There is new joy in my life and so grateful. But epic amounts of past sorrow.
Fame Inc.
My previous name before I changed it in the divorce was Amy Aletheia Cahill. You cannot miss it; it is a search term. Seren Wild is almost but not quite a search term.
The first thing that pops up is my music. I was very talented before a car accident caused a head injury. Self-published three albums.
But my photos are all over the world. I posted them on Flickr and made them available. Like millions of others.
Google Amy Aletheia Cahill and look under Images. Lots pop up. Google has nicely arranged them by topics too. Like I am a major publication myself. Amy Aletheia Cahill, LLC.
Memories
I am super special in all ways. I page through Google search, hunting down where my children went, and think things like the following:
Oh that afternoon tea with Brad. Assam was his favorite. That pic is in India in a culture article.
I went to the local coffee shop one day in a sad mood. Snapped a picture of my coffee and half a bagel sandwich. That pic is on two coffee shop sites.
I just found one of my pics in a video about how to use Creative Commons material. Here are photos; here is how to properly credit them. My name is in the credits.
My pics are on Wikipedia, Pinterest, HuffPost, PopSugar, Business Insider. I was on MSN.com. And on and on. Publications. Magazines.
I snapped a couple of photos of deep fried Snickers to amuse the friends I had then. I think it was a bad unhappy day with Freddy.
They both ended up in major publications.
Everyone in the world just helps themselves. You visit my Flickr and see over a hundred views on basically every photo.
This is hard. This is honestly hard. Why?
My Life: Now Selling Canned Fish!
I didn’t wander around and take all these photos because my life was great. I was a sad panda.
I took pics of how I wanted my life to be. Pretty much everywhere I went, I was alone or with Freddy Krueger. Mostly alone.
The cemetery pics used all over the world were taken on a rainy cloudy day. It was a personal journey. My heart hurt.
I put my heart into those pics; let them express the sorrow and darkness I felt inside. The aching loneliness. Put them up expected no one would see them.
Instead, some of them have been seen by millions.
The Elitch Gardens trip. Wandering around, taking bright pictures, wishing my life was like that.
I wanted to be on the Ferris wheel with Brad. Instead I had to ride with others, as I was alone.
So I took pictures instead. I tried to ride the rollercoaster but too fat and dizzy. I took pictures.
They are used on travel sites and most places wishing to write about Elitch Gardens.
My Heartbreak Now Your Ad Campaign
My personal journey. My photos that some of them have deep personal meaning. Used by whoever wanted them, to do or represent or advertise whatever.
How would YOU feel if your personal scrapbook of memories you thought no one would see instead massively drove Denver tourism???
Your pain. Your heartbreak. Your loneliness and suffering. You couldn’t live it. So you took pictures. Of everything you wanted life to be.
Most of them are used according to my license. I am fine with that. But I didn’t expect exposure of this magnitude.
I Laugh At The Concept Of Advertising
Global reach, millions of views. Advertising budget: $0.
You can package me up and sell me; obviously you would make a mint.
Everyone else is hashtags/SEO/Google rankings. I have never needed any of that.
I abandoned my Flickr accounts for the most part. Stopped talking to anyone there. Recently posted some stuff for my last job. So famous I was able to source myself for work. Sigh.
I am like, leave me alone under this rock. Millions of people worldwide post photos on the internet daily. Why did my coffee photo end up selling a coffee maker and everyone else’s coffee photos didn’t get much farther than Facebook?
No I will not take anything down. It is far far too late. Timothy once said, to erase your name from history, you would have to destroy the internet.
He had an incredibly hard time that day. I have a really tough time with this. He got very intimidated and somewhat jealous. That reaction is common.
Loving A Comet
Timothy said, loving you is like trying to love a comet. Or a mountain. Or Storm from X Men.
I felt isolated by that. How do you have a relationship with the Grand Canyon? You can’t.
I said to Samuel, am I like loving a comet?
He said, yes honey, you are like loving a comet. But I will ride that comet like Little Boy and never leave it.
💗💗💗
This is what he means. I knew what he was referring to.
I smiled hugely when I saw this clip. He said yep, that’s it.
Riding Little Boy
You are a nuke, he says. But you are God’s nuke, and your purpose is to utterly destroy the works of darkness, what works you can. And I will ride the comet until we both detonate. 💗💗💗
Neither of us is suicidal. Fighting hard to live, and overcome problems, and build a healthy, happy future for ourselves.
