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“And in that day thou shalt say, O Lord, I will praise thee: though thou wast angry with me, thine anger is turned away, and thou comfortedst me.

^“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.

^“Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation.

^“And in that day shall ye say, Praise the Lord, call upon his name, declare his doings among the people, make mention that his name is exalted.

^“Sing unto the Lord; for he hath done excellent things: this is known in all the earth.

^“Cry out and shout, thou inhabitant of Zion: for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of thee.” ~ Isaiah 12 KJV.

So I am going to bring up a sore subject: BIRTHDAYS.

Love ’em, hate ’em. Here are two songs that kind of sum up for me what birthdays are about.

https://youtu.be/4N3N1MlvVc4

I had good birthdays as a child and those stopped at age 18.

I had a good birthday party when I turned 30, a family party I planned myself when I turned 40 that was still fun. My 50th was an epic disaster. Everything else was massive piles of failure.

The horror and drama of my previous life is available for reading here. Moving on.

Except you can’t, quite.

About PTSD

I have something doctors diagnosed called PTSD. I have treated it with lots of prayer, therapy, and medication for those nightmares. Medication to help me sleep. Because I struggle with all that.

Maybe I understand and have compassion and sympathy for all those veterans of combat as I am one, just not in any official war. And I have PTSD and battle scars too, some very literal scars.

Triggers Are Real

The feminist movement I believe has done a massive disservice to this. Triggers are real. Some of mine are very irrational indeed. Triggers are usually irrational, actually.

I have developed my own etiquette for this, likely with therapist help I don’t recall now.

1. NEVER BLAME the source of the trigger. It may not even be a human being.

2. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for the triggered state and get yourself to safety, stat!!!

3. SELF CARE, self care, self care.

That having been said, respect and compassion from others is very nice and helpful.

Don’t rely on it. Take care of yourself, ALWAYS.

One Moment Passes Into Another And That Becomes The Unchangeable Past

So while I was writing this there was an interruption, and I lost my train of thought. Completely.

What do I write next? I prayed. Lord, You gave me this post. Give it to me again.

What I noticed is that the interruption became part of the past no one can change now.

Mine, yours, everyone’s. What to do? Dance around it like you always do, Phoenix.

It is like Life is a dance partner, and you have to respond to all the moves. Life is the man and we are all in the position of the female responding to the direction Life leads us in.

Maybe Life is really named Jesus and hides that. 😉

Life Is A Poker Game. The House Has Rigged The Table. No Matter What, You Will Die.

I told this unpalatable truth to a man I was hospitalized with. He did not want to hear it, understandably.

There Was This Guy Named King Solomon

He lived centuries ago and was world renowned for his wisdom, wealth, power and influence. The queen of Sheba, so the Bible says, came to visit him and he blew her socks off. She left impressed and left him MANY gifts.

People all over the world sought his advice: he was the wisest man in the world!!!

Fortunately he wrote a book and encoded his wisdom for future generations, and that book has survived to modern times. It is called the Book of Ecclesiastes and it’s in every Bible printed, basically.

He also wrote a superlative book on marriage: the Song of Solomon, also in the Bible. That guy should know as he had 700 wives!!!!

His Book Is Very Depressing

I will sum it up briefly as follows.

“Dear world, ’tis I, King Solomon. I have had all the wine, women and song I could possibly experience. If there is an illegal drug, I’ve tried it. I have had riches beyond measure, power as I am a KING, and done many many things. If there is any possible experience, I’ve had it or know about it. Additionally I am world renowned for my exceeding wisdom!”

“I wrote a book FOR ALL GENERATIONS to tell you it’s ALL POINTLESS MAN!!! EVERYBODY DIES IN THE END!!!!”

“Meaningless! Meaningless!” says the Teacher. “Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.” ~ Ecclesiastes 1:2 NIV.

He in there, although he had 700 wives, said he found “a man in a thousand” but never found a good woman. 700 wives, Song of Solomon, never found one good woman. Wow. And dire warnings about bad ones. (Ecclesiastes 7:26-28).

The official end of this book is:

When all has been heard, the conclusion of the matter is this: Fear God and keep His commandments, because this is the whole duty of man. ~ Ecclesiastes 12:13 BSB.

https://youtu.be/xdRHSuPxgXo

Wow, Thanks Phoenix I Want To Kill Myself Now, I Think.

I didn’t lead you all this far to drop you, ok?

Solomon lived before an amazing epic Man, the GOD MAN: JESUS CHRIST!!!!! WHO IS THE WHOLE POINT!!!!!!!!

The Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth is GOD’S HAPPY ENDING TO MAN’S TERRIBLE MESSED UP STORY.

Mine. Yours. Everyone’s!!!!

We have ALL MESSED UP. We ALL have ruined birthdays, trauma, bad stuff we have done, yes me too!!!!! Stuff we have done; stuff done to us; we are ALL EPIC FAILURES. WHO ARE GOING TO DIE REGARDLESS OF WHAT WE DO.

He is the only one who can restore all that stuff stolen from you; restore the stuff you stole from others; take that MASSIVE UNFIXABLE EPIC MESS and grow ROSES.

