I am addressing the women, and I am going to fully identify to those who care about such things.

I am a White cisgendered heterosexual XX chromosome female. I am sexually attracted only to men; I fully identify as female, and I am proud of all of it.

List Of Traumas

Again for those who care, I must now raise the flag of victimhood. A brief allegorical summary of my life is available to read.

When I walk into a new situation, a psych hospital or psych situation, and they say, so what have you been through as far as trauma, I say, if a type of abuse exists I have experienced it. Repeatedly. Men and women both.

I then give a few brief details, convince them they do not want to look further and we talk about other things.

Last year I was in a psych ward. The social worker said tell me about your family. I went on and on. She said, stop. I look up and she has this look of horror on her face. A psych hospital social worker, her daily bread and butter to hear about these things. Stop. Oh yeah sorry, I forgot my life was that rough.

This last year, I was again in a psych ward; had gone through a lot of trauma. Was asked to write a summary of my life. I shared this with a patient. He was reading, having a really hard time. I said, do you need a safeword?

The most recent psychiatrist I talked to honestly wanted to pin a medal on me for breathing. Yeah, I have been through twenty years of treatment; amazingly, psychology works. Couldn’t believe I was so sane. See me in 4-6 weeks just to say hi, no followup treatment needed.

Essentially if you have lived in a concentration camp or been a human trafficking victim, you might personally know what I have been through and you do not otherwise get to judge. For people who care about this sort of thing.

The shelter I was first in in Tucson, they said, why do you never discuss your life or past? I would laugh and change the subject.

Disability Cred!

Additionally although my psychological problems are mostly resolved, I am now very very ill from having suffered a lifetime of serious abuse, so I am disabled too!!! AND MY DISABILITY IS FROM THAT ABUSE!!!!!!

Alright Womanhood, Victim Cred, Disability Cred Massively Established.

IF ANYONE HAS A RIGHT TO BITCH IT IS PHOENIX VICTOR.

IF ANYONE HAS A RIGHT TO COAST ON I AM A VICTIM WORLD HAS SCREWED ME OVER EVERY WAY IT IS ME.

I CHECK SO MANY BOXES I WIN BINGO!!!!!!!!

Congratulations, thank you I am Miss Trauma, World Pageant version. I am crying with tears of joy. My bouquet of red roses has thorns which prick me, and the hairpins from the crown are digging in my scalp which is bleeding a bit; this is the TRAUMA CROWN.

My lifetime reward is free psychological treatment for the rest of my life, all expenses paid hospitalizations, and I will spend my my Miss Trauma World tour visiting women in bad situations.

WHO ENTERED ME IN THIS PAGEANT I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!!!!!!

IT IS THE TRAUMA PAGEANT YOU HAD NO CHOICE IN ENTRY.

OH YEAH THANKS!!!!!!

Ahem.

OK so having proven I HAVE A RIGHT TO BITCH, I now wish to address “Hex The Patriarchy.”

A brief search, wow this is popular. Mugs T shirts candles pins A MOVEMENT led by the witches. A nice computer sticker for the modern witch. Socks an embroidery hoop this is really really popular!!!!

A TIME Magazine article written by a witch links the increasing popularity of witchcraft with the feminist movement. It’s about female power. I am not going to quote the article, but the witch who wrote it very clearly links witchcraft to the current feminist movement without any doubt about that.

OK Roots of Modern Feminist Movement Then

This is a remarkable close to the source unedited look at those roots. The mothers of modern feminism are very clearly ANTI MAN. Men are the enemy. The feminist founders went pretty far to distance themselves from hated MEN, refusing to associate with them, denying their fathers’ names, etc.. Interestingly used WITCH once as a name for a feminist group.

A story begins to emerge. What were they mad about? Oh oppression and stuff. And the changes were really necessary; this article was written when the Equal Rights Movement was new. Interestingly, there were the old guard suffragettes who suffered for honestly real changes needed. It doesn’t say they left their children and husbands to do it.

The modern movement, the 1970’s girls, OTOH, were doing their best to try to live without HATED MEN.

Pray tell why were/are men hated????

This article author is rather honest for all this article is painful to read. It explains feminist rage the best I have seen it expressed. To sum up, she says, as men are responsible for sexual violence, terrorism, gun violence, work inequalities, too many women in caretaker positions, not enough women in college, not enough women own various types of property, I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO HATE YOU. STOP EXISTING!!!! AT LEAST I AM HONEST ABOUT THIS!!!!

Whoa.

Hmm colleges lack women??? Photographic evidence says otherwise!!!

Hmm not seeing any issues here.

Oh well they’re CHEERLEADERS!! Who were ALL SMART ENOUGH TO ENROLL IN COLLEGE. You been in college? Don’t diss them for being beautiful as well as brainy then.

I am not going to boringly discuss lots of statistics which can be twisted to say what you want. It is obviously a matter of perspective and I will let it go there. It is HOW you choose to see this stuff that is the difference between happy life and MISERY.

Here is one feminist who has decided to blame MEN for the standard AC temperature in her office.

You can choose to live like this but I doubt you’ll be happy!!

Hating Men Is Therefore A Choice. I Love Men Despite What Men Have Done To Me.

I am personally grateful for the results of the old suffragettes but I need to talk about hexing and witches now.

“Hex The Patriarchy” And Feminism Are Connected

We have seen how these are linked historically and factually, and how representatives of these movements have admitted this (it is not a coincidence the early 70’s ladies used the word WITCH!!!).