But in the end our lives will be spent and sacrificed. We will both eventually die at some point.
I hope we have a glorious life and a more glorious death. The Lord’s Will for our life be done. ❤❤❤
So new man in my life, who I shall call Samuel. Not his real name; there are reasons. Samuel out of the Bible is who he identifies with most, and the name he wants to go by on this now very public blog.
Praise the Lord, all the essentials for the month are paid! Rent, utilities, phone, bus pass, even laundry money!
Just no money left to eat. I get $36 or so in food stamps. This is the America Trump and the Republican Party created. I have to have surgery and cannot work until after I have it and have recovered.
One more month being fed by the Lord like the wild birds. I was discouraged in spite of the tremendous blessings of all my essential bills paid in full.
Samuel has some experience relying on the Lord, told me food was literally the easiest thing to acquire. He always fretted about money.
He looked at it as Hallelujah, the bills are paid! We have the essentials covered! Food is super easy!
I was feeling sad and deprived, however. I mean I spent my whole check utterly responsibly on basically everything I needed.
Nothing left for food. Wants, hahahaha!!
The Lord met me there. He said, through your relationship with Me, everything is yours. You are not a pauper but the richest woman on the planet.
You are the wife of the DM, and the DM is the real Creator of the Universe. What do you want and need?
I spent the last of my money on junk food. I have made some tough realizations, and earlier this evening had flashbacks.
This calls for chips and cookies. I bought some. I had like barely enough. So the Lord did this.
I was a bit shocked when my purchase rang up exactly store price. The cashier was like wow, it is $11 even. This never happens. He didn’t ask why.
I did. I reasoned I couldn’t have been charged tax. And I wasn’t as you can see.
Why large chain store wouldn’t charge tax is beyond me. I paid with cash so no special program or discount applied.
I guess it is no tax day. Because reasons!!!
I don’t want to get anyone in trouble so destroyed the trail of what store where. I just wanted to post large chain store with automatic registers, which run on complex software designed to handle many situations, didn’t charge me tax.
For no reason at all.
Samuel pointed all this out as we were walking away. It is Jesus of course. He said to put the physical receipt on my fridge to remind me Jesus provides everything!! And is in control of everything!!
This left coffee money. I walked over to a local bookstore, bought a large coffee. Put a whole bunch of stuff in it.
Jesus cut the tax as He wanted to treat me to coffee. He knew I was stressed and needed something extra. He is so good like that. ❤❤❤
Had a few of my cookies, sat there and drank the coffee. Then Samuel and I browsed, talked. It was a very nice time.
He really is good (Jesus) and provides all we need if we just walk with Him. Incredibly grateful for Samuel. 💗💗💗
Grateful most of all for Jesus Himself. Amen! ❤❤❤🤗
I feel like this is the one corner of the world where I can be honest. On a stage. But I have been on many stages, beginning at age four.
Something utterly wrecking and devastating happened in the wee hours. I literally cannot discuss it other than it happened.
It wasn’t a consequence of sin, secret or otherwise. It happened due to the battles with the Dark that are a staple of my life.
I yielded to Jesus only. But now, shadows.
A friend, the night before, was inspired by the Lord to give me a chapter from Esther. I then read the whole book.
Esther was a beautiful virgin dragged into captivity to become a concubine to King Ahasuerus. She had zero choice in this.
The Bible says her uncle/effective father Mordecai paced every day in front of the women’s quarters out of his mind with fear and worry about how she was doing.
He loved her and didn’t abandon her. I have been too little loved like this.
Esther could have been a “down with the patriarchy” poster child. She didn’t lead a revolt. She accepted her situation and was obedient.
As a result of accepting, yielding and being pleasing to her captors, she won the grand prize and became queen!
A word of caution. If someone kidnaps you, ESCAPE! If someone abuses you, RESIST! RUN!
Esther was living in a country where the king had the absolute authority without possibility of appeal. He also was the legitimate ruler.
So she obeyed. She made the best of a bad situation there was literally no escape from in her society.
Mordecai was also obedient to the Lord. He refused to worship a man. As a result, that man decided to have all Jews exterminated and got the king to sign an order decreeing it!
According to the law, these orders were irrevocable. Once sent, they couldn’t be rescinded even by the king himself!
Wow, what a pickle. Obey the Lord, now everyone is gonna die because you followed the Law. Mordecai must have mightily struggled with that.
