impenetrable shield.
Inside only peace, joy and love. Incredible power and happiness.
Jesus has utterly had it with people breaking His wife, He is done.
I snuggle up to Him and we talk.
I ask Him about the man and the terrible choice. He says that man could have made literally any other choice. Danced a jig. Done nothing. And it would not have turned out misery for all.
He said, that is not even Satan’s will or fault for once. Satan has a very big problem. He has a fulfilled executed contract involving substitutionary blood sacrifice and a life obedience contract, the highest most powerful principles in the universe.
For this no payment was rendered, great or small. Not even a packet of Skittles. Nothing.
Satan MUST pay me, yet the Lord won’t allow me to accept anything from him.
He says the magick will eventually balance in cosmic ways of interest even to God. He will have to handle it; it is way beyond my paygrade.
I asked about the recent man. He said that was all Me. Really, why would you fall for this guy what would interest you naturally, why would you even consider it. He is jailbait!
I did it all; I created the bonds and happiness and union; I did everything. Perfect mate, wrapped up in a bow, here you go.
For some reason, he decided that wasn’t good enough as he is young and you are old. The Lord said, Seren if this was my actual Will you would not have broken and smashed like eggs on the pavement.
I would be in it, explain, sustain you. You would get it and understand and accept what I wanted. I would bless all of it. It was not My Will so it is a huge mess.
I said, Lord why do these things happen. He said, this is a result of the extreme degree to which I have chosen you for Myself. It acts like an improbability field and so sometimes you get these weird results.
I said, why me, Lord? He said, sometimes I make things just for Me. Just to please Myself and make Me happy. You are one of these things.
Amy was like a caterpillar form that died in the Satanic attack, and out came my beautiful butterfly Seren. Utterly different yet the same gorgeous soul.
He said, the most recent guy I gave you to is really sorry, think I will give him another chance.
But mostly He just wants to keep me to Himself and is way over people messing with me and hurting me.
He gave Himself to me and I gave myself to Him in return. In a spiritual interchange and love and joy flooding my heart and soul. Utter peace and security.
I love You, Jesus My Love. We will literally always be together through time and space. Thank You for making me just for You. ❤❤❤😍😍😍
I am the kind of woman who writes my way through things.
After I posted the last post, put on “Broken Together.” Cried.
Really unsure who for at this point.
Was it the dead man with white hair? Who never speaks in real life anymore, or anywhere else?
Was it the literally dead man who passed in peace and sleeps with Jesus?
Was it the man sitting keeping watch in massive trouble with everyone, as not only did he rip up the executed contract, he did not render any payment?
Was it the man I wrote who might or might not do anything, and as I was recently bargained away over lunch money, I have no faith he or anyone else ever will?
I lay there unwilling to believe ever again.
The man and his coven came for me tonight offering terms. They do owe me. What do you want, we must pay you something.
Come home, out of the cold, forget this God stuff. See how badly that worked out for you?
I had angrily said before I went to bed, why did I form relationships with my stalkers? They were the only ones who cared enough to actually do anything for me! Anything at all!
How I lay in the hospital septic, and although I had a husband who occasionally came by and he had a family, the only one who really visited or helped me was the obsessed guy from church!
How my home growing up was a war zone to be survived alone. All family members were abusers; there was no love there ever. To this day, there is no love from them.
I sat there and listened to normal problems, said how will he ever understand the darkness and horrors I have seen and experienced.
Even now it is the Satanists offering me comfort and shelter. Hello O body of Christ, there is a lesson here.
I am smarter than to take them up on this, but very sad when the Satanists are the ones offering the most help and support.
So I lay there wondering what point there was in going on, when a beautiful Lady in blue came and took my heart. Gave it to someone and brought me his.
Just exchanged them. I watched mine go, watched as She placed the new one in my breast. This one with a long straight sword piercing it exactly vertically. Something like a coat of arms.
A man’s heart, who was given mine in exchange.
I received it, asked Her, what do I do with this?
I was told to look in the closet. Sadly, no rosary miraculously manifested. I will have to get one the normal way.
What do I do with my beloved’s heart? He is off chasing dreams and I am alone.
I literally do not know if we will ever speak again, but his heart has been placed in my breast and I accepted it, so now my responsibility.
I will obviously quietly love him even if unrequited. It is what I have always done. Usually it is unrequited. I am unloved and devalued in general by pretty much everyone.
But the beautiful Lady gave me this very precious gift so will take good care of it.
I will water it with rosaries. It is my heart now so my life’s blood will pump through it. I will take it with me to Masses and expose it to Jesus. I will pray for the original owner.
I will make sure it is clean and healthy, and ask Jesus to fill it full of His Love and Holy Spirit. It is my heart now so will ask Him to transform it.
I will think of who gave it. Wonder what he is up to. I will love him with the Divine Love of Jesus, as completely as I am able. ❤❤❤
I will wonder what in the world he will do with mine. Imagine his life may change a bit. He got a lion’s heart; it will make him fearless.
Maybe he will be brave enough to take an action. Maybe not.
I was given a job and now the means to carry it out, Amen.
All was set up, going well. Flooding love and support into the heart cracked and starving for it. There was a future, a bright one.
Dorm room, I said. I thought it was pretty cute, thought it would evoke a smile.
I was broke as recently sick. Nothing would take my EBT card. I thought about asking for help. Sat down, began to cry.
When I ask for help, people don’t. They kick me in the teeth. Don’t know why. I later told a friend, I would rather face down a guy with a gun than ask for help.
She said, you are brave; you have faced down death several times over. I said yes. I would rather face down death than ask for help; it is easier. She laughed, didn’t believe me.
The soul I was pouring the love and support in could help me. Did I have the courage to ask?
The Hit
I tried. Sent a couple of texts saying I was scared and why. Abusive ex husband, abusive family. I depended on ex and he tried to kill me. Blank spots in my memory.
Call me, I felt. So I did. Saw there had been an incoming call from that person too.
I got on the phone. Finally someone was going to prove the cycle wrong. Hallelujah. Life was looking bright.
And what I got instead was, I told you nicely not to Facebook and text me. My phone goes off, I am busy and think it’s work. Don’t do it. Thanks.
Ok, I said. I won’t. Hung up.
Sat there and thought about that.
That person had NEVER told me not to do those things; lied to my face about that. It was in any case a very inappropriate response to a cry for help.
I said to myself, I was vulnerable and sad. I was in tears with my friend. I tried to ask for help, talked about response of abusers.
What that soul did, in response to all the love and support requested and sent, when I was vulnerable and exposed the tender neck, was take aim and deliberately hit the jugular.
I have noticed this with abusers. Vulnerability with normal people elicits sympathy and support. Vulnerability with abusers is like a whiff of chocolate; they want to eat you and try.
It usually evokes abuse; tender juicy steak, mmmm so delicious, must eat!