To briefly define, what is the patriarchy? I tried and couldn’t find a brief definition! This is the best definition I found.

It is a belief system where men have all the power and women are victims of men, TO SUM UP.

Having decided MEN ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL, it is natural to then fight THE SOURCE OF ALL EVIL, and witches are stepping up to the plate!!!

What Is A Hex?

A hex is an evil spell. It’s a curse. It is explicitly designed to bring evil, trouble, and harm to whoever is hexed. They’re real and they do indeed work.

As witches have decided men are the enemy, they have decided to attack with magick!! AND THESE ARE REAL ATTACKS WITH REAL CONSEQUENCES TO THE MEN!!!!!

How Did We Get Here?

The men are honestly right to consider this a massive declaration of war by the women. Hexing is serious business; ask African communities. It is wholly evil by ALL definitions. There is a lot of dissembling among Wiccans about “white” magick “grey” magick etc., but a HEX is an unadulterated, clear, deliberate attack like stabbing someone with a knife!!!!

It is completely beyond me to do anything except point out THIS IS AN EVIL MOVEMENT. To use my blog to SOUND A COUNTER ALARM.

What Does The Word Say About Witchcraft?

There are many many verses CONDEMNING WITCHCRAFT; here are a few.

Old Testament

“Do not practice divination or seek omens.” Leviticus 19:26 NIV.

“Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God.” Leviticus 19:31 NIV.

“I will set my face against anyone who turns to mediums and spiritists to prostitute themselves by following them, and I will cut them off from their people.” Leviticus 20:6 NIV.

“A man or woman who is a medium or spiritist among you must be put to death. You are to stone them; their blood will be on their own heads.” Leviticus 20:27 NIV.

New Testament

“They traveled through the whole island until they came to Paphos. There they met a Jewish sorcerer and false prophet named Bar-Jesus, who was an attendant of the proconsul, Sergius Paulus. The proconsul, an intelligent man, sent for Barnabas and Saul because he wanted to hear the word of God. But Elymas the sorcerer…opposed them and tried to turn the proconsul from the faith. Then Saul, who was also called Paul, filled with the Holy Spirit, looked straight at Elymas and said, “You are a child of the devil and an enemy of everything that is right! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery. Will you never stop perverting the right ways of the Lord? Now the hand of the Lord is against you. You are going to be blind for a time, not even able to see the light of the sun.”

“Immediately mist and darkness came over him, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand. When the proconsul saw what had happened, he believed…” Acts 13:6-11 NIV.

My Personal Statement

I have been utterly severely irredeemably grievously wronged by MANY MEN. Severely beyond anyone’s ability to even HEAR what all that has been done to me.

I LOVE MEN. I CHOOSE TO LOVE MEN. IT IS A CHOICE AND HOW I CHOOSE TO SEE THE WORLD DESPITE THE HARM DONE TO ME.

If I chose to hate men instead, nothing gives me the right to randomly attack them. That is a criminal act, PUNISHABLE BY LAW!!! Feelings of hatred towards men will not fly with judges as justification for criminal behavior!!!

IN ANY CASE, I STAND WITH THE MEN HERE.

WHAT THE WOMEN ARE DOING IS EVIL.

 

Almost everyone has played video games at some point in time.

In many, there are bonus extra lives or special game secrets at the end if you finish the quest. I remember playing one, Chrono Trigger, that had SEVERAL secret endings. Here is one where the programmers break the third wall.

Another one many know is Secret Star World Super Mario World!!!!

The whole point was the sweet satisfaction you discovered finding the secret level, or the Easter egg, or whatever the game was hiding. Generally you had to beat the game or do something special to get these great rewards.

Well Recently I Beat The Game

Without going into why, although people who know me KNOW of my massive serious health issues (and I even did a video about them, and they are ALL still there!!!):

I see someone hit the “thumbs down” glad they weren’t happy I thought I was going to die!!!

I really really should be dead by now, and I felt very sure this was going to happen and told people so.

I then ended up in the hospital and things looked very very very bad in all ways.

I beat the game and was expecting to go to my reward.

What Happened Is People Lodged A Protest

There are a lot of people on my Facebook. I am well known on Twitter also. I write for LinkedIn. People therefore have noticed Phoenix Victor exists.

They had strong opinions about a world without me in it and HIT THEIR KNEES.

I know this happened as people told me. Online. I came home and one of my friends was, our whole church prayed for you!

I have a church and they prayed for me too!!!

Does God Do This????

He does. He did it for Hezekiah. No less than the Prophet Isaiah told him, the Lord says, prepare to die. Hezekiah said, remember all I have done for You Lord, and wept.

Isaiah did not even get out of the palace before the Lord came to him and said, go tell that guy I changed My mind; he is gonna live instead!!! (2 Kings 20:1-7).

Which called these legendary heroes from the 80’s, or so the story has been told.

They shot down the plane that DEATH had sent to carry me to the GREAT BEYOND. The footage is unavailable so I found this clip from The Hunger Games to memorialize this mighty deed.

Rumor has it Death was then so depressed at his latest failed attempt to kill PHOENIX VICTOR he sought treatment. Footage also unavailable due to health privacy laws, so I chose this following movie clip.

https://youtu.be/putWjYlVMkA

So Thanks For The Bonus Secret Ending Everyone!!!

Am I in Secret Star World? Cow Level???

I have to live it and find out!!!!

Couldn’t be here without you all. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. ❤ ❤ ❤

It is my understanding many are waiting for this answer. Please write this post!!!