The Bible says he did grieve and mourn and agonize, but he did it the right way. He put on sackcloth, ashes, fasted and prayed. He took the problem to the Lord to solve.
He didn’t blame himself for obeying and now other people are hurt as a result. He knew obedience to the Lord was right regardless. He didn’t get mad at the Lord for not honoring his obedience.
He didn’t rant and say, I obeyed You and now everyone is gonna die! Worst decision ever!
He turned to the Lord to fix it. So did the rest of the Jews. Through prayer and fasting, persisting over time.
Then he commanded Queen Esther to risk her life to talk to the king, save her people. She balked, and he told her the Lord would save the Jews another way if she was disobedient. She would perish, however.
Esther believed him. She prepared herself through prayer and fasting also, and got others to help.
In the days of prayer and fasting, hers and the people’s, change happened. She was given a plan. The rest of the book is how things unfolded. The Jews were saved, and that is the story of the Feast of Purim.
I see how people got on their knees, sought the Lord persistently with prayer and fasting, and then acted after. Both are necessary. Then the Lord moved.
I am captive but not physically captive. I have been stolen yet live in my home. Let him who has eyes to see, see this.
I lack the power to free myself. Please trust me on this. So like the Queen, am in the women’s quarters. May be here for some time.
The Lord has shown me the way. Praise the Holy Name of Jesus, Amen. ❤
Last night I went back to Colorado. I was asleep; it was a dream.
In my dream it snowed. Nothing but. All the snow I could possibly wish, and deep.
In my dream the Rockies were clear. There was one really huge mountain in the back range, a single like Mt. Hood or Mt. Fuji. It doesn’t exist, except in my dream.
In my dream, I went home in all ways. The stop in Colorado a trip, not a destination.
I was planning on returning to Tucson in the dream. Who here do I notify. Who here cares.
There are those that do, and very grateful for them. ❤
Then I woke up, here not there. Home, where I belong. ❤❤❤
Whoa, I am about to read some confessional about how Seren has secretly been off getting high at a druggie park? Going to bars at night, church in the morning?
Let’s all embrace her as she admits the truth, send her to a Twelve Step program. Did not know.
NOPE.
Through the grace of God ALONE, do not struggle with all that, never have. Given my history I should have. I just didn’t and that frankly is Jesus Christ, and Him ONLY.
The Addictive Personality
But there is something known as the addictive personality. People in recovery get what I am talking about. I do have that.
In the past, it expressed itself in various ways. Before I left the ex, I was addicted to sugar, jewelry and shopping. My use of all these was compulsive and destructive.
As it was how I survived a soul destroying situation, the Lord allowed it. He then sent me here and delivered me of all that.
But the bent/twist/whatever that makes you think like that, the urge to use, that is deep and He didn’t remove it. Likely a result of my horrifying history.
Last night I started craving sweets. Then craving other things. It was, I am in pain so I am going to use this THING (insert substance of choice) to make me feel better.
It doesn’t really matter what I was craving would be satisfied by a Snickers bar and not heroin. You have a hole in your soul and try to fill it with a substance that temporarily relieves that pain, that is the ESSENCE of addiction.
So I sat there and realized I could fall into some new addiction right now, or I could take a different path and NOT fall into Snickers addiction or whatever addiction.
Even religion can be an addiction. You can get super hyped up and follow religious practices and behaviors hardcore, and your religion is the center of your life, NOT Jesus Who is what the religion is supposedly about.
Addiction Is Demonic; Jesus Is The Only Answer
I haven’t totally figured out if addiction is literally a demon or if demons are just involved. I do know these recent struggles started after demonic attacks on me.
I have listened to not only others who struggle with addiction, but even mainstream radio music where people talk about fighting with “the voices in their head.”
Nobody thinks the singers have schizophrenia; this is a pretty common experience. I heard about someone report, struggling to quit smoking and other issues, she was fighting with her “demons”.
People sense that is what is really happening. Prejudice against the existence of the spiritual world then makes them think this is fantasy or allegory. It isn’t.
IT IS LITERAL REALITY.
This is why spiritual solutions are the only solution. Going further and saying, as the root cause of addictions is demonic/involves demons, Jesus Christ is the ONLY solution.
About The Twelve Steps
I was deep deep in an Al Anon group in my 20’s. They were super hardcore. That group was my whole life.
Among the many things we did was travel to conventions. We went all over. Met many people in recovery; was steeped like a tea bag in all things Twelve Steps.