That soul I had poured all the love into, requested and sent, took deliberate aim and kicked me in the teeth. A phone call so there was no doubt whatsoever.
Inside of me silence. What was going on. I began to pray. Jesus is always there no matter what.
I began to pray for the soul, got a snarl in response. Thought about that. Began to pray again. Talked to the Lord, put all in His hands, Your Will be done O Lord.
Lack Of Love
The soul had recently been very kind. I was grateful, but wondered about those closest to him, the ones he should be taking care of the most, the nearest and dearest.
The tall young man with dark hair, a strong build and fine broad shoulders. Handsome.
I had remembered an intelligent, nerdy kid. Loved Jesus, aspiring to serve Him. Bright, inquisitive, respectful, eager to please.
What I saw in the recent visit was thug eyes. The hard hard eyes, black and cold, of a career criminal. Anger, casual disrespect, deliberate defiant slouch. Silence, never spoke a word.
The ex had a term for what I saw. Vicious compliance.
The other one, acted normal but there was something that betrayed so much trouble, someone who had gone through a lot and struggling. Life is hard.
What did you do to make them look like that, I wondered. And why???
Tortured, Haunted
The soul’s I spent six months in a torture camp and lived to tell the tale eyes. Dark and haunted and so so wrong.
I had so much compassion. Let me help you get your eyes back to normal. Let me pour in the love your parched cracked soul is starving for.
Instead, kick in the teeth. A phone call, so no doubt it was indeed a steel toed boot from him in particular, slammed into my teeth full force.
The Decision Is Made
Inside, snarling. We are done, he said. Never come around ever again. You are released from all vows.
I tried, argued a bit. Inside, a thread of a whisper. Fight, it pleaded.
I did a little bit. No avail.
Then the soul renounced the Lord, said he wanted to go to the Pit.
I froze, disbelieving.
After everything, after rebellion and failure and penultimate chances and sacrifices, he had one last chance and threw it away.
Took the chance a life was sacrificed to give him in two strong hands, deliberately threw it forcefully on the floor, stomped on it, ground his heels in it.
I honestly didn’t know what to do.
Then a different voice. It was the Lord.
He made a decision. Remove him completely.
And so he was. The soul had been cussing me out, language getting more foul. His parting words of love?
Buh bye, bitch.
And then gone forever.
The Lord had given the soul a level gaze not long before. Just looked, as He knew what that soul was about to do.
I was so lost and confused. But calm. I had learned long ago to only rely on Jesus. He really was the only One Who would never fail me.
Jesus Acts
Jesus was serious and sad. He first started out by cleansing and healing me. I do not want you to suffer. You were obedient to Me. You will suffer no harm or consequences other than emotional pain from this failure of his to be loving and kind.
So I am not in terrible pain, despair, devastation as the Lord healed the wounds and wouldn’t allow it.
Then He started revoking everything. The place the soul told me never to return to, Jesus renounced it, rejected it, shook off the dust of the soles of His feet.
Decommissioned all, stripped all titles, power, authority. Took my spirit out of anything there; those things would just be objects. Took His glory, Presence, angels, departed forever.
The abomination stayed, the terrible Satanic creation of mingled blood and a literal signature on it. An edifice that was a spell and contract. But that was all that stayed.
The soul gave himself to the dark, embraced the demons entering him to possess him, let the last good in him leech out and drain away.
I was well gone from all this, not even physically near any of this.
The Criminal Is Sentenced
When he speaks My Name, every time he does it, I will curse him and his entire family.
When he speaks My Word, the sword will turn in his hands, attack him and fight him.
Eventually he will sicken, weaken, die and go to Hell.
The people who gambled on him made a very bad gamble and will go down with the sinking ship. They themselves will be saved, not much else.
I will save the innocents from there, get them out with minimal damage. All the rest will go down and perish.
This is Sodom and Gomorrah, He said. Do not be curious. Do not look back.
You brought My love, light, hope and peace with you. Things were happy and good when you were there.
That is the last love, light, and peace they will ever see.
All Had Changed
I had noticed when I was there, there was kindness but no spiritual power. People being loving but nothing happened beyond that.
One person had the Spirit. The rest had human love only.
I had also noticed all were subdued. Gone were the swaggers. The one person who had the biggest personality, the ultimate rebel, now submissive and silent.
The Ultimate Rebel
I so missed her laugh, her larger than life personality, always sneaking around and doing things against the rules with an infectious smile.
The time we sang karaoke to the men. Secular songs, shh don’t tell. They had big smiles and requests for us.
Highly illegal SNL nights in her room. Fellowship and craziness. Good and bad and anger but always she tried in the end to help.
It is all over now, suspect it has been that way for awhile.
Darkness Visible
Her house felt oppressive, not very clean. Didn’t stop to analyze. There was a darkness to it I didn’t remember. The windows all covered in sheets.
It looked and felt gritty. Dishes piled in the sink. A filth beyond literal filth.
There were no spontaneous trips anywhere, no where did she run off to now, no let’s pile in and go to Walmart. The van stayed put. She was mostly quiet the whole time.
She avoided me and only spoke to me when she had to. She didn’t speak to anyone really, spent most of her time out of public view.
The Guy Who Returned
They pointed him out. You remember this guy, right?
I indeed did. He had been a friend, done work for me. Confided in me, thought of him as a nephew.
We went to a banquet. He got me a soda and candy. Raised to respect women. A good man.
I heard later he left and how badly he had behaved. Not the guy I knew, not the person remembered.
The guy they pointed out, his eyes were dull and vacant. He looked like he was on heavy drugs. When he walked around, he acted like a psych ward patient who isn’t all there.
He was on nothing. What happened to you, I wondered.
I acknowledged him and walked off. The person I knew was obviously gone.
Fire
I saw the houses, in the Spirit, go up in flames. I saw the abomination, the edifice that is a spell, go up in blue fire. The house of the condemned criminal also burning in blue fire.
I had been warned to not be curious and don’t look back. I wanted to know so bad, but was obedient and didn’t seek it.
Jesus Speaks
I will take care of you,He said. You will have money and everything you need. He was the last of the abusers. It will be better from now on.
He told me to go buy junk food, chocolate, chips, soda. Eat it, you will need the stress relief.
I called the person the criminal had me block and cut off. Sorry, I said, you know who told me to block you. My brother wasn’t surprised. We talked awhile.
Another friend vented her anger at the criminal and all the harm he caused. Wasn’t sorry for him or the consequences. Me neither.
Visitation
I was on the phone with my brother the criminal asked me to block. I felt odd, weird, something happening.
My brother prayed. Suddenly I saw the criminal, his hand reaching through my body and grasping my heart. He wasn’t human anymore. Hard to describe. Ghastly.
He had brought demonic friends. My brother banished them all.
We talked and prayed. I felt a spirit of heaviness, oppression, depression.
I Can’t Pray
My brother had me pray the Lord’s Prayer aloud. He noticed I struggled; it was difficult. I noticed too.