OK, and I will make it clear, quick and no rambling.

You Have Been Placed In Christ, Christian.

When you are placed in a container of any kind, what happens to the container, HAPPENS TO YOU!!!!

https://youtu.be/lM3SRG7D21Y

Ouch! IF there were human beings in those containers: broken bones and MUCH WORSE!!!!

How do you get into Christ? You have to be baptized into Him. There is some debate as to the exact meaning and significance of physical water baptism, and are you saved if you aren’t baptized etc.. Baptism is pretty important, obviously, and I am not going to wade into the debate, just quote the Scripture:

“Or don’t you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life. For if we have been united with him in a death like his, we will certainly also be united with him in a resurrection like his. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin — because anyone who has died has been set free from sin.”

“Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.” ~ Romans 6:5-10 NIV.

IF you have been baptized into Christ, the following applies: 

The Bible Says You Have Been Placed In Christ. What Happened To Him Has Therefore Happened To You!

1. He was crucified, died and was buried. (Mark 15).
2. He was raised again from the dead in a new body (John ch. 20 and ch. 21).
3. He ascended into Heaven after 40 days on earth, where He appeared to the apostles and 500 other people. (Acts 1:1-11, 1 Cor. 15:6).
4. He has been seated at the Father’s right hand in heavenly realms (Eph. 1:20).

Therefore Believe This Was Done!

“In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.” ~ Romans 6:11 NIV.

This is LITERALLY where everyone gets it wrong. I once did too. Everyone thinks wow I have to deny self/crucify self/reckon reckon reckon and STARTS DOING IT THEMSELVES.

WRONG!!!! OUT OF THE POOL!!!!

You get into doing good deeds yourself, out of your own strength. Even if those seemingly good deeds are prayer, Bible study, good works, YOU ARE DOING THEM.

This ends up in pastor suicides amongst other negative possible effects. If you are inclined to ding pastors or anyone else for struggles with depression, I would like to quote another famous struggler with depression.

“My wounds fester and are loathesome because of my sinful folly. I am bowed down and brought very low; all day long I go about mourning. My back is filled with searing pain; there is no health in my body. I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart.” ~ Psalm 38:5-8 NIV, A Psalm Of David.

Elsewhere, it says of King David (THAT King David, man after God’s own heart [1 Sam. 13:14, Acts 13:22] ; you may have heard of him; Jesus is his descendant [Matthew 1:1] and sits on his throne!!!):

“When King David was very old, he could not keep warm even when they put covers on him. So his attendants said to him, ‘Let us look for a young virgin to serve the king and take care of him. She can lie beside him so that our lord the king may keep warm.'”

“Then they searched throughout Israel for a beautiful young woman…The woman was very beautiful; she took care of the king and waited on him, but the king had no sexual relations with her.” ~ 1 Kings 1:1-3 NIV.

When you are an old king and need to keep warm, and they bring you a beautiful young girl, and you have so checked out on your own life you do not BOTHER TO SLEEP WITH HER, YOU CANNOT BE BOTHERED, that is some pretty epic DEPRESSION.

This is a journey for everyone; everyone is on a different path; BE KIND AND LOVING TO YOUR FELLOW TRAVELERS (Romans 14:10-23, 15:1-7).

Believe You Are In The Container! That’s It!!

The Lord did all the work; you just have to believe you’re in there. That is all He is asking!!!

He did this as He knows you cannot save yourself. None of us can. Ever.

Jeremiah was very frustrated with all the wicked people he was dealing with in his VERY HARD life as a prophet. He takes it up with the Lord (Jeremiah 12:1-4), basically saying why do You prosper the wicked, Lord; get ’em instead!! They deserve a smackdown!!

The Lord says to him:

“If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets by the Jordan?” ~ Jeremiah 12:5 NIV.

He is basically saying, you are exhausted and cannot deal with this, so how are you going to be able to deal with anything HARDER?

He cannot of course and this is the Lord’s point.

“Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” ~ Isaiah 40:30-31 NIV.

The LORD has to do it. Flesh is no avail; He says this over and over and over in the Word!!! I found this awesome article that makes all these points; please read!!

Explicitly, in the above verses, the Lord is saying even the healthy young men, pictures of health and vitality, will eventually get tired and wear out. Be powered by Me and I will give you ALL THE STRENGTH YOU NEED. A supernatural strength.

Did you wanna fly? THIS IS HOW!!!!!! You will NEVER take the skies unless Jesus makes you mount up on wings like an eagle!! But He says that is a possibility!!!!

The Twelve Steps Of AA

AA is based off Christianity; I talk about this here. Usually by the time you get to an AA meeting; you have seen some stuff. Basically your life has fallen apart to the point you’re willing to show up to a meeting, or some court made you and that’s NEVER good, and this leads you to do Step One:

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.”

This leads to Step Two:

“Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Followed quickly by Step Three:

“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

In other words, I GIVE UP. GOD YOU CAN RUN MY LIFE; I AM DONE DOING THAT!!!!!!

This has worked so well AA and variants of it are well-established in 2019, 84 years after that fateful meeting between Bill W. and Dr. Bob!!!

EIGHTY FOUR YEARS!!!! And many offshoots and rehabs etc.!!!!

Maybe they’re onto something!!!!!

The Lord Has A Path For Everyone Although There Is Only One Way, Jesus Christ Of Nazareth.

Find the HOLY PATH. Find the RIGHT SWORD.

All the other paths lead to darkness in the end, even if they look good. There is ONE PATH and the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth the only Way. The only Truth. The only Life.