Every farmer knows MANURE is great for growing stuff. Except horse manure; that’s good for nothing. 😉

So receive Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior now. Pray this prayer with me:

“Heavenly Father, Lord of hosts, thank You for the gift of Your Son the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth. I believe He came in the flesh, died for my sins, and rose again to new life in a real new body. I now accept Him as my personal Lord and Savior. Thank You Jesus for dying to save me! In Jesus’ Precious Holy Name, Amen!!!”

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead…” ~ Philippians 3:13 NLT

Forget The Past. Let Jesus End Your Story.

Because His is the true Neverending Story. ❤ ❤ ❤

So my new life in Tampa continues on. So many experiences; where do I even begin?

Last night I had a bad night. I have PTSD from my extremely difficult life. Though I apply prayer remedies, good old fashioned psych treatment, and even take medication for nightmares, I can only keep it to a dull roar. It isn’t fixable.

I think the body of Christ needs to hear: some things AREN’T fixable. Some things get fixed in Heaven. You cannot solve everything this life. If there is stuff you have to manage that doesn’t go away; it is OK. Do not let anyone steal your joy or tell you you’re a failure. Some things and situations are NOT FIXABLE.

Last night I just kinda lost it. Fortunately had good people around me to help me through. Still really really bad. Fell asleep and had bad dreams in spite of nightmare medicine.

A new friend, *Dominic (not his real name) opined about my dream life that it was a parallel reality. Another new friend, *Ruth (not her real name), heard what Dominic said and observed things that are parallel never intersect. I said, that is interesting, as I literally never dream about anyone in my real life, no matter how important they are to me.

Before I woke up, in my dream I had hooked up with someone bad for me in a relationship doomed for destruction, and was on my way with them back to Colorado. Colorado for me is EGYPT. Pharoah and SLAVERY. In my dream, life was over, crapping out, headed straight for darkness, despair and death, driving down the highway that direction LITERALLY.

But even in my dream, I was sitting at a table, and a woman looked over, said something to me AND I WOKE UP IRL.

To a GOD breathed life where everything is working out SLOWLY, but working out.

I was drenched by a bad night, nightmares of NO ONE CARES and NOTHING WILL EVER GET BETTER, and asked the Holy Spirit to fill me just to have the courage to GET OUT OF BED.

I dragged myself to morning coffee (my brother, friend Dominic and I all meet daily for morning coffee), noticed the sunrise, thanked God for it, still depressed.

I woke up late; didn’t even know if anyone would be there. They were there!!!!

The Rainbow

Dominic and Sammy excitedly told me about a rainbow they saw, a sign from God. Oh, I thought, a rainbow and I missed it. Typical. I was still majorly in self pity mode. I also couldn’t figure out why they were so excited about a rainbow also; this is FLORIDA there is a lot of rain here hello.

Conversation went on and they dropped this was a most unusual rainbow.

1. There was no rain.

2. Rainbow was VERTICAL, like a pillar of rainbow light basically.

THAT intrigued me. They both saw it; other people saw it, well no wonder everyone thought that was a sign from God.

Where was it, I asked? Found out it had been in my general vicinity, basically BEHIND me.

Chills.

That rainbow apparently was near….ME!!!!

Well I chucked that into the denial pile, and walked the brothers to the bus stop to see them off to their church before I went to breakfast. Dominic talked more about the rainbow; made quite an impression on him.

I asked again where they’d seen it and he indicated vaguely over “that direction.” And then he turned, looked at me, and said, Phoenix that rainbow was right over the place you are staying.

But Jesus Wasn’t Done Yet

So He had given me these verses:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” ~ Philippians 4:6-7 NIV

HuffPost did a great article on these verses, actually.

I read a book and unfortunately do not remember where I read this or who wrote it, sadly, but the author had said the literal definition of PETITIONS is like you literally write up an order and submit it. Everyone has ordered supplies, pretty much, at some point in time. You write up the order, submit it to your supervisor/Department X/whoever, let the fairies work and supplies appear.

Jesus said, do the same! He is the Central Supply Department so submit requests with thanksgiving!!

The verb translated “petition” is aiteo, and basically it refers to a person of lesser position requesting a favor from a person of higher position, aka if you were to literally petition the government for something! Write your Congressperson; apply for federal aid, etc.. Or just ask your boss for office supplies.

Obviously all these requests MUST be specific and they generally involve FORMS and rules and such.

So I started praying like this. I didn’t LITERALLY USE A FORM. I just made this up for the blog post as an example.

I needed a tote bag, asked for it in Jesus’ Name, said thank You in advance. I asked for some other stuff too. In fact, I make it a point to obey the Lord’s prayer, ask for everything I need daily.

Went To My New Church

The Lord led me to a wonderful new church; I think we will literally make beautiful music together in every possible way.

A sister from the prayer breakfast I had gone to recently walked up to me.

SHE HAD A TOTE BAG.

She bought it just for me!!!!!!!!

So Then I Told Everyone About All This

Here are the things I have been learning:

• Spiritual maturity isn’t for yourself. It is to be used for the Lord’s service.
• The social media empire I have, such as it is, was built by Jesus for His own purposes. I am just the steward of it all. I need to find out what He wants done with it and do that.

• We Christians need to be filled with the Holy Spirit. It is about LOVE LOVE LOVE and nothing but LOVE!!!

 

So Sammy is a cook like me. I predict epic meals together!

Last night he was going on about OX TAILS.

I am like, ox tails are something WEIRD you cook in the South we Northerners shake our heads over hahahahaha.