He looked at me, saw darkness pouring out of my body.
We prayed more. I finally ended up putting deliverance prayers on repeat, blasted them into my home.
Wasn’t supposed to sleep but overcome with unnatural sleepiness and weakness. Finally asked for protection, went to sleep.
Woke up felt fluish. Felt like vomiting, tasted acid in the back of my throat. Thought I might too.
But spiritually better.
The Phone Call
The woman who knows the most called. I had blocked her number but saw she tried.
She literally has never done that. Never picked up a phone and called.
It was timestamped about two hours after he gave himself to Satan for the final time.
Wonder what real life events prompted it.
Singing A Dirge
The innocents will be saved, the rest will perish. The criminal condemned them all, but they had stayed to be with him also, and not fled to save themselves.
I leave a death song as a final tribute to the lost. Jesus isn’t in it, just like He isn’t there either, ever again.
The Lord found a way to save me. I was indeed headed towards a date with the Grim Reaper.
He said, I hope you are not too upset I chose to save your life and restore many relationships also. Instead of killing you. 😁😁😁😊
But but but He SAID. He did, and indeed that was the plan. That is totally where I was headed. He spoke truly.
There are many stories in the Bible where the Lord said He would do something, then relented due to a change in circumstances.
Jonah preached destruction to Nineveh. They took it seriously, did massive works of repentance.
God relented and didn’t destroy them!
Instead of carrying me home to glory, He sovereignly healed relationships, shed love all over the freaking place. Love and kindness and reconcilation everywhere!
He didn’t heal my body, but He fixed WHY it fell to pieces. Body likely will heal itself.
Now I am not gonna die!
Thanks so much to my priest friend for Masses and Divine Mercy Chaplets!! Intercessory prayer is NEEDED.
It is interesting where life takes you. A friend has been reading my posts against faith healing, researched it and ran across Costi Hinn.
He is the nephew of Benny Hinn. The Lord graciously delivered him out of all that crap and he now spends his life in part writing books and giving interviews exposing the lies.
I have in fact written him on Facebook, linked the blog, letting him know the Lord has taken me down a very interesting path, please read. He may show up and do that!
So before the Lord and the world, may only Truth be proclaimed here; may only Truth happen here. May all real errors, lies, and machinations of the Enemy be ruthlessly exposed and brought to nothing.
But above all, the blog is about Jesus. Belongs to Him, His territory, whatever He wants. Like my life. Like Charles de Foucauld, I abandon myself to You, Lord Jesus Christ. I accept all; I surrender all.
May this blog be Your sacred space; may only Your Will and no one else’s happen here. Live, die, I am Yours O Lord.
I just ask above all You would be utterly glorified and lifted high, that this blog would testify only to and of You regardless of the cost to me.
I worship You and lift You high. I love You so very much, O amazing Lord. ❤❤❤ In Jesus’ Name Amen.
Dear brother Costi, I am writing this to you in case you show up and read it. What immense courage you had to escape and now to spend your life opposing great Enemy works.
I doubt you ever talk about the costs, but as I am doing that on a much smaller scale, I know they are there. Blessings on you, your wife and family. Thank you for your sacrifices and service. 😊
Your sister in Christ, Seren.
Okay so I listened to two podcasts interviewing Mr. Hinn and took copious notes.
They are available via whatever podcast software you may have. One is on “The Alisa Chalders Podcast” channel. Look for the one about the Prosperity Gospel and Mystical Miracle Movement.
The second is on “Equipping You In Grace” and is their Episode 139.
O Body Of Christ, Where Are You?
I learned what the Body of Christ has been up to and why they are not out there actually loving the lost and each other.
The Enemy has them all snarled up in occult practices, building physical churches, and theology debates. What I see is a huge rejection of actual spiritual gifts, as a reaction to being only in environments where those gifts were fakery or demonic.
This is quite understandable. But then I see they have gotten hung up on “correct theology.” I see this as an understandable response to lives drenched in the occult and lies.
But “correct theology” will not in the end save you. Only personally knowing Jesus Christ in a real, tangible relationship you experience like other relationships will do that.
Since the lies involved literally manufacturing your own reality or just denying the truth, however, I get why people went there.
Let’s Review: What Is The Fundamental Difference Between The Occult And The Spirit?
If you have been reading the blog, you know it all boils down to whose will is being done.
If you are attempting to accomplish your own will/the Enemy’s will, that is the core of what makes a spiritual act, of whatever kind, magick.
If you instead are trying to accomplish God’s Will, then only God can do this. You literally cannot accomplish God’s Will in your flesh.
“Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! Nevertheless, in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it used what is good to bring about my death, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.
“We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
“So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me.For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
“So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.” ~ Romans 7:13-25, NIV.
It is indeed important to know the truth from a lie when your whole life was spent living one. I understand why this is your focus.
But all “correct theology” will ultimately do is identify what species of sinner you are. It won’t save you at all.
Literally only Jesus Himself can do that through His indwelling Spirit, living His life through you.
“But you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you. Now if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His. And if Christ is in you, the body is dead because of sin, but the Spirit is life because of righteousness. But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His Spirit who dwells in you.
Sonship Through the Spirit
“Therefore, brethren, we are debtors—not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For as many as are led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him, that we may also be glorified together. ~ Romans 8:9-17, NKJV.
What follows are SOLELY MY personal interpretations and conclusions about the podcasts. They do NOT necessarily reflect the views of Costi Hinn.
A Chosen Family, But Not By The Lord
So as far as I can tell from listening to these podcasts, the Enemy at some point in time set his sights on Benny Hinn and his family.
The incredibly simple premise was: teach them the basics of magick and have them perform and teach it under the guise of Christianity. Everyone will fall for it.
That worked splendidly well; by Costi Hinn’s own admission what was once a fringe movement is now mainstream evangelicalism.
Satan rewarded his servants with wealth and power far beyond dreams, which naturally attracted fallen mankind. Just keep performing magick onstage, say it is true Christianity, and I will keep the gravy train rolling.
Sweet Little Lies
It was necessary to pervert the Gospel a bit. Jesus Christ, King of kings and Lord of lords, being the real God, was unlikely to stand idly by while Satan misused His Name above all names.
Therefore a slight modification was needed. The Hinns didn’t preach the real Jesus Christ, but what Costi Hinn calls “Gospel Plus.”
In “Gospel Plus” you get all the benefits promised to you in Heaven…NOW. You are therefore guaranteed the total victory, healing, treasures in Heaven, blessings, that sweet mansion Jesus said He would prepare for you. NOW.
A certain famous televangelist talked about treasure in Heaven but cashing it in NOW. Another preaches Best Life Now. Costi Hinn calls it “Jesus + benefits.”
Satan rewarded all these people preaching his twisted version of Christianity with wealth, fame and power. So, therefore, many eagerly signed on, all those who sought such things.