So here is what I know. I had a Big Book, studied it like the Bible it was to me then. Learned the history of how it all began. It is a history I think many don’t know.
How AA Began
Here is the history AA itself publishes. It is a bit deeper than that account. My knowledge comes from reading and studying the Big Book, all that time spent in Twelve Step groups, and all the conventions I went to.
AA started as a Christian spiritual concept. They kinda disingenuously post the Oxford Groups were led by an Episcopalian, as if that guy didn’t lead with his obvious faith in Jesus Christ.
The Oxford Groups, as that well researched article clearly shows, were CHRISTIAN. AA has buried this!
I suggest you read the Big Book yourself; it is very inspirational. It shows Bill W. and Dr. Bob were pretty clearly spiritually inspired in creating the Twelve Steps.
As the Twelve Steps are a detailed, step by step plan to actually get right with Jesus Christ, this worked and therefore people got delivered from their demons!
This meant they stopped drinking/using as they no longer were being compelled to by the demons. Jesus delivers you from even the worst demonic afflictions, so there was no case so bad they didn’t recover.
Hallelujah, people NOTICED and wanted that for themselves. AA was born.
The Higher Power Concept
What then happened in their early fellowships, which were reminiscent in many ways of the early church as they WERE that, is some guy said, I just cannot believe in Jesus. But I want to stop drinking; I want to be included.
Bill W. and Dr. Bob wanted to save alcoholics. So they accommodated him. Jesus was out, unless you chose Him of your own accord. The Higher Power concept was born. The Higher Power is whatever you want it to be, and that is the present day belief and practice.
As it is just an accommodation of one guy’s refusal to believe in Jesus and NOT the truth, it works kinda sorta. Not really.
I am literally hanging out with people who do all the right things and still fall deeper into addictions. The truth is right there in the lives of the people I know.
They are told to keep fighting, given support by people who don’t have solutions and know this. No blame or judgment; the suffering need all help possible. All these helps exist as they are BADLY NEEDED.
Something Is Better Than Nothing
So now we live in a rehab on every corner world. Addictions are a huge industry. I meet the people who struggle, and I deal with this myself.
AA has buried the truth; we cannot offend people with Jesus. We want to save alcoholics. Making the same decision their founders did.
I think I remember, after the Higher Power decision was made, the fellowships began to struggle and the success rate started dropping. There is no evidence anyone involved connected those two events.
We have recovery culture but I haven’t seen any convincing evidence it actually WORKS.
I sat there this morning and knew this would be the morning I started a new addiction, or skipped the whole thing and chose not to go down that road.
So this is what I did.
Fill The Hole With Jesus
Basically I am in horrible pain for many reasons. I am therefore tempted to use. I have burdens that are breaking me.
Addiction mind says turn to object/person/substance to fill the hole and relieve the pain. Christ mind says go straight to Jesus to meet that need.
So I went to Jesus, brought Him my needs. Turned to Him and not something else.
Cast Your Burdens On Him
I became aware I was being tempted because of my extremely heavy burdens. Jesus was willing to carry them instead. I was in fact COMMANDED to do this!
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you. ~ 1 Peter 5:7, NLT
Other translations literally say “cast”. I did this. With an act of my will, I cast everything on Jesus. Immediately the pain was lessened. It is now bearable although not gone.
I asked Him to not let me take back what I had given Him also.
Pray For Blessings, Comfort And Healing
You need to ask for what you want and need from the Lord or you won’t receive it. You need to pray specific, detailed prayers.
I asked for all these and have started receiving them also.
Persistence Is Necessary. So Is Obedience.
I wasn’t miraculously delivered of all my problems this morning. I didn’t expect this either.
These are choices I ask for the Lord’s grace to persistently make over time, relying on His grace and power and not my own flesh. Thank You in advance, Lord, in Jesus’ Name, Amen. My flesh WILL fail, period. Only God will cause me to succeed.
Relying on the Lord for everything and not myself is my ultimate secret to who I am. I am who He made me from the moment of my conception. 100% of the glory and credit go to Him. Even my cooperation with Him is grace.
I Need People
We cannot do it alone. I have therefore joined a church, am going to therapy groups, started a volunteer job, and connecting in other ways too.
I have many many wonderful friends I met online, or people I keep in touch with there. These friends I talk to on the phone and internet are a huge and real support system. Very grateful for these friendships. ❤❤❤
The Bible commands us not to forsake the fellowship of other believers.