All other paths and ways lead to DEATH LITERALLY.

Like Moana, you must KNOW THE WAY. The Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth IS THE WAY. KNOW THE WAY. That’s the answer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a request post. The Lord has made a particular teaching clear to me; please share it. And I will.

But as this is my blog, I will share it in the perspective of the ongoing drama of my life and the lives of my loved ones. Without sharing any details. The drama of sin and shame and struggle, and trying to overcome and falling back to ground again and again and again.

I want to fly. I want to fly. I lie on my back, maybe on the crackling leaves of autumn most places in the USA, where I live.

Back in Colorado, where I am from, it is getting delightfully colder. Everyone there tired of the summer heat. Everyone wants hoodie weather, cold snaps, and leaves leaves leaves. Pumpkins turning to jack-o-lanterns later in October.

The Melancholy Of Fall

I always looked back, and forward too, during fall. It was beautiful and deadly and so very very hard year after year. Felt like I was in a beautiful gorgeous endless prison I would never escape. Would die there obviously.

Then I did escape, and that’s another story.

I see the sky. I want to go up there. I can’t. I jump up and I cannot make it. Sky stays up and I stay down. I dream of flight and cannot take flight.

Fortunately, Jesus Is In The Business Of Dealing With Messes

The problem is we all try to deal with them ourselves.

Ah life, it is a one way trip. It unrolls on a track, and the stuff we did behind us follows us to where we are now, and has effects that outlive us, and consequences we can’t see, and stuff we never ever thought of when we did what we thought was a great idea at the time.

Some things are actually undoable. You create such a mess you can’t ever clean it up. The government has to occasionally deal with messes like this in the environment. They’re called SuperFund sites. Without going into a lot of research about that, I can personally report once upon a time I worked at a nuclear weapons plant in the cleanup phase. It had basically become a SuperFund site itself. The ultimate disposition of the facility is they destroyed all buildings, roads, and created a VERY LARGE PILE OF DIRT about the size of a four story building roughly.

They continue water and soil testing and you do not visit unless you are authorized to go. It was always that way, but that is not a safe site many many decades and years later.

When I worked there, I used to drive across the site on my way home and see deer bounding across the facility. I wondered how they did in that environment. How are the deer doing?

The point is that site got destroyed; you cannot visit it; the land cannot be used; the land near it cannot be used; and it is in this state DECADES later. What was done to the land is UNDOABLE.

I want to fly. I want to fly. I can’t reach the sky.

I dream of flying. I dream of flying. I wake up in this body of pain; this life of darkness and sickness and fear, in this situation I cannot change and I guess I will die this way some day.

This actually is what drives social media consumption; videos; TV, movies, entertainment and above all video games!!!!

Video Game Addiction

This is real and I was married to a video game addict. It is a large part of what destroyed our life. In the end it affected his work so badly he wasn’t working full work weeks. He skipped a day of work every week because he was staying up so late playing every night.

I was steeped in gamer culture because of this. It is a full on fantasy life. Many do the minimum to interact with reality and keep the bills paid. For many, it is we need to keep roofs over our heads, pay for internet, electricity, or find someone who will do that. Above all we must pay for our games and gaming systems, and this requires we earn moolah or sponge off someone who will pay those bills.

Video game addicts live for coming back home and spending many many hours in front of those games, where they live the fantasy lives they wish they were living in the real world. Is the bottom line of it all.

There are many other addictions. Fantasy is involved in many of them. Escapism. Numb the pain of whatever it is I can’t face.

I Found The Biblical Term For This. It’s Called Sin.

“And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do — this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.” ~ Romans 7:16-20 NIV.

An amazing study collected stories of the addicted and reported their accounts. One from this study stands out for me:

We forget…we forget even a month ago how bad alcohol had affected us, how we get sick, how we become homeless, how we lose all the money…we forget all that stuff because there are promises that if we stay sober…we gain all of these things back but the obsession is so powerful from day to day that we live with it that all the hard times go out of our mind and we think we can drink like a normal person when in fact we can’t…We take one drink and that’s all we want is more. It’s a terrible disease, it really is.

Wow many similarities huh?

WHAT DO WE DO?????

Paul, Mr. Billy Graham of the Apostles, had this to say about it:

“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?” ~ Romans 7:24 NIV.

Fortunately he follows it immediately with the answer:

“THANKS BE TO GOD, WHO DELIVERS ME THROUGH JESUS CHRIST OUR LORD!” ~ Romans 7:25 NIV.

Yay!!! I Think. I Have A Few Things To Say To You About That, Phoenix!!!

You see, DEAR Phoenix, I have been faithfully going to church and reading my Bible and studies and praying until I drop and JESUS JESUS JESUS, and guess what??? Crap is still wrong!!!! I am still me!!!! I still have problems at work and I think this overcoming life is  A FRAUD PHOENIX, and maybe YOU ARE A FRAUD AND JESUS IS A LIAR!!! Promises promises and I am not seeing this in my own life Phoenix!!!!!!

I am trying and praying and it isn’t happening and maybe I should go back to my old life. Whatever that was that wasn’t working either. Maybe you’re not so great! Or your Jesus!!!

Phoenix laughs at you and with you, dear readers. I write these words as I am sure I myself have said them and thought them MANY MANY TIMES!!!!!!

Taken Jesus to task HAD WORDS what were You thinking??? I have personally screamed at HIM, LIAR!!!!!!!!!!