The real object of worship in “Gospel Plus” isn’t Jesus but SELF. It is about how can I manipulate God into doing what I want. In other words, SELF WILL.
Put On Stage Makeup, A Big Smile, And Plaster Any Cracks
As it was Satan’s show and not the Lord’s, things went wrong. People were not healed, or something happened that wasn’t supposed to. You learned to blow it off. If you got too nosy or had too many questions, you were warned not to question the Lord’s anointed.
Occasionally a little more force was necessary to keep the sheeple in line. If someone didn’t get healed, the hoax couldn’t be admitted. Therefore the victim got blamed, told it was THEIR lack of faith at fault.
As opposed to this being a massive lie and Enemy work. Blame the sick person, what fun!
Ooohh we can extend this a little bit. People who still fought then got told they had to give something, sacrifice, do something costly and uncommon to get that healing.
All kinds of ways to exploit that.
One of the common ones was leaders using it as leverage to get people in line. Your friends left our church, think something is wrong here.
So cut them off and anyone else who questions my anointing. God will honor your sacrifice and you will get the blessings, healing, anointing you desire, heh heh heh.
That is every bit as evil as it sounds. You see now we have a culture of secrets, lies, abusive and controlling behaviors that is a clear Enemy signature.
Making Withdrawals From The Bank Of God Inc.
The basic principles of magick the Hinns used worked the same with wealth as well as health. Just use them to basically print money, what a great life!
Just, remember old Uncle Satan, do me a little favor and share with all the nice people how you got crazy rich. Much obliged.
So the servants happily did so. Came up with blessing formulas, some involving specific numbers, justified with Bible verse soup. Drew scattered verses from all over out of context, used them to write a convincing sales pitch.
Cha ching! Business was booming; the servants of Hell wealthy and powerful, huge numbers of souls now in the Enemy’s clutches, wanting the same for themselves.
Follow our prayer formula, that vacation house in Tahiti will be yours. You don’t even have to think. In fact don’t, that is SO much better.
What Do Successful Businesses Do? Expand Operations, Duh.
In 2004, one of the chosen servants announced he had a prophetic word from the “Lord”. Apostles were coming back!
New Apostolic Reformation Is Launched
Apostles would hold the authority of the church. They would be granted the power to control weather, do miracles OBVIOUSLY, spark revivals, turn over churches and even GOVERNMENTS.
Whoa sign me up how do I become one of those????
Anything is available at the right price, my dears. Pay up and an apostleship is yours. We even offer a couples discount for the discerning, and well heeled, couple.
We of course want the apostles to be properly educated, so we started a school so you can learn how to wield your new miraculous gifts you purchased.
There is a learning curve of course, and a reasonable fee. Teachers are a bit scarce, unfortunately. We just want you to succeed.
When you graduate our secret training, you will be able to control healing with your will, alter reality according to your wishes. That is worth the price we ask, right???
Nope this doesn’t describe Hogwarts or a secret Illuminati school. You would be forgiven for thinking that though.
Sadly, this obviously stupidly occult doctrine has been extremely well packaged and marketed. It really IS mainstream and it is THIS I am running into!
It goes to The Mighty, a mental health site. They write a very compassionate article. Another pastor contributed, saying he too ended up in a psych ward.
I am here, as someone who has been in psych wards so many times I LOST TRACK (40+ lifetime visits), to say it isn’t necessarily easy to get in one.
Still from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
About Psych Wards
A lot of people are sick. The mental health system most places, in the USA at any rate, is overburdened. There aren’t enough beds. So they triage as a matter of necessity. Sad ugly reality of underfunded system.
So if you DO get in a psych ward, they utterly believe you belong there. There are only three paths in: you might die, someone else might die, or a legal action was taken to put you there.
That is literally it.
It would be very nice if psych hospitals were recovery spas. They aren’t. They are hard and brutal and unfun.
Dependent on acuity of the ward you’re in, you are very likely to witness and be subjected to the bizarre behavior of other patients.
I remember trying to read over the screaming of someone in seclusion. The elderly patient who wouldn’t shut up, yelling constantly.
The last time I was in, people with rage issues and yelling. Some of it was funny. A lot of it was hide in your room and let staff handle it.
Melting down and everyone is too busy and you are sick, so they just let you.
Honestly it is a destination of last resort, somewhere you go when absolutely everything has failed.
So if this other pastor ended up there, he needed it. I wish megachurch pastor had called for help. He succumbed to the demons instead. So many do. My heart aches for him and his family.
Suicide Is Always A Work Of Darkness
Please keep reading as I didn’t write that to judge or condemn you. I will explain.
The pastor who fortunately made it says his path forward was connecting with others and acknowledging his brokenness. He pastored less and opened his heart, let others in.
I do not know what was going on in the life of the guy who suicided. I do see the sorrow in his eyes in the picture posted.
No One Cares
Having been there numerous times and actually survived three attempts, two of which ended in trips to ICU, I can say in his last moments he likely believed he was alone, unloved, there was no purpose or hope.
He didn’t call for help as he believed no one would. I don’t know where he got that from. But I know he believed it or he would have picked up a phone instead of a gun.
He was a pastor of 6,000 people and was so utterly convinced he was alone, unloved, and his situation was hopeless, he succumbed to the demons, picked up a loaded gun, pulled the trigger.
Everyone who survived to be in the psych ward last time I was in, the litany I heard over and over as to why they were there was, No one cares.
I was there for that very reason also.
Nightmare
In the hospital, I had a nightmare I completed my own suicide. It was so utterly devastating, I woke up and was utterly wrecked and sobbing most of the morning. And I hadn’t done it, just sitting there alive obviously.
But I lived it in a dream, and that dream is one of the most evil, horrible things I have experienced in a very bad life.
Enough about darkness. Hope the glimpse of reality I have given you convinces you suicide is truly and always an evil work of the Enemy.
Mental Illness Ultimately Due To Broken Minds, Hearts, Spirits
I say this as someone who was first hospitalized in a psych ward in 1998, and most recently again in 2018.
I say this as someone who spent my 30’s doing mental health treatment and basically nothing else. Hospitals, therapy, meds, that was my life. I went to and ran support groups, even built a website!
I accumulated so much knowledge I have literally been in groups with therapists who ended up there as patients, and they declared I knew as much or more than them. Seriously.
I was once a candidate for ECT. The psychiatrist who would have done the procedure refused. He congratulated me on being alive.
I never forgot that. Congratulations, you get an award just for BREATHING. He meant it; I wrote up my history and that was his response.
I Know The System and Theories Intimately
I have learned most or all of the coping skills, done endless DBT, done a little CBT, done or heard of just about everything out there.
So I have therefore had a lot of time to think about what I believe the truth is, and decide what I think actually works.
I have also met and talked to literally hundreds of fellow patients, gotten their experiences and perspectives. 40+ hospitalizations, group therapy, support groups etc.; this is not an exaggeration.