“And let us not neglect our meeting together, as some people do, but encourage one another, especially now that the day of his return is drawing near.” ~ Hebrews 10:25, NLT.
It also talks about how we need the prayers of others, even many others. The apostles were in a bad situation and credited the prayers of the church for their deliverance.
“For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer.And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
“We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers and sisters, about the troubles we experienced in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired of life itself.Indeed, we felt we had received the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead.He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us again. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us,as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.” ~ 2 Corinthians 1:5-11, NIV.
Addictions Are Hard
This is a lifelong struggle. Lots of help and support are needed. There aren’t easy answers. You cannot shortcut the effort needed.
And it is like, you started this as a therapy blog to express your feelings, so why don’t you try using it for that.
Just sheer raw utter gutted painful emotions. The bright parts of my life. The dark underbelly few know.
Her lights were not always bright and beautiful. The one person who would understand that can never reply. He died.
I belatedly checked, there is nothing from him where he usually left stuff for me. I didn’t check as I knew. Depressed at the confirmation honestly.
One time Timothy and I were laughing about how he might write something about how much she loved Tucson, compare her to a sunset. What cactus meant to her.
We were howling and that guy had an uncharacteristic huge grin and said NOTHING.
They are both gone; the wind blew them away. Tumbleweeds. Silence now.
There is a future; for now a secret.
I am learning about pain and grief and to move forward and through. Let go, say goodbye.
I lived in a dead girl’s shadow and won’t do that to someone new. I have seen grief consume people.
I watched case after case where the dead person became the obsession of the living. Someone posted about a friend, this woman’s daughter died all these years ago. She is no better now.
I don’t talk about my cat I had for 19 years. That is a long time to have a cat; that is exactly like raising a child, basically.
I was devastated when he died. But I had a moment of truth. I saw I could get stuck and lost in a sea of grief, never make it back to dry land.
Or I could skip all that and let him go. Chose that and asked the Lord to heal me. Four years later I am neutral. I do not suffer his loss.
People you deeply loved are much harder to grieve and let go of, but the principle is the same. Move forward or risk obsession.
I refuse to jeopardize myself and my future by getting and staying stuck. So moving through, but so much pain in the meantime. 😦
I gave Jesus this blog. He took it over and it has gone a little nuts. I didn’t expect any of this. I started this as a therapy blog to rant about the unfairness of life ending shortly.
That didn’t turn out as expected, like many many other things.
Speaking Life Or Speaking Death
I ran into a gal; I will not say where. She struggles with addictions like so many I know. She had a recent relapse; the story is interesting. She was not sober in a car accident; ended up impacting a windshield.
The lack of sobriety lessened the negative impact on her body; the Lord is merciful and uses even our weaknesses and failures to bless us.
She recently shared that shortly before this, someone texted her this long horrible text wishing her dead.
Sadly, it hooked her. She read those words over and over, all those words of death, obsessed on them, thought about them.
Awhile later she lost her sobriety and was in a wreck. I do not at all believe this was unrelated.
Fill Your Mind With Good Things
I know the power of words. There is a reason the Lord had a book, the Bible, written and not some other method of communication.
Jesus is the Word Incarnate through which all was created. Words are very powerful.
I saw this gal, told her I had learned to speak life over myself. Ran around town listening to praise and worship music.
I don’t own a TV. I don’t play video games. This saves me from many ills.
I fill my mind with positive words and the Word of God. The Lord commanded me to stop speaking death over myself, so I did.
This Impacts Reality In Intriguing Ways
Recently I was crossing that same busy street. Same intersection exactly. I was crossing with two people with the walk light.
For some reason, they stopped at the island. I proceeded. And saw why they had stopped.
Another car, a truck, again tried to turn into me. He stopped dead so close I could have reached out and touched the hood.
Wow. Just wow. I was a bit freaked out. But he stopped. He didn’t hit me. Nothing happened.
Words Impact Reality
I told this story to the gal who read the death text over and over, and wrecked. I told her I fill my mind with praise and worship music, the Word of the Lord, positive things. Get it, I said?
She looked up at me with a huge huge smile. Yes I do, she said.
I Wish
Dealing with permanent connections, permanent situations, permanent literally lifelong commitments. Oh why do I live such a strange life I have to keep so much secret.