He smiles and explains what good eating they are.

Then gets a twinkle in his eyes. “Have you heard of chitlins?”

YES. *choke gasp* Chitlins are INTESTINES. Of some animal. Doesn’t matter. INTESTINES.

I irritably say I am not fond of menudo either, and describe the husband of a friend who used a crockpot reserved just for his chitlins.

Sammy gets a smile says, oh he didn’t do it right. And launches into the glories of CHITLINS and lovingly describes the time he cooked up CURRIED CHITLINS.

I have by now resigned myself to the fact I am at some point in time OBVIOUSLY going to end up eating some.

And OX TAILS also.

Uggggghhhhhhh already living with peas WHAT IS NEXT?????

Chicken is delicious here. Just don’t kill it yourself HAHAHAHAHA.

So I am circulating amongst the local homeless population here. You get to see familiar faces, know people.

Blissfully, I often can’t get places without someone spying me, shouting my name.

“PHOENIX!!!!!”

I spin around. Who is calling? Someone waves me over, another new friend.

I am soooooo happy here.

The other morning, I left from my new daily ritual of morning coffee with Sammy, and crossed towards the place where I am currently staying.

Straight ahead of me, in this little community where people get to know each other, look out for each other, is a new face.

A young woman, long blonde hair. She looks sad, discouraged. She is panhandling which is unusual. That is very frowned on here; you’ll get busted quick. No one does it.

She is bearing a sign that says, “Hungry, Homeless, Pregnant.”

I don’t have much. Just change. Not much of that even.

I stop, dig out all that change. Maybe missed a penny. I don’t like giving out pennies for some reason; seems like I am cheaping out. But dug out all my change.

I say, I have very little to give you, but what I have, I give you. Press the change into her hand.

I then place my right hand, palm down, on her forehead, and invoke the Aaronic Blessing (Numbers 6:22-27) over her and her unborn child. Wish her well and walk on.

It was all I could do.

I have not seen her since and that is amazing. She could not have gotten far.

Last night I dug in my wallet for something.

It had change in it. My wallet was full of change.

I didn’t see that girl again. My wallet was full of change, and I don’t know why that would be.

Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by so doing some have unwittingly entertained angels. ~ Hebrews 13:2 NKJV

So last night, bunking it with my brother Samson and another friend of ours, I decided I was DONE with the way I had lived my life.

That YES, I had abusers in my life and not EVERYONE is an abuser!

That my conclusion everyone would treat me like CRAP was skewing things to where nice people behaved badly towards me; did not understand why! Many more than one over time!

That REGARDLESS of what people did or didn’t do in the future, this attitude must be REPENTED OF. Whatever in me was doing this had to go, and I asked the Lord to remove it.

I then prayed massive amounts of rain on myself, blessings and an end to “I don’t care.”

I asked, let people be SICK of the tragic life of Phoenix Victor to the point of, I will do something if I have to fly down there and personally hand her cash! I prayed many people would feel this way.

I decided I was worth the avalanche of blessings I would pray on everyone I love and prayed it all on MYSELF.

Jesus is now laughing. Daughter was feeling untrusting, built SKYSCRAPER in case of rain.

Modern skyscraper with all the amenities very good rain shelter, daughter. May not be hurricane proof; you live in Florida now. Cracking up in EVERY possible way hahahahahahaha.

I am praying and finally He is ENOUGH. Trust Me, PLENTY coming hahahahahaha.

Sammy And I Are At Lunch At McDonald’s

Although I have luggage and he has a bag and walking stick, we otherwise look like quite normal people. I was on the computer and he is writing in a journal.

So why did a lady and her kid walk up and hand us a burger and a drink????

This has NEVER HAPPENED!!!

Sammy smiles, hands them over, I start LAUGHING SO HARD.

I had LITERALLY ASKED people WALK UP AND HAND ME STUFF.

They handed it to Sammy who passed it over but SAME DIFFERENCE.

OMG, I said, hahahahahaha, what have I done? What have I prayed into existence????

Sammy is now cracking up too, saying, the lady had a really confused look on her face why am I doing this??????

HAHAHAHAHAHA oh dear Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth that bus is coming whether I believe in it or not.

The Bus Came And I Did Not Believe In Buses By Then

The morning I left for the airport, so much had gone wrong I no longer believed anything would work out at all, ever again.

I decided the bus wouldn’t come. It would be late; broken down; there would be no bus.

Jesus said the bus will come. I said no Lord, this is me. The bus won’t come because everything goes wrong. I had NO FAITH in buses. Or anything anymore.

SO WHEN THE BUS CAME, Jesus laughed and said, in spite of your COMPLETE DISBELIEF in that bus, it arrived all the same. Your lack of faith didn’t affect the reality of the bus in ANY way.

That day….everything went from step to step and while there were obstacles, there were no stops.

Every bus came and the plane left on time.

I had to catch three planes to get to Tampa and I caught them all. Everything was FINE.

In spite of my opinions about how life was fundamentally rigged to screw me over, life did NOT screw me over and I arrived in Tampa as planned.

So Going Forward

I choose to believe most people are decent human beings.

I choose to believe I have friends and people who care about me.

Time will reveal these people but they exist.

The Lord loves me and He isn’t the only One.

 

All names but mine have been changed in these following stories of my new life.