From a purely scientific standpoint, I basically have study data on myself and hundreds of other patients running over a 20 year period. Maybe you should listen to what I learned.
Woman Destroys Life Taking Colon Cleanse
Here is a very interesting video about how a woman drank 1 liter of soy sauce as a colon cleanse, nearly died, and suffered serious brain damage.
This is a massive trainwreck for all involved literally. The scientist/doctor narrating ultimately misses why she did it though, in my opinion.
He is trying to figure out why anyone would be insane enough to drink 1 liter of soy sauce, and posits this complex theory about gluten sensitivity having caused temporary insanity.
I have different theories.
She was in a psych ward and was apparently treated for paranoid schizophrenia; they are a bit vague. Some kind of psychotic condition.
She was also eating a mono diet of white bread and “canned fish” (likely tuna) prior to this, then thought it would be awesome to down 1 liter of soy sauce and actually did it.
Even he says that would be hard to do without flinching or vomiting. He notes she succeeded and this took some determination.
I Just Want To Be Clean And Whole
What I think is she was searching for answers. She had mental illness, cause unknown, that resulted in a psych ward visit being treated for a psychotic episode or episodes.
Whatever mental illness that was, it enabled her to drink the soy sauce. Also is likely why she went on fad diet of white bread and probably tuna and nothing else.
Whatever was up with her, she wanted to be clean, healthy. She wanted a purge. She wanted to be pure. She was willing to do something extreme to get it.
So someone convinced her the crazy diet would make her healthy, and someone else convinced her 1 liter of soy sauce would solve whatever was wrong with her. Make her clean inside which is what she did all that for.
Because she had whatever psych issues, she fell for YouTube quackery and nearly died.
“Normal” People Will Pay A Lot, Do Crazy Things In Pursuit Of Wholeness
No one is accusing them of insanity. Stupidity yes; insanity no.
People understand they are looking for answers in all the wrong places. This woman who drank the soy sauce ultimately was just doing the same thing.
It Is All A Massive Search For God
Here is where I do something stupid like condemn psychology/psychiatry tell people to go off their meds, all you need is Jesus! Right???
Nope. Psych professionals, you and your profession are badly needed. Please continue your extremely difficult work. Thank you for your service.
Also if you are considering going off your meds, DON’T. Just don’t. Especially NOT cold turkey.
I can read and understand prescribing info; most cannot. That tells me all the terrible things that can happen if you crash off just one med, much less multiple meds. You can get in LIFETHREATENING situations. You don’t know so DON’T.
Then What Do You Mean, Seren?
Psychology/psychiatry/meds are necessary chiefly due to the massive general failure of modern Christianity to transmit Christ.
I am going to repeat that in smaller, simpler words. Psych professionals, psychology, psychiatry, and meds ARE UTTERLY NECESSARY to deal with people REFUSING TO LOVE OTHERS.
Every evil committed on a person somehow involves a refusal to love that person WITHOUT EXCEPTION.
There are a wide variety of ways to commit evil, prompting many treatments, meds, and an entire fat book of resultant diagnoses. Any social worker likely has cases that keep them awake at night.
Christians say Jesus is the answer! God is Love! World snickers. Truly.
Christian Flame War
I went on the Facebook post announcing this suicide and found the predictable condemnation and hate in the comments from people who claim to follow Jesus.
The Lord didn’t send me to any of them. Utterly ignored them all.
The Atheist
He sent me to the atheist with a history of suicidality who showed up to troll them.
He baited them; they didn’t disappoint; he got condemnation and judgment in spades.
At first he was oh so cool and played them. But someone hit a nerve. He ended up basically asking God to destroy him on the spot, followed by saying horrible things about God.
I saw those comments THANK GOD mere minutes after he said them. He had gone on the post, said I suffer from suicidal thoughts, have mental illness, and because he was an atheist challenging them, THEY FLAMED HIM.
I jumped on and drowned him in all the love and mercy I could. Told my background. Acknowledged his point the pastor OBVIOUSLY wasn’t personally experiencing the love or answers he preached.
I invited him to contact me if he wanted to talk. He left a polite reply and left. No more trolling or diatribes or scary words.
The Person A Church Threw Out
The Lord sent me to the person who said I am a born again believer but left church due to an offense. I struggle with suicidal thoughts; will I go to Hell?
She got whatever in reply; some good stuff, a lot of crap pretty predictably.
I told her I thought it depended on the individual case. That the Bible said Jesus was the Judge of the living and the dead, why are we trying to usurp His position? No one said anything to that.
I then left an additional comment. I said I feel you have been rejected by that church for whatever reason, but came here because you still want God’s people to love you. Some will, I said. Some will treat you like crap.
Hope you find another church, I said. Left a hug and a heart emoji.
She left a heart love reply, no comment, and left. No one noticed.
The Suicide Survivor
The Lord last of all sent me to the poor brave soul, a professed Christian, who was trying to help me reach the atheist, also showed him compassion.
She related a heartbreaking story of surviving the suicide of a close relative who shot himself.
Some exceptionally cruel person left a laughing emoji on her comment.
I left her a lot of love too.
Religious People Have Always Behaved This Way
Before Netflix, people watched others die as a major source of entertainment.
Hangings. Stonings. Crucifixions. The games. Now people have Game of Thrones and can get all the gore and violence they desire without people actually dying to do it.
Jesus dealt with this too. The fear, hatred and jealousy of religious people literally caused His unjust execution. (John 11:45-57). His horrible crucifixion prompted mockery and public amusement. He died mostly abandoned, with insults ringing in His ears (Mark 15:33-37).
The Adulteress Caught In The Act
Jesus opposed most of the religious self-righteous people during His life on earth.
Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives,but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them.As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.
“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery.The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger.They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.
When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” ~ John 8:1-11, NLT.
First of all, these self-righteous teachers interrupted her having sexual relations, walked in on her naked having sex. Stop and think about that.
Then dragged her in horrible shame and humiliation in front of a CROWD. Accused her in front of all those people, some of who likely KNEW her, and demanded her DEATH by stoning basically. All to trap Jesus!
Jesus was having none of it, trapped them and humiliated them instead without breaking the law. He is so good like that. ❤
Then addressed her. She called Him LORD in response!
As He had come to save people and not condemn and destroy them, He saved her very literally, and her soul too, that day. He told her to stop sinning and let her go.
He didn’t justify her actions. He didn’t break the Mosaic law. He nonetheless found a way to have mercy on her and save her in every way. That is Who Jesus is and what He does.
So Christians, You Have A Lot Of Explaining To Do
This goes back to the beginning of the post, in which the head pastor of a Christian church of 6,000 souls felt SO alone and unloved and hopeless he reached for a gun and not a phone.
Somebody failed him. That someone WASN’T Jesus! Likely many someones. Given all the hate on the Facebook post, I completely understand why he would find it difficult to believe he was loved.