The Lord is saying I didn’t get you into all this to run away. I have established things that will be around for the rest of your life. You cannot duck out now.
One connection is super positive, and I am excited. Others are harder ones but no less permanent.
Step By Step
He is moving me places and indicating you are going nowhere so put down roots. Jobhunting step by step. Start a volunteer position tomorrow.
Everything in His timing. Meeting the right people at the right time, the right place. This is how the Lord arranges things when you give Him control of EVERYTHING.
He is the Creator; everything and everyone is His. How much better to work with that than against, right???
Ascending The Mountain
It is a bit lonely where I am spiritually, high on the mountain. Not many up here with me. The mountain paths get harder, narrower, rockier the higher you ascend.
In my home state of Colorado, people regularly ascend fourteeners (those are mountains over 14,000 feet above sea level) for fun and good exercise. You take a sign with you saying what mountain and how high, shoot pics at the summit.
It is nonetheless hard hard work. Rocks and tight places. You have to be agile, athletic, and in good shape to get up one.
The air gets thinner and colder the higher you go. You need sunscreen so you don’t fry; you will burn at higher altitudes. Some ways are almost impassable. You have to push.
You make it up, you feel you have really accomplished something and you have. You took on the mountain and you literally won.
Spiritual life is like this, very much so.
So Here Is The Thing
I am talking to one particular soul. I see you have turned the corner and made the tough choice. You didn’t have to. You wanted to.
I am filling my mind with your battle music. I feel your longing for adventure, to be caught up in the fairy tale. To fight bravely for a cause in tales of old.
I have a secret to tell you. You are in one now. We were in the hallowed halls of theology, and I showed you the secret back door to Heaven. We walked through, looked at the stars. 💖💖💖
You said YES to Jesus, so life then utterly changed because this is what He does. You are now in a tale as epic as any you have ever read.
The stakes are very high. Real lives impacted. Look up and see the narrow, difficult path up. The most difficult, amazing journey you will ever take.
Join me here. I believe in you. And I love you. ❤❤❤ All the old stories wrapped up. Time to start a new one. Ours. ❤
So there you were
In darkness beyond telling
Your three companions fled and lost.
They came for you
You called upon angels
Who never came.
And in whatever horror
You remembered the throne.
Not so long ago
Polished crystal and brass.
I know full well your deeds
And the accusations at my door.
I just don't care.
The people who accuse me
Welcome to think what they wish.
As I testify to truth here only,
The truth is they fled,
But you are here.
Whether your lips lie or not,
You know full well
As once there was an altar
You know was yours
And the only thing that could mean.
Juicy gossip amuses me,
Let the stories be good.
I am no stranger to malice.
I might laugh, even.
I enjoy creating a stir.
No one I care about
Thinks ill of me.
But you came back.
I asked the Lord
To nuke your altar,
It was ungodly after all.
You left it in my house,
What did you expect me to do?
You better take better care
Of any future ones
I might accidentally
Have them blown up too.
Someone must supervise
The woman with nukes.
Guess you signed up
For that job, huh?
I am keeping a brave face to the world, but actually going through so so much.
Recent losses, chiefly Timothy but not him only. Had to quit the freelance writing job I had due to illness. I have a plan with local agencies I am pursuing to get back on my feet.
The system has supported me for 19 years of disability. Therefore I am going through them and not around them. But planning a return to work as I simply cannot survive on SSDI.
Meanwhile, I am basically penniless. I have to submit an invoice that will get me some income, probably use that to pay utilities. There are other local resources.
It may take a bit to do this right, but I need a safe transition back to work so it is successful. The local agencies I have contacted have agreed and are helping me do this.
I get food through food banks at the moment. Praise Jesus there are many. I have food stamps, but $36/month buys very little.
With no family to support me or local friendships that strong, I must support myself. I turned to my family for help in December; they sabotaged me instead and I was nearly evicted.
I have fabulous friends. They have suffered too but they stayed and hung in there. Help when and how they can. They have lives and problems too. Love you all. ❤❤❤
I don’t want this to become more of a commentary on the massively broken social system than it is, so will just share what I did today.
Change Of Course
Something recently happened that was shattering, lifechanging, far worse than the usual crap. One person knows. I am trying to cope with this and new life direction.
Trying to cope with this thing that altered the entire course of my life, new assignment, just trying to survive day to day. Feeling like a failure as I need new clothes; I shrunk out of mine.