This did not make Him a liar or unfaithful, but it WAS how I felt at the time I screamed it at Him!! More than once!!!!! The things I have said to the Lord and He never thunderbolted me for any of them!!!!!

Jesus Had Words With His Own Father, Actually

He wasn’t all Gandhi and Zen suffering on the cross with people mocking and jeering at Him in unimaginable pain. Suffocating to death slowly in UNBELIEVABLE pain, when His Father withdrew, the Bible records He SCREAMED INTO THE DARKNESS (Mark 15:34):

MY GOD! MY GOD! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME????????????

That was NOT Namaste!!!!! No no no!!! Or Zen!!!!!

Actually previously, He was kinda CRANKY knowing He was facing death. He cursed a fig tree (Mark 11:12-14), created a ruckus at the Temple, drove out the vendors and overturned their tables (Mark 11:15-17), massively THREW SHADE at His enemies (Mark 12:1-12). When He came close to death, He actually asked to NOT go through with the whole thing! (Mark 35:35-36). He suffered so much His sweat became like drops of blood! (Luke 22:44).

But we do. God IS one of us. Jesus is this person the video speaks of.

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are — yet he did not sin.” ~ Hebrews 4:15 NIV.

I am not going to be able to finish this in one shot, so Part II coming very soon.

So here I am, over 100 blog posts later.

I started this blog around the beginning of the year, bad medical news. Why me? Why has everything in my life always gone so TERRIBLY SPECTACULARLY WRONG???

Well I lived. And life has been so EPIC there are many things I cannot talk about!

It continued to go SPECTACULARLY WRONG. MUCH INJUSTICE. I continued to be if there is less than ZERO probability this will happen; it will SURELY happen to Phoenix!!!

In my current living situation, the person following my case was wow, intense story. She didn’t know what to think.

Then I coughed up the evidence. Her eyes got big as saucers. THIS ALL HAPPENED!!!!

I recently saw a new psychiatrist. His recommendations: I am prescribing no followup treatment, refilling a med, and pinned a VIRTUAL MEDAL on me for surviving my life!!!!

See me in 4-6 weeks even if it is just to say hello!

Three psych hospitalizations and the latest psychiatrist: you are as sane as we are. How do you get a better psych eval than THAT???

I once joked to friends: I am revealing the real secret purpose of my life, here goes.

I AM A HOLLYWOOD PLOT DEVICE!!!!!!!

There was much laughter. And yeah, I could do THAT TOO.

Have spilled a lot of ink; cried a lot of tears and MASSIVE EPICNESS!!!!

But I still don’t know why. I started the blog looking for that answer. Why me? Why I am so incredibly super special???

I JUST AM!!!!!

So continuing the journey down THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD!!!!!

 

 

 

 

I am piggybacking on an EXCELLENT sermon I heard at church this morning. So excited for the pastor. He has heard the glory train sounding its horn. I told him, I know from your sermon that train will pass by you soon. I will pray and intercede that, when it passes by you and Jesus holds out His hand, “Climb aboard!” you grab it and go and let nothing stop you!!!

He said AMEN please do that!!!

That train always leads eventually to Heaven. Some fast some slow but always to Heaven in the end.

The church has been going through the Book of Acts. The pastors have been puzzling over, so WHY are these people SUPER THRILLED about being imprisoned and BEATEN BLOODY for the gospel?? Joy and rejoicing even???

Here to shed a little insight on that.

God Is Love So Church Should Be The Love Boat!

But first, he used the excellent example, which he in turn got from somewhere else, an old video, of churches as CRUISE SHIPS.

Wouldn’t it be nice if Julie was your cruise director and life was like that?

It’s not, for anyone.

 

The pastor used this quote, and I found a more complete version. “Go to the grave with the song still in them.” CHILLING. And sadly so true!!!

But back to cruise ships. He said, again from his source and getting this from him, that people tend to show up and evaluate the environment like a cruise ship.

And that’s reality. In America at least. Probably many other places too.

This is a reality at ODDS with people in Acts rejoicing in persecution, imprisonment and BLOODY BEATINGS.

“…They called the apostles in and had them flogged. Then they ordered them not to speak in the name of Jesus, and let them go. The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name. Day after day, in the temple courts and from house to house, they never stopped teaching and proclaiming the good news that Jesus is the Messiah.” ~ Acts 5:40-42 NIV.

The Dark Reality

We live instead in a reality of pastor suicides. There was another one recently, sadly.

If you feel the need to rag on people who die by suicide or re-victimize their families and loved ones, please remove yourself from my page right now. I am serious. Just go look at some other page; it’s a free world.

Nonetheless this sad horrible reality should not be. I am fond of saying, happy people don’t do drugs. They do not commit suicide also. This guy’s life was NOT WORKING in a really huge fashion to end up dead of suicide. The article said he had mental health struggles like many. God rest his soul and bless his widow and family, sincerely and from a full heart.

He was preaching Jesus and living Henry David Thoreau. And there are many many many like him. Maybe even YOU, dear reader.

How Do We Get From Here To There?

That is what the pastors of my church are sincerely struggling with. How do we get from cruise ship church, money, trappings of life, success, to First Testament Church they beat us up for JESUS CHRIST YAYAYAYAYAY!!!!!!!

Because they have seen the first does not work and the fruits of this can lead to LITERAL DEATH!!!!

WHAT DID THE APOSTLES AND EARLY CHURCH KNOW??? WHAT WAS THE LIFE THEY WERE WILLING TO SUFFER AND DIE FOR????