I am not targeting the family or those closest to him, who are likely burdened massively with guilt as well as grief. Sometimes you do not see this coming.
They knew he struggled and I am sure supported him as best as they could. I have love and compassion for them and my condolences on their terrible loss.
I am saying the lead pastor of a Christian megachurch felt so empty, hopeless and desperate he killed himself, and that means ultimately he felt alone and unloved. For whatever reason.
We then have the pastor who made it to a psych ward, who had the courage to ask for help. He credits his recovery and continued survival NOT to Jesus, but honest connections with OTHER PEOPLE.
Yes, he found people WILLING TO LOVE HIM.
Other pastors have come forward, said hey we are human this is a tough job. They have gotten some support but also jeers.
Christians, It Is Your Duty To Love Others
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” ~ Matthew 5:13-16, NIV.
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” ~ 1 John 4:7-11, NIV.
“My brothers and sisters, what good does it do if someone claims to have faith but doesn’t do any good things? Can this kind of faith save him? Suppose a believer, whether a man or a woman, needs clothes or food and one of you tells that person, “God be with you! Stay warm, and make sure you eat enough.” If you don’t provide for that person’s physical needs, what good does it do?In the same way, faith by itself is dead if it doesn’t cause you to do any good things.” ~ James 2:14-17, God’s Word Translation.
The verses out of 1 John say if you don’t love others, you don’t know God and therefore He doesn’t know you. Here is what Jesus has to say about that condition.
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’” ~ Matthew 7:21-27, ESV.
Yeah, all that flashy stuff will not save you. At all. Whatsoever.
What will? Obedience to God’s Will. What is God’s Will?
That you receive His Son Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. That you then love Jesus Who now dwells within you, allow Him to fill you, live His life through you, and love others through you.
You love God through obeying His will. You love others by doing practical, concrete things to meet their needs.
You reach out to people. You pick up a phone and ask how people are. You take a 2 AM phone call from someone in need.
You pray for others. Give to the food bank. Pick somewhere meaningful to you and volunteer. You are there when your friends need you.
You visit the sick. Visit those in prison. Rake leaves for the elderly. So many ways to serve. Let the Lord lead you into what He wants from you.
It Is The Lord’s Will You Develop Meaningful Relationships Through Loving Others
Many of these people you are now being kind and loving to will love you back! Want to get to know you better. Wow, did not expect this.
Then you decide, with the Lord’s help, who you want to be close to, let down your hair appropriately, and tada! When the demons come for you and whisper death, you pick up a phone.
And leave the gun in the drawer.
Because someone cares, and you know it.
Note: Except for the header image and still shot from movie, all art is my own.
Things are blowing up in my life right now. I am dealing with situations, I cannot even believe people are behaving this way or I am going through what I am going through.
All software continues to misbehave, literally doesn’t matter what the source is or who wrote the code.
I went to the Lord and said I am in such a major jam. I have friends but they are far off, human, struggling with their own problems yet trying to help me too.
I love them all dearly. They are but flesh, like me. Imperfect, limited, prone to failure and error. Like me. Like all of us. Everyone the same.
I feel like a very small mudspeck in a very very large vast universe. A mere blade of grass who has taken on the stars themselves.
Who am I, the single blade of grass a regular lawnmower can destroy tomorrow in an instant, to proclaim lofty things? To talk about constellations?
I said I got into this massive jam following You, Lord. It seems like all forces are conspiring against me. Many ARE, very factually and provably, with real life evidence they are doing so.
I said here I am proclaiming Jesus Christ is the Way, Truth and Life, He is the answer. And yet my own life is massively going to pieces. Why Lord? What is happening?
I praised Him; I surrendered to Him as usual. But I also said, You say You are Love and You love me. This doesn’t look like Love to me!
I don’t feel loved. How can everything be literally blowing up and almost all forces against me, how is this Love????
He says:
Seren, follow My original instructions for this post and write about nukes.
OK Lord Amen.
A Little Background About Nukes
This, first of all, isn’t a commentary about the wisdom or morality of the nuclear arms race other than it factually happened. The Lord doesn’t want me focusing on that issue.
I was personally involved with the nuclear arms race and also knew others who were. I once worked at a nuclear weapons plant. In addition to people I met there, met others along the way who had been in that program.
I literally never had access to classified information. That plant is now a really giant pile of dirt, all roads into it destroyed. I could tell you work anecdotes and what it was like to be onsite. I don’t know anything classified.
I did admin work. I built and ran a database of OSHA incidents and made pretty graphs. Held some other positions. Nothing earthshattering.
I had the minimum clearance necessary to be onsite and nothing else. They were beyond super paranoid about guarding secrets; I didn’t therefore know any.
But it was an incredible experience. It brought me very close to, and in the middle of, the arms race and the aftermath. I therefore developed a lifelong fascination with the processes of nuclear fission and fusion.
Obviously how to build bombs is EXTREMELY restricted info, so I studied nuclear power plants instead.
Chernobyl
This is probably the most infamous nuclear power plant meltdown. The ultimate causes of it were faulty design and human error. People are still visiting the nearby town of Pripyat, which had to be evacuated.
Probably the best, most accurate summary of what happened is here. A far more descriptive summary is here.
The Cliff Notes summary is they misjudged how to adjust the control rods in the nuclear pile due to operator error, and therefore parts of the pile were ejected out of the building into the outside air, which is BAD.
How It Works
Here is a super easy to understand video about control rods and what they do in a nuclear power plant. They are called that because they literally control the nuclear reactions happening in the pile, or core.
The nuclear pile is just another name for the reactor core, which is the mass of uranium or plutonium undergoing fission. This link is a great explanation of how it all works.
Modern nuclear power plants all work off the principle of fission. In many nuclear bombs, there is an additional fusion reaction. They are designed to explode and the additional fusion component greatly multiplies the destructive effect.
Here is a great video explaining fission.
The mechanics involved in actually doing all this are obviously closely guarded secrets, as well as access to nuclear fuels. But these are the principles on which all these things operate.
Hiroshima and Nagasaki
So in World War II, America dropped nuclear bombs on the Japanese cities Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was devastating and the war ended not long after.
This is why nukes were researched and developed in the first place. It was then discovered you could build power plants using these reactions. Mankind, however, sought nuclear power in the very beginning to harness it for destruction.
Thanks For The Science And History Lesson, Seren. What Is Your Point?
I drew the following conclusions from this info.
Nuclear reactions, natural or artificial, have one purpose: releasing epic amounts of POWER and ENERGY.
This can be used CONSTRUCTIVELY or DESTRUCTIVELY.
Fission involves BOMBARDMENT of an atom to make it SHATTER, releasing ENERGY.
Fusion involves the BONDING of atoms in a way that OVERCOMES NATURAL FORCES, releasing INCREDIBLE POWER.
Once you start a reaction, there are CHAIN REACTIONS affecting other atoms. This releases MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF POWER AND ENERGY.