After an adventurous night, I joined my brother Samson for morning Bible study at our new church Grace And Glory Fellowship.

Samson and I had coffee, morning prayer, and a little Bible study at Burger King then headed over to church.

Sammy cooks; that is his main job at Grace and Glory. Sometimes I his sis help him in the kitchen. Today I helped serve the main lunch.

But Bible study.

I am finding, walk the path, walk the path. This morning it was following Sammy, who is shorter than me and has an actual staff, down the old paths in Florida.

Today I walked across actual cobblestone skirting the cemetery in the middle of downtown. Florida is ODD. Moldy, damp, full of history.

Through the green, the green! Tucson a desert parched for water. Here it is buy an umbrella and a poncho; they are NEEDED. I bought an umbrella and it’s clear I should have picked up a poncho too when I got THAT.

Before Bible study, after coffee and fellowship, Sammy and his staff led me to hopefully my new home for awhile here. I have to get a bed. I am gonna bunk it with Sammy until we can both do better; PLANS. He doesn’t have terribly good accommodations so I am seeking better.

This morning I fill out paperwork reminding me the South is all about RACE. There is a question asking RACE and another ETHNICITY. Wow, I have never had to think beyond “white” so when they ask “ethnicity” I put “Celtic.”

Oh boy. I don’t think Florida is prepared for me. At all. Florida is finding this out too.

Except I am brown skinned so obviously THERE ARE SOME SHENANIGANS IN THE FAMILY TREE.

Bible Study Is Epic

The text is John 17. Pastor Hill, a younger earnest man who nonetheless has a full head of gray hair, dives in with Sammy, myself, a bunch of semi awake street people, and an enthusiastic visiting pastor, Pastor Welton. Pastor Welton is enthusiastically telling people, you either have LIFE in Jesus or you DON’T.

That’s right!

The conversation sort of devolves after awhile into a crossfire between Pastor Hill, Pastor Welton, Sammy, myself, and other people dozing or semi-following. We are excitedly tracking down the secrets of life! To wit:

1. Jesus Christ manifested/transmitted the Father to His disciples (miracles, His ministry, etc.).

2. He transmitted the Father via the words His Father gave Him (the Word).

3. The disciples KNEW God as a result! 

4. This KNOWING is an INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP, like husband and wife!

5. The whole point is union with God and each other!

I talked a lot about Tucson, my life. The pastors pegged my struggle.

I had gone through so much, that despite being scary angel warrior for the Lord, I didn’t feel loved by Him.

Pastor Welton, who is a gem of a man, summed it all up in the art for this post. I am hanging onto this. THE POINT OF LIFE!!

Serving Lunch To The Homeless

Of COURSE I am in another homeless ministry and OF COURSE I am working there although I flew into town a few days ago.

Today I got to man the food distribution table. The person helping me wasn’t terribly committed; ended up wandering off doing someone’s hair. I ended up managing everyone myself.

Yay for waitressing skills!

I guarded the sugar; those people are addicts man!! I could tell who genuinely wanted extra and who was scamming me. They sized me up quickly: SHE DOES NOT GIVE EXTRA SUGARS.

Between wangling people, food, the volunteer who wandered off and did hair, I was pretty tired by praise and worship.

The music quieted; I was just chilling really. Wondering what life had in store next.

And then an emotional prayer. An older couple who had wandered in. The gentleman’s voice breaking. How Grace and Glory had provided food fellowship “and if that isn’t God’s love WHAT IS???”

I caught my breath. All this is REACHING PEOPLE.

And then a goofy guy who goes on, tells everybody earnestly about the love of God and just trust Him, it will be OK. God loves you and so do I, he basically said.

My peeps.

My new sis hadn’t heard from her all day. Finally got a breathless long voicemail so full of encouragement I saved it.

I gotta go; Sammy is waiting back at Grace and Glory.

My days of living life alone; being omnicompetent as I had to do everything all by myself, are OVER.

 

Timothy Goldeneagle lives with his beloved wife Amy, noodles on his guitar and plays with their two cats. A separate blog is coming soon!

“Special delivery, out of state sender. Sender unknown, will you sign?”

I signed. Got a lot of packages like that. It was my job after all.

She blew into my life under the radar. I didn’t think twice until I laid eyes on her.

And I was never the same after.

The story many places, some of it only available if you know where to look.

I understand thoroughly Jacob crying and kissing Rachel after he saw her as I wanted to do the same. She doesn’t even remember this and I never have forgotten the first time I saw her.

Some stupidity with the people I employed convinced her to walk and I was the big idiot who let it happen. I could have fixed it and sent her on her way instead.

Figured she would return. When she didn’t and it became clear she had no intentions of ever doing so, MASSIVE PANIC.

Many sad experiences later I finally strapped myself to the comet that is her.

Left behind a chain on Earth I had worn reminding me of what happened when I choked on all my fear.

When she took flight I was there. Sent by the Lord to rescue me. She held me so close. We went up and away, tore away from the toxic trap that had been my prison for many years, left it in the dust.

Went far far away and now I can be myself.

Love never fails, it never gives up. HIS Love.

And Amy’s. ❤❤❤

 

 

I have some time to kill.

I thought I would tackle MASS SHOOTINGS.

I don’t the heck know what is up with that and convinced NO ONE ELSE KNOWS EITHER.