You Have To Let Jesus Live His Life Through You

That is the answer literally.

Everyone has their own path, laid out by the Lord. No two paths alike. The narrow path by the narrow gate. Overgrown, rocky, weeds, secret, off the highways and byways of life.

You have to surrender to Jesus, let Him do a work in you, let Him remove your SELF which will get in your way, and this is a PROCESS for everyone. A process for which there are NO SHORTCUTS!!

If YOU are doing it, that is always wrong. If YOU are in charge of your life, you have missed the point, even if YOU are doing good Christian things.

Romans ch. 6, 7 and 8 have all the deets on this.

“For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.” ~ Romans 8:13 NIV.

Pastor suicides are a very very sad real life confirmation of this Word. They were doing a lot of good things but THEY were doing them. They lived their own lives for Jesus and they ended up DEAD in a literal fashion, and not in the sense Jesus wants us to die to ourselves. 😦

When Jesus lives His Life through you instead of YOU living your life, well that’s when it gets crazy. 😀 😀 😀

The Cruise Ship Becomes A Battleship

You see, the early church was full of JOY POWER THE HOLY SPIRIT OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH. When they encountered opposition, their attitude therefore was IT’S ON!!!!!

You want to know this LIFE?

Only available through THE LORD JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH!! It is HIS LIFE AND SPIRIT LITERALLY!!

Want it?

Just ask!

“Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost.” ~ Isaiah 55:1 ~ NIV.

Pray this with me now:

Heavenly Father, thank You for the gift of Your Son, The Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I believe He came in the flesh, died for my sins, and rose again in a new real body to save me. I now accept Him as my personal Lord and Savior. Thank You for Your Love, Father. In Jesus’ Holy and Precious Name, Amen!!

Then let Him work!!!!

Welcome to the great adventure!!!!!!

 

What do you do when it is all dissolving?

The moments when your flesh crumbles; I am just flesh and blood Lord.

I got out of the hospital; I am not even thinking about all that. I can’t. Gotta survive. Will see the docs when I can. I can’t think about it Lord.

Roaming looking for a place to live, my rent money spent and relying on the people handling the matter. Jesus found me somewhere safe at the moment, but I need much much better.

Feeling like a MASSIVE FAILURE; I can’t keep a house, even though I lost this one doing my literal duty, and obeying the law!!!

Who goes to Davis Island, well since I am here maybe I should get this peeing blood thing looked at; you end up admitted to the hospital, and next day you are homeless again????

I lost this home in pursuit of TRUTH, JUSTICE, and THE AMERICAN WAY and am homeless for all that!!!

Setting things up so things can be better; this takes time. Kinda busy dodging bullets if not literal bullets!!

When Crap Hits The Fan You Hit The Beach

I have a policy: when stuff really goes south, I stop and take a mental health day. Time for me. So I don’t crack up, honestly.

Yesterday this Denver, Colorado landlocked girl finally made it to the beach.

Dreaming about the sea for many many years. It seemed impossible. Yesterday parked my butt on white sand. Jesus made it happen. I made it happen.

You have to make stuff happen; it doesn’t happen on its own! Lots of people do not know this.

This Morning

Well last night too. This morning….I discovered I have friends.

Went to a morning breakfast. I knew MANY PEOPLE. People who wanted to hang with me; how are you doing, hi! Sorry to hear about what happened.

Last night a gentleman, I have seen him various places, DIDN’T KNOW HIS NAME, helped me find somewhere to spend the night safely.

This morning I asked him his name. He said, aww you know my name.

NO I DIDN’T. I REALLY DIDN’T. What is your name new friend who I have only seen in public places and who just saved my butt last night????

I was going to shepherd someone back to the place we stayed at; another woman said, I’ve got her. Oh hey Phoenix, good to see you at this breakfast.

For All That Gasping For Air

I have a dinner date I refuse to miss. Chaos? Drama? No way am I letting those stop me. I am meeting some new friends for dinner tonight JUST AS PLANNED.

I breathe. And try not to think about nodule/rare breathing disorder which is why I can no longer live at high altitude, ever again. Heart problems partially blocked kidney HAHAHAHA I continue to breathe.

Where am I going to sleep? ADVENTURE!!!

Suck in a deep breath try not to cry. Last night I did cry; I dissolved in tears.

I am flesh and blood Lord.

Why me??? Don’t ask why. Stop asking why. You started a blog asking why LOOK WHAT HAPPENED THERE.

When Jesus Reaches Out His Hand, Grab It!!!

You may not get another opportunity. The crazy train may only stop in your station ONCE.

Because if you don’t take the train when it comes, these may be the results.

Don’t get stuck in the station. Take the train bound to glory. It may not pass your way twice.

So I was in the hospital recently, if anybody follows Facebook.

Came out with the unsurprising news that I had gone bradycardic while there (40’s and 50’s they said), yep on lung nodule has anyone biopsied that? no? and they are going to sanely destroy with ultrasound (the procedure is called lithotripsy) the 1 cm kidney stone instead of crazy surgery Tucson wanted. Kidneys not doing too well: partially blocked and swollen, they said.

Good news, the doc said, you’re not life or death.

THIS IS GOOD NEWS?????

The EKG tech ran an EKG; that doc saw the results while he was talking to me about this, looked over and said, is she blocked? Oh that looks fairly regular. NO FURTHER COMMENT.