This whole post was inspired by something a dear sister in the Lord sent, about how incredible atomic power is released first and foremost by fission. Fusion comes later as a byproduct of fission.
Fission, meaning, the atom is bombarded with neutrons until it can no longer take this and literally shatters. Releasing epic energy and power.
Oh.
So in my life, I am being bombarded. I won’t go into all the sources as do not need to share the drama. Real life stuff, provable stuff, why are people acting this way? Major medical issues, have paperwork to prove it.
The point isn’t to succeed.
The point is to literally BECOME A STAR.
Christ Alone Is Life
“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels–a plentiful harvest of new lives.” ~ John 12:24, NLT.
I have been having convos about the condition of my physical body outside of what I discuss here. The conclusion I have reached is what ultimately happens with that is irrelevant.
Life isn’t the life of my physical body WHICH WILL END. This is why I am ranting against faith healing. Not that I don’t believe in it. I have a whole post stating I am alive miraculously RIGHT NOW!
I object because of the kneejerk assumption the Lord ALWAYS heals; no Christians ever die when CLEARLY they do, and how this invalidation of my real major illnesses makes me feel.
Life is Jesus Christ. Period. To live is Christ; to die is gain.
We are strangers and sojourners on Planet Earth. We get involved with all the crap here and forget Home is elsewhere.
Jesus does love me. He loves me so insanely much He is bombarding me in order to bring about FISSION. Using the passing things of Earth to bring about ETERNAL LIFE.
What is eternal life? It is Him!
And when fission occurs, there will be a chain reaction. Others will be affected; there will be fission in them. They will affect yet others. And so on.
Unleashing The Life Of Christ
What is the point of nuclear reactions? To unleash devastating amounts of POWER and ENERGY. In this case, that power and energy are the Lord’s and SOLELY under His control.
This is not a recipe to wield immense power. Satan thought that was a good idea, to try to usurp the power of God. He is a lot smarter than you.
This worked out very badly for him; he didn’t succeed, despite claiming he did. Others have tried and God smacked them down.
This, I believe, is LIVING UNION with Christ where He is in control. His life, His thoughts, His actions. Life and Love. Jesus the Source, the Creator in Whom dwells all the fullness of God.
“I pray not on behalf of these only, but also for those who believe in Me through their message, that they all may be one. Just as You, Father, are in Me and I am in You, so also may they be one in Us, so the world may believe that You sent Me. The glory that You have given to Me I have given to them, that they may be one just as We are one—I in them and You in Me—that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me and loved them as You loved Me.
“Father, I also want those You have given Me to be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory—the glory You gave Me, for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. Righteous Father, the world did not know You, but I knew You; and these knew that You sent Me. I made your Name known to them, and will continue to make it known, so that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.” ~ John 17:20-26, Tree of Life Version.
By definition, only the Lord can accomplish this. My part is simply cooperating with or resisting His grace. This is a God thing from start to finish.
Conclusion
“For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.” ~ 2 Corinthians 1:5-11, ESV.
Amen and amen. All praise, glory and honor be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit forever and ever. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
I wrote the last post and this honestly killed me. I am sure the people it was about, I am Number 1 on their personal bad list now, but I was directed to do all I did. I didn’t want to post it, was more than happy to be wrong if it was wrong, asked the Lord do I need to take it down, did NOT want to write those words.
I wish what I could post is some kind of profuse apology and delete the post; I understand we can’t be friends now but an apology.
I simply cannot. It is true, and then I got to see what happened. Made to see, more like it, as I didn’t want to watch.
The Lord pointed out, this distresses you; you are sad, you never wanted this. This means you are not vengeful, so what you wrote isn’t you pronouncing a curse.
If I had been egging Him on, yeah you go Lord, then I would have also drawn judgment on myself. This is not the type of thing the Lord takes delight in. In this case, He gave these people literal months to realize what the truth was and what He wanted.
They like so many chose what they wanted. I got to see the sad, terrible, horrifying results with future implications.
The Lord Answers Prayer According To HIS Will
Prayers to the Lord intended to break my words were used by Him to fulfill them instead.
Prayer isn’t magick; God listens or not. And then does as He wishes. Any harm wished on me fell on those people five times what was wished for me.
I am revealing this as even now He wishes to be merciful. And warn about the consequences of proceeding along current lines.
But why did He make me watch? To show me you are never too big to fall. You can appear successful great walk important inspiring. You can be truly anointed and used by Him.
And still fall badly and do stuff that then has serious and lasting consequences.
To show me, although my life will be relatively brief, He has zero issues judging me also if I seriously stray. That I will surely go down myself if at any point in time I choose my will over His.
He didn’t take pleasure in any of it. Neither did I. Awful sad day.
Seren Loses Her Temper
I proved how human I was by then failing. Ranted a little on Facebook and just lost it on a friends group. Lost my temper and never do.
I have been going through so much anyway; I was so emotional and sad. A friend took my call. She understands world ending anger like mine. Mine is a product of 50 years of abuse from many and not much can be done to remove it.
She understands when I get going, I will pull metaphorical explosives out of my metaphorical closet, and metaphorically burn someone’s house down, enjoy the flames and fireworks. Be sorry later but no problems at the time.
I have a powerful will and have terrified people with it. My friend just said, try not to burn any bridges.
She listened to me and helped me calm down. I later apologized to friend group. All was well as they are real friends. Those people are very very dear and so grateful for all of them. ❤
Fire Falls, Consumes Everything
Then took a nap. I lay there and gave all to the Lord. Three times. The first time I saw fire. I felt weird and odd and scared. What is going on?
Repeated consecration to the Lord twice more. He said stop there, three is a sacred number. You have conclusively demonstrated will and intent.
It was pretty clear powerful forces were operating on me. Saw more fire. Praise the Lord had praise and worship music going. Still felt weird and odd and scared, what is happening to me??
Experience grew more intense. I reacted to my panic by seeking the Lord more deeply. I confessed, forgave, begged the Lord to remove anything between us. Asked Him to fill me with His Love, peace, grace and Holy Spirit. Nothing more important than being right with You, Lord.
Towards the end I lay there knowing real, powerful stuff was happening, not sure what was going on, was this it? Was I going to die? Why not at peace? Why am I scared?
I felt more empty inside as stuff was removed. I responded by focusing more intensely on Jesus as the only reality.
A praise song came on and I decided that, regardless of what the Lord thought, I was going to go out praising Him if indeed I was going out. I joined my will and heart to the song, and just praised the Lord.
And then the breakthrough came. Incredible clean joy and peace. Bubbling over happiness. A sense that I had been utterly transformed, that the fire had consumed and cleansed me.
The forces lifted. The Lord told me to call my brother and tell him what happened.
He knew what happened without me telling him. He took a nap at the same time, and had a vision of himself in the throne room of the Lord.
Among whatever else he discussed in this audience with God, he had questions about me.