The Birth Of The Modern Mass Shooting: Columbine

I was around for Columbine. I lived in Denver; I was there that day. Stuck to the news like the rest of the town; pain horror terror we were all scarred for MONTHS.

I studied what Westword wrote about it; best account and research ever.

In the end, the boys did it deliberately, knowingly. They were evil and insane.

I will share that experience with you through this video. This is pretty much what I remember seeing on TV.

https://youtu.be/9qyd_28mQHs

There is some footage showing the shooters’ insane twisted faces; they look like living demons to me. They did many videos, never released that I know of, explaining what they planned. Feeling sorry for their parents who were going to have to deal with what they did and get blamed for it.

They said nice things about their parents and how their parents were going to get blindsided by a tornado after what they were going to do, basically. It is quite apparent the shooters didn’t blame anyone for their actions but their own selves, regardless of what was opined later.

We will never understand evil; it is beyond our paygrade. So much for THAT.

What Did The Killers Want?

FAME. They wanted the videos published and they wanted to be talked about for years and years and years. They wanted to be remembered and everyone would always know who they were, what they did.

Sadly they got their wish.

And many twisted tortured souls noticed this and wanted the SAME THING.

I Want Everyone To Know My Name

Let’s do a brief rundown of mass shootings in the USA since Columbine.

I didn’t read it all; it’s sad. But I saw what I expected to see: wave after wave of shootings in quick succession as tortured souls decided Columbine was a GREAT IDEA; obviously they should do it too!

What Columbine did is start a trend. What a massively EVIL IDEA!! The most severe damage to all of society Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris accomplished was CREATE THE MASS SHOOTING CONCEPT. Mass shootings are SUPER TRENDY now. Same psychology I am pretty sure.

We think trends are great if it involves selling clothes and shoes and DREADFUL when that involves KILLING STUDENTS.

Gun control and blaming politicians and ourselves for what we honestly can’t stop ALSO trendy.

I Lived In Shady Town

I might have spent over a year living in what I now understand is the illegal drug distribution hub of the USA and gotten QUITE the education learning from all these people I met, although I never participated in any of it.

So gun control is a joke, when I personally know people involved in gun running locally (relatives and friends of people I have met, who were prosecuted and in the system and I heard about this) and politicians generally have no clue what is happening on the ground, so make BAD decisions about everything as a result.

If you want guns or drugs or WHATEVER YOU WANT, you just get them; there are always ways. Living in this town has taught me this truth. I never bought any drugs but I know the general areas where I could get them if I chose. Once I myself was mistaken for a drug dealer just walking around HAPPY.

I was literally crossing a parking lot on the way to a store. A guy pulled up near me, got out of his car, asked if I had dope.

When I said no, I don’t and I don’t know where you can get some, he then accused me of being high on meth and got belligerent. I was walking across the parking lot in a good mood, is all. I gave him crap back and continued my way into the store. He got back in his car, drove off.

Once I was propositioned; please come to my wild party and have sex with me and my hot friends. You’ll be the star! That guy was honestly shocked I didn’t think that was the deal of the year and turned him down!

I was a good little suburban girl, good grades, kept my nose clean, grew up in Mayberry basically.  Now I know all this stuff JUST FROM LIVING HERE and people sharing astonishing things with me! Do what thou wilt and don’t get caught seems to be the motto here.

Facebook Angst Accomplishes Nothing

All that handwringing about mass shootings makes you sick and adds to the general negativity and malaise of society. Gun runners are out in the desert today regardless of your petitions. Drugs and orgies and all kinds of crap are happening today no matter how many politicians you deliver lists to.

You don’t have control of that and neither do the politicians. If you write Mark Zuckerberg, he also cannot help you. Bill Gates can’t fix it and Santa Claus just delivers presents once a year; he is busy.

More and harsher laws are filling our prisons and burdening an already overstressed system. I talked to a guy today who did 10 years for shoplifting a $45 sweater which he then tried to return. Are we honestly solving anything giving people ten years in prison for stuff like that?

So Here’s My Advice

1. Mass shootings are not your fault.

2. You cannot prevent mass shootings.

3. You are not personally a bad person because mass shootings happen here.

4. We are not a bad horrible nation because mass shootings happen here.

How You Can Personally Make Mass Shootings Less Likely

Spread all the goodness, kindness, and love into the world you can. The poison of evil and hatred is literally killing people, so liberally apply the antidote to everyone you can.

THE ANTIDOTE IS LOVE.

 

So I believe in a world
where when you love each other,
whatever the relationship is;
family, friends, lovers, whatever
you share. You share whatever it is
you have. No one has everything.
Just the Holy Trinity
and They were lonely,
so They made ALL OF US.
The hands can't walk
and the feet can't type.
The eyes can't eat
and the mouth can't see.
We need each other.
We're so beautiful, each of us.
I just found out
if you know who you are
and love that
you have EVERYTHING.
You will always have you
wherever YOU go.
We aren't copies of each other
We need to be 
our best unique beautiful selves.
So what one lacks, another supplies.
We are the body of Christ
and shelter for each other
family in Christ
family in our hearts.

Phoenix Victor © 2019. All rights reserved.

My time here is coming to an end.

Nope not dying, despite that’s what I started this blog about.

Going to another place. More on that later.

A Little Background

I was gone a lot. Sweat lodge experience in June led to LONG HOSPITALIZATION in July.