As I wasn’t in imminent danger of dying and didn’t have a lot of symptoms other than I continue to pee blood into the toilet, they sent me home with LOTS of followup instructions. See a cardiologist, pulmonologist, urologist and get a PCP. Very quickly THANKS.

No Place To Rest My Head

I had chosen a place to live where I paid rent but didn’t sign paperwork or receive keys. Everything informal. I wanted to live with people. It came with a good recommendation from the original place I was staying so I trusted this. I did get a receipt.

I didn’t receive any consideration for being hospitalized with all this serious stuff: I received just the opposite; I got CRAPPED ON.

As a result of fighting all that, I am once again looking for a place to live and I will just stop there as investigations and such, all being handled by other people at this point since I got help IMMEDIATELY when the crap started hitting the fan!

Lightning Rod Of The Lord

Sometimes I think I am constantly on duty.

I always work for Jesus; I never get a day off hahahaha. Sundays yes; I do as little as possible Sundays. Just relax, go to church. Enjoy the life I have.

In the meantime, He constantly sends me into situations and I am a trouble finder. If there is some nasty ugly situation that needs exposed guess who finds herself in the middle of it???

Jesus had my back tonight; ran into a nice man who recommended where I could spend the night; get off the streets; you don’t want to be wandering around here this time of night. I am there now and grateful for the Lord’s intervention.

I Had Spent The Day Trying To Sort My Life

Appointments, applications, setting up financial stuff. A major day of ADULTING. I was tired and just wanted to sleep in the bed I paid for.

I got locked out instead.

Why? As I am fearless and reported all the crap I saw to people who needed to know.

I can survive this stuff and many other people can’t. There are other people than me affected by this situation, and they need someone to take the hit. People who can’t fight and advocate for themselves, who would be in serious trouble if they were the ones who got locked out instead of me.

BUT BUT BUT You Were Sick!!!

Am sick. Have been sick. I don’t understand why my body even works. Really.

By my own estimates, I should have died in 2018; NOT KIDDING.

When I got all these diagnoses beginning of this year, I started this blog to talk about life sucks it’s unfair why do I ALWAYS get the short end of the stick????

Basically Jesus took over at some point; rebuilt things. I became a literally different person along the way. There is a reason for the name change.

I am 51 and look like a hot blonde in my 30’s; OBVIOUSLY JESUS MESSED WITH MY BODY HELLO.

No one wants to believe or deal with that, so I don’t discuss it normally.

Living In The Miracle Zone Since?

I don’t remember. I have an incredible life: it literally runs on JESUS.

Once upon a time, hospital and bad news followed by LOCKOUT I would be suicidal lose my faith etc.!!!!

Now I am kinda weary smile yeah no rest for the Lord’s lightning rod. Crazy things happen on a regular basis. I have adjusted the way I look at life radically.

Surrendering to Jesus: THE REALITY

I love this song; and no one thinks about what will happen to them if they LIVE IT.

Well you might end up with a life like mine, maybe. FAIR WARNING.

Honestly I spend most of my time thanking and praising Jesus for all He does for me. I ask for what I need, receive that on a regular basis, and mostly thank Him for all He does as I have allowed Him to completely take over and run my whole life.

Tonight, I am well let’s see how the Lord gets me out of this one.

I am indifferent in many ways to what happens. Life is an unending epic meaningful adventure. I am not attached to anything except the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth and the ones I love the most. ❤ ❤ ❤

I had to get rid of my attachment to money due to some troublesome financial issues. I resolved them by letting go of any money promised me, and just decided the Lord would provide what was due me however He saw fit. He faithfully does that too.

I am living John 17.

Jesus talks about death being the only way to His Life. I watched this video and listened to it one night in Denver when I was convinced that was it: I would never wake up. Fini, so sad, wasted life at that point I thought.

I woke up the next morning and I was SO SURPRISED!!!

All Those Trials, They’re To Remove YOU

Jesus says, deny yourself, take up your cross and follow Me.

Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” ~ Luke 9:23 NIV.

What are crosses for exactly?

This wasn’t some cute metaphor where we wear pretty cross necklaces now, and what Jesus meant was give up chocolate for Lent, obviously.

THIS is what He meant:

One of the principles of proper Biblical exegesis is: who is being addressed? How would they have interpreted what was said?

Jesus was addressing His contemporaries, and THE ABOVE PICTURE is what they all would have thought. DEATH and NASTY HORRIBLE UGLY SCARY DEATH.

No. He couldn’t have meant that.

WELL WHAT DID HE THEN DO PERSONALLY?

It’s all fun and games, church potlucks and socials, UNTIL SOMEONE DIES.

I was in a Passion Play earlier this year. We made it so real children cried! People got mad about this. They didn’t want scary and gory; they wanted clean carpet and nice safe rituals. The pastor protested THAT’S HOW IT WAS in vain; they never posted the pics.

So When You Surrender To Jesus, He Hands You A Cross On Which You Are Expected To Die, Duh.

Everyone has their own, as each person is an individual. You see, when you come to Jesus, you are filled with yourself and cannot remove all that. That is what your cross is for: to remove that SELF that is keeping JESUS CHRIST FROM LIVING HIS LIFE IN YOU.

I see the results of bubble wrapping kids. It is like cutting down a butterfly that has emerged from a chrysalis before its wings dry. The kids become adults who have no survival skills or abilities, dependent helpless adults. You want to be raising your grandkids in your 70’s? Keep spoiling your kids and letting them get away with MURDER!!!

On the other hand, the ones with challenges and difficulties generally grow up to be successful as they had to learn how to deal with and survive adversity.