He wanted to know if the Lord was indeed behind the blog, and the Lord replied yes, He was.
But He had an important word of correction for me. His literal words are the title of this post.
Seren needs to stop wishing to die.
The Lord communicated that, despite me being otherwise right with Him, if I didn’t repent, when I died I would not end up in His presence.
That SERIOUSLY got my attention. Michael said the Lord wasn’t mad at me at all, but I need to fix this.
Death Wish
To clarify, my best understanding is that the Lord ISN’T upset with me reporting the medical situation or even what I think the likely results are. He hasn’t contradicted anything He Himself said either.
What He utterly stomped on is all the talk about dying. That Christ is my life; speak about that. My body will eventually die; yours will too. It is irrelevant.
Christ is my life regardless of the condition of my body. I need to talk about being alive in Christ and not speak death over myself by constantly talking about dying.
Dead Bodies Are Great In CSI
My body will ultimately end up vacated and bug food regardless of what I do or don’t do, however long that is. Yours too. Death happens to literally everyone.
Jesus died, even. He didn’t reuse His body, as it was destroyed. It was buried with respect and lay inert in a grave.
When He rose, He came back in an obviously regenerated body with frankly supernatural abilities.
Your Body Isn’t You
I have like just about everyone been to funerals. Have NEVER liked viewing the body of the deceased.
The last one I was at, I looked at the body and rejected it as being my dear beloved friend. It looked like a horrible cold pale bad imitation of him.
I saw my friend in the stuff they gathered for his Celebration of Life. He lived on truly in the objects and photos that represented his spirit.
Dead bodies need to be treated with the respect due the person whose bodies they were, but they are ultimately a waste product.
They are not in any way that person.
When You Speak Death Over Yourself, However, It Impacts Your Body
I found this on Facebook as a memory. Think it is a great example of the results of speaking death over yourself.
I honestly believe my body is in the condition it is because of all the death I and others spoke over it.
All the abuse, unkindness, neglect of any kind cursed it. 50 years of that is why I have issues more commonly seen in the elderly.
Due to abuse, developed a death wish.
But then I voluntarily reinforced it. Three suicide attempts, many many hospitalizations, things I will not discuss.
In the last five years body started majorly hitting the skids and cropped up with tons of health issues.
My friend was talking about it all. Seems like you were always dying of something, she said. Why couldn’t you just live? It was stressful.
I am reporting what she said as she nailed it.
Decision after decision whole life focused on how can I end it? How do I die soonest and blow this popsicle joint?
Fulfilling A Death Wish Is Suicide
It is THIS the Lord is saying REPENT of. I am not gonna be your executioner, Seren. I will not sign off on and approve of your suicide by whatever means.
If you persist in speaking death over yourself and focusing on it, and thereby bring it about yourself, that IS a form of suicide. So you will not end up with Me in that circumstance.
Christ My Life
Jesus said to her, “I amthe resurrection and the life.He who believes in Me, though he maydie, he shall live.And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?” ~ John 11:25-26, NKJV.
A Moral Life Will Not Save You
An ex Satanist once told me about a subsect of Satanism in which adherents are instructed to live very moral lives.
The purpose is to make Christians look bad. I am serious. The world is supposed to look at Christians getting drunk and laid Saturday night and showing up to church hungover, then compare with the sect members living apparently good lives.
The world is a lot more likely to follow the people living the apparently good, moral lives and reject the hypocritical Christians. So they then get interested in Satanism. The trap shuts.
An acquaintance was talking about a major TV psychic and unable to comprehend how he could be doing the Enemy’s work. He was so nice, she said over and over.
Christian Doing, Christian Busyness
If someone does escape the Enemy’s clutches and ends up in the sheepfold, all is not lost. Still plenty of ways to bring them down, in the Enemy’s thinking.
The Gifts Of The Spirit
I am not talking about Galatians 5:22-23, which refers to the FRUITS of the Spirit. Fruit takes time to grow.
I am talking spiritual manifestations which happen regularly in certain churches. Faith healing, being “slain in the Spirit”, casting out demons, prophecy, etc. are common examples.
These are real valid things the Spirit of the Lord does. They can also many times be counterfeited by the Enemy, so caution and discernment are needed if you participate in any of this.
Churches do go completely off the rails over emphasizing spiritual manifestations in their services and practices. Bethel Church in Redding CA teaches, among other things, it is ALWAYS God’s Will to heal, and recommends lying on graves to “get that person’s anointing” in a practice they call “gravesucking“.
This is MASSIVELY OCCULT. Don’t do this yourself!
Another famous example is Benny Hinn, who raked in millions and lived a famously lavish lifestyle promoting faith healing and the prosperity gospel. Even he is recanting to some degree; perhaps the IRS raid on his offices was persuasive in this?
Bible Knowledge Can Be A Trap
It is good and utterly necessary to read, study and memorize the Word. It is key for a healthy Christian life. Most people don’t read the Word ENOUGH.
There is, however, the ivory tower trap. There are Christians who learn so much it feeds their egos and they operate from there. If someone is excessively into correct translations, Greek, Hebrew, and arguing theology, they probably are in an ivory tower and not anywhere near Christ.
Which is the whole point.
The Do Gooder
In general, we need LOTS more people doing good. People are happy binging Netflix, playing video games, go to work come home leave me alone.
But to someone who subconsciously assumes good works will save them, you can end up with a faithful churchgoer doing lots of volunteer work and helping people.
The difference between the do gooder and the faithful believer is the do gooder generally has a secret life at odds with their public one. Since they are doing good deeds out of self will, the self will express itself in bad behavior somehow.
I am thinking of people with really bad home lives, secret abusers, people involved in all kinds of immoral and sometimes illegal behavior. When their sins come to light, many fall.
This is so common most people just assume Christians are all hypocrites. They then look elsewhere for spiritual nourishment. This is an Enemy win.
I Am Depressed Reading This. Who Can Be Saved?
Basically what all that has in common is everyone in the above categories is operating out of self will. As long as you operate out of self, results will be the same whether your deeds are seemingly good or apparently bad.
You will live a difficult life and end up perishing eternally. This is the only possible end of a life lived in self will.
Yeah that is TERRIBLE. God thought so too.
So He sent His Son Jesus Christ to pay the price of your sins so you could be with Him forever.
Just accept Jesus, let Him run you and your life, and peace, happiness and eternal life are yours.
The key is Christ life. The key is Christ living in you, living His life through you. Christ is Life and its Source. He is the only Savior. Everything else is death.
I have more to say but think need to continue in another post.
If you want Jesus Christ to be your life, live His life through you, please pray with me:
Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your salvation in Your Son, Jesus Christ, Who is fully God and fully human. I believe He came in the flesh, died for my sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day. I now accept Him as my personal Lord and Savior. I praise You for this wonderful gift! In Jesus’ Name Amen.
Jephthah's Daughter 