There was a rent dispute I was trying to resolve and then I landed in the hospital. For a couple of weeks.

Took a taxi home, I am tired, and the leasing manager comes out to meet me, calls after me as I walk past the office.

You’ve been evicted, she said.

What????????

While I was in the hospital, the dispute failed to resolve successfully; I wasn’t there to do it. I didn’t get served; I missed a court date, and seven days after the eviction judgment I finally received the paperwork it had happened in my absence.

There is a ton of bullshit and drama involved. I could easily fight this in court. HOWEVER, Arizona has some really harsh eviction laws. I could get a fat bank account with $1 million and have trouble renting here after this.

So I come home to no home and life changes AGAIN.

After talking to loved ones during a VERY intense night where all fates were decided in many ways, I decide I am going to boogie on out of here. I came up with a good plan, I was pretty sure.

Mental health is restrictive and oppressive here in Arizona too. So many people get legally thrown in psych wards so regularly they actually have courtrooms at HOSPITALS.

I am not kidding. Hospitals have their own courtrooms so things can be solved efficiently, and there are judges who that’s all they do: handle the MH cases.

On one hand it’s great support; on the other hand, if someone gets nervous you find yourself NOT doing what you want to do fairly quickly.

I discussed my plan with a caseworker, in person. She approved it but was concerned.

So I start running around wrapping up my affairs saying goodbye etc.. I notice the agency called a couple of times, but just figured I will drop by tomorrow see what they wanted.

I am homeless so making arrangements where I can until I leave for good.

And that’s where the adventure really begins.

Laying It All At The Feet Of Jesus

So the other morning, I popped in a Catholic church for morning Mass. I am feeling tired and discouraged, literally. The Word says, ask for what you need.

I did ask for what I needed. Dear Lord, I need everything. Food, clothes, shelter, sleep, safe travels when I leave. Would He keep His Word? Would He give me what I needed?

I feel Jesus say, stay and pray a rosary and then follow the path. I have a path; follow it and everything you need will be provided.

Off To The Thrift Store

So He directed me, go to this particular thrift store; I have luggage for you there.

AND IT WAS SO.

I am walking around trustingly; do they even have luggage. Casing the store.

Finally in a corner there are several bags. Including one like new one that cannot have been used much. It even has the name and address of its former owner in the plastic window.

Someone unloaded that in a HURRY.

I picked it up for a song. New luggage! Thanks Jesus!

Took myself over to the Holy Donut and celebrated with a bacon, butterscotch, and chocolate raised.

You Will Yield Your Beer

I have a thumb wound; I have to keep it protected because the nail is broken and a piece juts out. I got it battling a beer bottle that wouldn’t open.

I was stressed; didn’t have a bottle opener as I rarely drink alcohol; used a spoon. I was gonna get that beer no matter what.

The beer bottle fought back valiantly and wounded me in the process, but I opened it and drank its beer in the end. Phoenix 1; Beer Bottle; 0 and in the trash baby!!!!

It was kind of an EPIC sight with cussing, BLOOD and foam. Friends were dying of laughter.

Nothing stops me in the end if I really want something. 🙂

Back To Donuts

So there I am eating this great donut, sort of advertising the wares of the Holy Donut to other patrons, and this STUPID NAIL is catching on something.

I finally go up to the counter girl, say I have a personal favor; I need a bandaid!

She digs out the company First Aid kit, rummages through, finally pops out with a bandaid. It is blue!

A blue bandaid! I am thrilled; thanks!

Going To The Mental Health Agency

Jesus said, go there and I will provide you what you need there. PATH.

So I trot myself and my great new suitcase over there. Get in, roll everything up to the second floor and check in.

Someone called and I dropped by to see what they wanted.

It gets a little weird; the front desk guy checks on stuff but no one comes out. Awhile passes and I get impatient. I didn’t come here because I needed something; you called me and I am here to see what you want. I am polite but ask what’s going on.

I should have noticed he was stalling for time. He told me; they’ll be out soon don’t leave.

My Therapist Says Hi

She is seeing other patients, sees I have shown up with a suitcase, and takes it upon herself to find out what’s going on.

Although I talked about my plan with a caseworker just the day before, she didn’t know about it. She didn’t know who called or why I was there. She asked what I was doing and what my plans were so I told her.

She listened, asked some questions, and then blessed it. She’ll miss me and I will miss her. I hugged her and she wished me safe travels. Went back inside the office area.

And That’s When The Police Show Up

I am watching them go in the nurse’s office, wonder who they’re here for.

It couldn’t be me; I discussed my plan with a caseworker; got it approved. I even just ran it by my therapist who didn’t know; all lights are green.

They Were There For Me

No. Just NO. This cannot be happening.

They politely introduced themselves. You’ve been petitioned (legally thrown in a mental hospital) by your mental health agency. Come with us.

I am like………

But I don’t fight it. I have heard of idiotic things like this happening. I was in the hospital with someone who legally changed her name. This made her doc nervous and he petitioned her!

I just got out of the hospital, and because my plan to solve my life involves traveling, the caseworkers felt nervous about that and decided to STOP ME.

Even though I talked to them, thought things were fine. They obviously didn’t consult with or even notify my therapist. I bet she wasn’t a happy camper when she found out what happened.