This is a hard path and Jesus notes that.

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” ~ Matthew 7:13-14 NIV.

If you can walk it, though: if you can actually stomach the hard path….

It is epicly worth it; trust me: I don’t regret a minute of it.

The Man I Met

So when the hospital discharged me, the man they sent to take me from my room to the curb and a shuttle to the bus stop asked me how I was.

I shared my sad news. He looked at me, and smiled with a beautiful smile on his face.

He then explained that he CURRENTLY had Stage 4 cancer and had been through a lot of chemo, and doctors had given him six months to live initially.

He had far outlasted all expectations and was there pushing ME to my destination!!!!

So he said, don’t give up. There’s always hope.

We talked more about our diagnoses and illnesses, and we both concluded we would stay alive just as long as Jesus Christ wanted us alive, as we had both long outlasted our expiration dates and were still sitting on the store shelf anyway.

He told me about his beautiful wife and children. He was wearing sunglasses and I couldn’t see his eyes, but his whole face was lit up with a smile.

That guy is already dead and knows it. Each day an unexpected gift that taught him all the things that really matter in life.

Me too.

Why aren’t you scared to die, my loved ones want to know.

As I am already dead. I am already dead and yet alive. Resurrection life. Jesus took everything over, and He does whatever He wants.

And it’s really amazing, and I completely recommend this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Murmurs in my heart, whispers of familiar voices half heard.

She is getting forgetful. Leaving stuff behind. Losing things and she never lost anything before.

Well older and TBI and….

MORTAL.

Twenty odd years. It will go too fast. She will only be in her seventies when she goes.

I left the place I was staying at today, moved to new place. Did anyone notice?

Completely strange man I guess who was there stopped me today. So you moved out and what now?

Getting used to people addressing me like they know me when I have never met them. I told him I was on my way to new home.

Calm peaceful today. Some rain. Epic pizza for dinner.

Where I left, the desert my once home.

When I left it was blooming. Green literally.

Man is like a breath; his days are like a passing shadow. – Psalm 144:4 BSB.

I feel the shadows. Less life ahead than I have left behind.

I walk, unused to anyone walking in my footsteps, filling them with flowers or dirt or grass or pebbles or whatever.

The other day went to the mall. A girl I was staying with got up, followed me to my bus, sat in front of me on the bus.

I am used to this kind of weirdness and said nothing. When we both got off at the mall, I told her to have a good time.

She didn’t reply. She has never spoken a single word to me.

I greeted her frequently never got a response.

Strange man with hat, he asked for change. I gave him a dollar. He hugged me, said, I love you.

I have talked to him a few times do not know his name even!!!

Sometimes I glimpse myself through others’ eyes I am a tower. That can’t be me, I think. How could they mean me???

I walk on.

Tonight I collapsed a bit, again in ER. Someone has to fix many problems. Maybe I will be here awhile.

Here so briefly grief already time too short.

Flash and gone.

 

So, the rest of the USA is looking at Florida and Hurricane Dorian. Kinda like this.

Reaction of most of USA:

Reaction of Florida people:

Dang. Well that might mess up Labor Day Weekend. Maybe.

Went to the library today. It was closed. MASSIVE INDIGNATION.

“It’s closed because of the hurricane!” “Well I’ll be!” “Those babies!!!!”

Friends who live elsewhere WORRIED.

What this means to friends:

Floridians:

 

My friends were worried today. Looks wet out, stay close to where you’re staying.

I had a chat with the front desk guy where I am staying.

Me: So I am from Colorado. I have survived two tornadoes coming at me in one week, and a hailstorm with hailstones roughly the size of an egg.

Front Desk Guy: *nods* You’ll be fine.

*pause*

By the way, we are doing scuba training later this week. Just in case we end up underwater.

Me:…………..

Him: KIDDING!!!!!!!

Me: I have to buy a cute swimsuit for the occasion!

Yeah, doing my part for hurricane preparedness.

People, oh don’t worry if something happens they’ll evacuate us.

Morose guy: I lost my roof in the last hurricane. Hope that doesn’t happen again.

Lady from New York City: There’s gonna be a hurricane! I should have stayed in New York City!

So Walked Around Today

Saw many scenes of MASS PANIC and MUCH DEVASTATION. I posted these pics to friends, begged them PRAY FOR THE SURVIVORS!!!!!

There was SO MUCH GOING ON I found myself at a summer festival. Couldn’t find the entrance. It wasn’t well attended as nobody else could find the entrance either.

I Was Hungry Went Back For Dinner

Meanwhile in the rest of the USA:

Floridians:

Floridians have their priorities straight. FOOTBALL.

As a Denver Broncos fan, I approve of this kind of thinking.

How’s the hurricane, I asked.

Oh it’s headed towards the Carolinas, I heard. Nothing to worry about. Maybe we’ll get some bad rain no big deal.

And that’s that.

It’s Saturday night: I am out in a social place; everyone is drinking, eating, having a good time. YOU DO NOT LET HURRICANES RUIN A GOOD SATURDAY NIGHT. OR LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!!!!!

Besides which, they’ll evacuate us if necessary! Why should we worry?

Floridians have read Ecclesiastes apparently. Or lived through too many hurricanes.

Hope that guy doesn’t lose his roof. Again!!!

So here are some better newscasters to watch in case you’re stuck to the news.

Happy Saturday Night!!!!

Don’t worry they’ll evacuate us.

I had really good prawns tonight. Thanks Jesus.

I love Florida!!!!!!!