I have hair now; I need a haircut. I don’t even own a comb or brush; I didn’t need them as I didn’t have hair.
A Wise Priest Speaks
In this state I showed up to Mass Saturday night. Pants too big, shirt just barely modest as also too big. Hair a mess as not combed or styled. I am doing my best but quietly felt worthless.
The priest was great. I like this guy; I want to get to know him better. He tells the truth, loves the Lord, heart for the people. And he is happy.
Many people claim to serve the Lord who are consistently miserable. We all have struggles, trials, and weaknesses. But if someone claims to be close to Jesus, but is miserable most of the time, as a matter of course, something is wrong.
This happy priest was there to comfort the poor (yay!) and afflict the comfortable (yay also!).
I listened to him talk about, do you have food in your refrigerator? Clothes to wear? Clean tap water? Then you’re lucky. There are children dying due to lack of clean water.
Suddenly I didn’t feel so bad about my clothes or hair. The Lord said, Seren, you HAVE hair. It didn’t used to grow. ❤
How To Love Your Neighbor
In the sermon he comforted the poor, afflicted the comfortable. Yay, I thought, about time someone tells people the Lord requires them to care about others and help them.
As I had almost nothing, I didn’t feel this applied to me.
Until it did.
He said we have to give of what we have. If we have, we have. What are the corporal works of mercy? Some raised their hands, remembering this in childhood Sunday School.
Feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit the sick, etc.. We are to take concrete action to love our neighbor.
“What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them?Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food.If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it?In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” ~ James 2:14-17, NIV.
I don’t have much, but I did have some. There is food in my refrigerator and pantry. There are people who have none at all.
The Lord didn’t exempt me from any of this due to having only a little.
Directed Steps
This morning the Lord said, sleep in. Get to your clinic by 10 AM.
I didn’t know why, had a vague idea of attending a group. I knew I was badly trashed emotionally from everything I have been going through. Group sounded good; I went.
I showed up; clinic was closed because it is President’s Day. As I have been walking with the Lord for some time, I didn’t let this daunt me. Asked for next direction.
Go to the church, pick up an extra rosary, ask about St. Vincent de Paul.
Did so. Because of the delay, because I had been obedient, gone to the clinic at the time specified which was closed, I was standing in the office when a young man walked in.
He needed to do community service, didn’t know where to look. The secretary had none for him, and no suggestions.
But I was there. I was there as I had obediently shown up at the clinic at 10 AM. Found it was closed, so walked to the church. Jesus used all that to get me to the church on time, so I was present when the young man came in.
I did know where he could do community service, sent him somewhere. He thanked me and left.
Path meet, cross, diverge. Nothing is random or coincidence. 😁
Saved By Strangers
Then I was crossing a major, busy street at a crosswalk. I had the walk light, was focused on crossing, and I hear yelling, “Stay back! Stay back!”
I look up, back myself up to the middle island, see this car in the middle of literally turning into where I was, like they were gunning for me personally or something.
Wow, I was a bit shocked. I got across next cycle, with their shouts of encouragement.
I don’t know what those people saw, but it really scared them. They saw me crossing with the walk sign, a car turning literally into the space I was going to occupy, and saved me!
They introduced themselves; the main guy who did it was wearing a rosary. I hugged him and the other lady I was told saved me.
I hugged the guy telling me too. He said, aw I get a hug too? I was just an onlooker. Big smile.
I didn’t find this a coincidence. I didn’t think I was lucky. That is Jesus. Some idiot decided to be stupid and maybe kill Seren today. Jesus had people in place. Thank You, Lord. ❤❤❤
A Man With A Need
On my way home, ran into not the usual homeless person. Out there, dog, lung cancer. I didn’t know his story beyond that but he wasn’t chronically homeless. I saw the fear and sadness in his eyes.
Some poor guy who circumstances brought to the end of his rope. I didn’t have anything for him. I encouraged him and prayed for him. The relief and gratitude in his eyes was palpable.
If You Have, You Have To Give
Feed the hungry; clothe the naked; we are to share. The Lord called me to share what little I did have with this guy. Water and rice for his dog. Make him burritos. Fill up your water bottle. Give it all away; I will supply you with more later.
So that’s what I did.
It took awhile. Go home, feed yourself first. Then make the stuff for him. The Lord directed me through every step.
Packing The Cart
I have a cart I use to get things around I packed with the burritos, rice and water. I left my place. The Lord was, you forgot your rosary, go back and get it. I did.