I Was Calm And Gracious

We all got in the elevator. I really like Tucson PD; they’ve been quite supportive in many ways. I told the two officers, I am traveling so they petitioned me. I won’t give you the least amount of trouble. You are doing your jobs.

They got my stuff in the car; utmost respect, and got me in the back of the car. Handcuffs weren’t involved, thank GOD, and I treated them like Lyft drivers honestly.

I regaled them with stories of me being a police chief’s secretary, a legal secretary, and working at a nuclear weapons plant in Colorado. I could tell they were REALLY unhappy with their current assignment of dragging perfectly sane me off to a psych ward to be involuntarily committed, and just made it all as easy as possible.

We Get To The Public Psych Ward

It doesn’t have a good reputation. They don’t have beds; they have chairs, and generally people who cannot afford better go there. Or you’re being taken by police like me.

We go through the law enforcement entrance, past the hospital courtroom. Because Arizona!

The officers are looking unhappy and uncomfortable. The staff notices immediately I am not your usual involuntary patient. I sit on the bench like a queen.

Fortunately not all my paperwork arrived and they sign me in voluntarily. I wave goodbye to the officers and disappear inside, escorted by a nurse.

It’s A Busy Day At The Public Psych Ward

For some reason there were a lot of ACTIVE sick people there. They were running short on seclusion rooms. Lots of noise and drama.

Most people would be freaked out and terrorized. I just nodded and smiled at the din. Typical active psych ward with the sickest patients.

What I noticed was the staff. They honestly see the sickest cases in the city daily; that’s their workplace. They were kind, humorous, down to earth, rolled with everything thrown at them. Were patient with the most unreasonable stressed out cases.

Compassion; kindness; people vilify them in and out of the ward. They were kind and supportive of each other and the patients even when those patients screamed and cussed at them.

How Did I Feel???

I was in PERFECT PEACE.

There is a promise in the Bible about Jesus giving people perfect peace whose minds are stayed on Him.

Jesus what did You shoot me full of; everyone assumes the doc gave me the good stuff and no one has given me medicine at ALL. I am blissed out and tranquil; everyone assumes meds. Only the docs who gave me nothing and *I* know it’s You!

Why was I feeling such deep sweet peace and relief?

The other night I had seen signs that literally said, “Relief Is Coming” and NOT BELIEVED.

Jesus said, go to your mental health agency. You need to stay and not leave. I will provide what you need through them.

No hospital would take me; I am too damn happy all the time. But they couldn’t turn me away; I was involuntary!!

Jesus said He would provide food, clothing, shelter, and REST. What I needed.

I was safe, secure, had a place to rest, food, clothing: JESUS KEPT HIS PROMISES!!!!!!!

Six Months Of Life Wrecked Me And I Reached Enlightenment

That was my conclusion anyway.

I didn’t die; I survived so much, and now I am like freaking living Buddha or something. I am a hardcore Christian; my God is the Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth WHO IS GOD, but man this is what Buddhists describe AND I HAVE REACHED THIS.

I was calm, tranquil, ah solitude and AMAZING things happened inside me!

Watched someone come in; oh that person is a four heavy guys pile on shoot them full of Haldol case. Watched someone else come in screaming and losing it; wow it’s busy, wonder if they’ll have to clean out a broom closet as they are running out of space to stash people in??

Crying and cussing people around me and I AM SERENITY ITSELF.

What The Staff Did

The staff had interviewed me; you are as sane as we are. The doc was unamused at the whole situation and took it upon herself to rescue me.

Staff was kind to me and I was kind to them. At one point, one of them shuffled a deck of cards and said, “I have a full deck!”

I quipped back, “Nobody here has a full deck!”

They laughed; joke of the day, they said. Nobody here has a full deck, including the staff, they said.

Staff some of the kindest sanest people I have EVER met. Compassionate docs without an “I am the doctor therefore I am your god” attitude like some have.

My doc figured it out. She barely gave me ANY meds while I was there; just something for sleep. Took it upon herself to rescue me from that involuntary commitment.

She came by this morning looking like the cat who got the canary, a satisfied smile on her face. I am getting you discharged, she said.

It had been less than the 24 hours required by the petition. They had had court the previous night I heard.

Case dismissed!!

Nothing Can Disturb My Peace

I cannot talk about patients or staff due to confidentiality rules, so I will just discuss I was in one group. I have been in many groups many places, and this group of very ill patients and a WISE compassionate peer support specialist was ONE OF THE VERY BEST OF THEM ALL!!

They handed out a brief, anonymous survey. I filled it out and used the markers to draw a little picture; I am an artist after all!

The group leader smiled at my art; dear God a patient is drawing on the survey form and took it away from me hahahahaha.

Group Leader Reveals Secret Of Life To Therapy Group

That is honestly how I see it. I can talk about the research he talked about as that isn’t personal revelations.

Basically, research has been done and I used myself as an example, so I can reveal this as it is me.

Let’s say someone gives me a $100 bill! Yay I am happy and my mood goes up up up!!

But later that day there is a windstorm. In the rush for shelter, I let go of the bill and the wind blows away my $100 bill. Boo hiss!!! My mood crashes and I start thinking about the unfairness of life and all that.

What research showed is when something makes you go down like that, when you eventually go back up you don’t go up to I got a $100 bill levels. You go up a little but stay down.

Furthermore, your energy levels crash too, not just your mood.