He asked me to offer the food I made and the gifts I prepared to Him. Please leave the outcome in My hands. If that guy is gone when you get there, trust this isn’t a pointless exercise. You will be blessed no matter what.
He Wasn’t There
He was gone. Yay the Lord helped him. But he wasn’t there. I felt discouraged. Trying not to be attached to the outcome, but my gifts were unwanted.
Offered a burrito to an obvious homeless person across the street. He looked, turned up his nose, walked away.
Discouragement Sets In
The Lord had said write about whatever happened. If no one takes your food, keep it and you will have it. You can’t lose.
But I did feel lost. I felt like I had given up my time and extremely scarce resources, and no one even wanted or appreciated it. I felt a bit gypped as original guy wasn’t there.
I felt like I was pushing a cart with food no one wanted for no reason, why did I even do this? This is crazy; I should have done something more sane than LITERALLY try to feed people!
The Wash
I walked past the wash, convinced I was going home with all my stuff, feeling sad. The Lord had said, if there are homeless people in the wash, offer them your food. If they say no, it’s yours to take home.
There was a guy. I looked down, yelled into the wash. “Are you hungry?”
He didn’t notice at first. Looked up. I called down again, “Are you hungry?”
He looks at me, sees my cart. “Yeah, I’m hungry.”
“I have food if you want some.”
The Encounter
He starts coming up the incline; I had wheeled my cart to the top. I wasn’t going to meet him down there; not safe. He could come to me.
Then two people stepped out of some bushes, a man and woman. I hadn’t seen them previously as they were hiding.
Big smiles. “Yes, we’re hungry.” I started giving them the burritos. The woman accepted my water bottle full of water with a shy smile.
The guy said many blessings were coming my way. They were so grateful.
Then he said, “I am homeless and I haven’t showered for a few days, but can I have a hug?”
“Of course you can,” and I hugged him. Hugged the woman too. I think they were calling me an angel. So emotional, like them, just not paying attention. Huge smiles all around.
I gave them everything except the water I had saved for the dog. They didn’t need it.
Happily turned around. Original guy wanted another burrito. Didn’t understand I didn’t have more. Even picked up my bag and made sure it was empty.
The Lord had sent an angel with burritos and water so he didn’t really get why there wasn’t more. He really didn’t as I was an angel, obviously.
He was disappointed but I sent him after the other two, told him to get more from them. He did.
They were like half feral creatures of the Lord, wild and strange and innocent. The Lord feeds the wild birds and homeless people. ❤
Empty Hands, Full Heart
My cart was mostly empty. My heart was singing. Full of love, peace and joy.
There are much worse ways of dealing with heartbreak, grief, and major trauma than making burritos and feeding the homeless.
Timothy loved to do both; he would have approved. Thought of him the whole time. Carrying on your memory, darling. 💗💗💗
I had been praying my rosary as I do habitually. It was hanging from my hand while I passed out the food. I forgot about it, but the Lord said they noticed. It was all the Gospel they needed.
Treasure In Heaven
I brought my cart home near my apartment. The Lord said, this and not charity balls is how you earn treasure in Heaven.
Those charity balls are needed and vital. Please keep holding them, kindhearted people.
But it can be easy to hang out with your friends for a good cause. Harder to look into the eyes of the needy and hand them food. That is real. It is that kind of personal sacrifice that makes you grow.
Conclusion
So what did I learn?
I learned the Lord directs steps. That I must help others. Me personally, even if I am not given a lot to do that with.
Without me, there would be three hungry thirsty people in the wash. Because I was obedient, I was an angel with burritos.
There’s so many people and problems in the world. Where do you even start?
Because I personally shared what little I did have, three scared people hiding out got dinner and some water too.
Trust me that matters to those three people. I had little. They had nothing.
You are not alone! We are one with each other in Jesus Christ, in the special way unique to us and also just universally both being in Jesus Christ. It is His promise. I love you. Don’t give up. ❤❤❤
“I do not pray for these alone, but also for those who will believe in Me through their word; that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us, that the world may believe You sent Me.” ~ John 17:20-21, NKJV.
See this promise is literally written in the Word!! Christ is your Life; let Him live through you, sustain you.
I love you oh so very much. Praying for you, right now. ❤❤❤
Everyone else, I love you too much to consign you to your fate. I guess you will just have to live with that. 😁😁😁
Jephthah's Daughter 