So depressed people are deep sea creatures living in a deep sea environment surface dwellers don’t understand, basically. World of the deep sea has different rules people floating on top of the sea do not understand in any way.

I was fascinated. How do you get back up, I wanted to know.

We had a long discussion and again I cannot reveal any details so will just reveal the conclusions.

Depression Empties Your Gas Tank

Depression isn’t just depressed mood; it is lack of energy. Depressed people don’t have energy to go hiking and calling friends and tea parties. It is POSSIBLE to be so depressed you would honestly kill yourself if you cared enough and could work up the energy to do so. You are so under the floor having the energy to off yourself is BEYOND YOU.

People have invented spoon theory to describe this.

An Aside About Website Ads

A personal comment about that site. They want me to disable my ad blocker and have blocked the site from view so I will consent to see their ads. I cannot be bothered honestly; I will find my info elsewhere. This is a great way to kill your site and make sure no one reads your content. Just sayin’.

I don’t run ads; WordPress runs some ads on my posts. I do not pay anything for my site and publicity isn’t an issue, obviously. If you cater to advertisers and cram your site with ads, you’ll drive away your audience and then your advertisers will go away when your readers do.

Back To Teaching

Basically what we learned is that you need to:

1. Find out who you really are and hang onto that.

2. Fill the gas tank with what is gas for YOU!

Gas for each person is something different. For me it is art, music, cooking and writing! Someone else might go chop wood or fix an engine. Someone else might spend time building model planes.

The Solutions Are Spiritual

Over and over I hear mental health people, patients and staff use the words, “I don’t want to sound religious but…” and then get TOTALLY religious!! About whatever their faith is!! They don’t want to OWN their faith or preach their faith (thanks POLITICALLY CORRECT “PC” POLICE, the ONLY cops I cannot stand; I love all the REAL COPS; THEY’RE THE BEST!!!!!) so they excuse themselves and then we all talk about religion, having made the proper offering to appease the PC gods.

An Aside About Feminazis And The PC Police

I never make this offering; people in general do; they have been brainwashed into worshiping the agenda of the Feminazis who have a hotline to the PC Police, and we all live in fear of these no fun zipped up sourpuss people YOU NEVER INVITE TO PARTIES OBVIOUSLY.

This is why men stopped talking to women, ladies.

Would you like to know what kind of powerful capable woman men really want?

So to continue….

The Solutions, Ahem, Are Spiritual

Honestly that discussion above is a good example of women who have COMPLETELY SOLD THEIR POWER TO PERCEIVED MALE ENEMIES. They have enslaved themselves to VICTIMHOOD. Their whole lives are in the control of “THE PATRIARCHY.” They have completely abdicated personal power and responsibility and made themselves PUPPETS OF THEIR OWN PERCEPTIONS.

The men are, hey lady you’re crazy I AM THE MAILMAN. I am not stalking you; I AM DELIVERING MAIL.

If you take your power back from WHOMEVER you gave it to, you can stop screaming on airplanes, destroying scales and otherwise humiliating yourselves and being the butt of cruel jokes. But YOU WILL HAVE TO OWN YOUR LIFE IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY AND STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR YOUR MESS!!!!!!!!!!

That is a SPIRITUAL ISSUE.

Solve it inside and get on with life. Or not. This goes for EVERYONE.

I Lost The Plot

So the rest of the day went well. Josie the Pussycat picked me up at the hospital. She drives by the hospital bus stop and picks up people and takes them places as a personal unpaid service she feels the need to do.

Josie is a loud happy lady with long dark hair, brown skin and large dark glasses. I notice she is wearing a leopard print overshirt. Excitedly, she says yeah, I am, aren’t I? Then she shows me her undershirt is leopard print, and pulls THAT down a teensy bit to show me even her undergarment is leopard print!!

Now THAT is dedication.

She has picked up another guy who was taking the bus home from work, and stuffed him in the back. We are off to somewhere near downtown, since we are going that direction. I don’t usually hop in the car with strangers but Josie is something special.

At the stop I saw a grief card someone left behind. It reassured me Jesus is with me and loves me. I read it and then leave it in case the person it was written to comes back for it. Thanks Jesus; You left me a literal card to remind me You were there.

Josie drives along happily babbling to us, finally finds a bus stop to drop us at (it has to have a bench, she says!) and drops us off.

Take the bus into downtown. Do my errands. End up in another part of town.

I am walking along when all of a sudden, right in the middle of my path, is a very large pure white bird’s feather.

There Are NO White Birds In Tucson

Really.

In Colorado, there are herons and swans and geese. Seagulls swoop and dive around mall lights.

Tucson has beautiful grey mourning doves, roadrunners, desert quail and pigeons. Colorful finches. Lots of grey pigeons. The occasional hawk.

NO WHITE BIRDS.

This is a LARGE WING FEATHER.

Whoa. A sign. Obviously.

I pick it up carefully and put it in my purse.

The Church

I wend my way to my favorite church. Services are just getting out. I catch the priests at the end, ask for blessings for myself, my stuff, my journey.

The one who runs the place, someone I know who knows me, when I ask to spend time in the chapel with Jesus, smiles and shows me how to let myself out. I am gonna turn the lights off, he said. Just lock the outside door when you leave.

 

Step by step.

PATH.

So like another one, long, long ago.

 

Featured image is Varsity Lake by Cosmo Dudley.