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Letter From The Other Side

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Last night my world ended. Again.

Unfortunately getting used to this.

We talked into the night. Then you informed me you had decided not to pursue a relationship pretty exclusively based on the fact I am too old for you.

There was literally no other valid reason. No major incompatibilities, no other relationships, no major moral issues. Those will actually sink a marriage.

Just, as you do not fit my fantasy wife checklist, you are disqualified. Also we don’t both live in the same city.

Then you married me off to the fantasy husband you picked for me and wished me adieu.

So here I am, you pulled the age card. It didn’t matter to me, but it mattered enough to you you said done and friend zoned me.

Since you did that I will tell you my age and what I know.

I turn 51 my next birthday. I was married for 20 years before it dissolved due to severe abuse.

Let me tell you about the ex husband, why I married him before he became the evil demon monster he is now.

And also remind you I was married and kept my vows under soul destroying circumstances until the Lord literally said, I don’t want you to die so leave today.

When I married him, he was a wonderful man who would do anything for me. Make any sacrifice, do anything to take care of me.

He was my rock, my shield, my shelter. God with skin on.

When I was weak, he was strong. When I needed anything at all, great or small, he gave it.

I just had a man sacrifice me over lunch money. The ex was someone I could call across state lines, say my car has broken down need a $200 tow and know he would send it. He did.

We waited six years and worked on our crap as we wanted a long and happy marriage. There wasn’t a question of if but when. Obstacles were just stuff to overcome.

The marriage lasted 20 years. If he hadn’t fallen to addictions and abuse at the end, it would still exist.

So tonight I learned you do not have the kind of soul wrenching earthshattering I will do anything at all to be with you love for me necessary to make a marriage succeed.

I therefore think you made a good decision to abort and accept this. Unless you feel that way about someone, you shouldn’t ever get married at all.

My ex and I, our wedding dance was “The Impossible Dream” for all the sacrifices we made to get to dance the wedding dance.

The thing is, you gambled a real woman who loves you away for a stupid reason, in favor of a fantasy ideal.

This may not work longterm. I know a woman who rejected many suitors as they were all not good enough. She is single; she never married or followed her dreams.

If there was an actual other woman and you loved her more, I could see this. Instead, you rejected me, a real person, for the idea in your head of how it ought to be.

The fantasy may never come along. It is crazy what can happen.

In any case, as I said, if you are not willing to fight for me then we shouldn’t do this. Tonight you cared more about my birth certificate year than me.

This tells me what I need to know. Also that if you marry the idea of a person, you will struggle with the real when it doesn’t fit the picture.

You are a good person. I hope you find the one woman who makes your heart sing, who you would hold an umbrella over, the one you would cross the ocean to be with.

The one you would sit on a desert island patiently until she returned.

The one who inspires you to write a book of torrid love poetry and publish it.

The one you absolutely cannot imagine life without her in it.

I have had that kind of love and would have done this for you also.

If you can politely check me off and thank me for my time, however, I am not that person.

If you marry for other reasons, and also don’t make the Lord the center of it all, expect trouble.

Best wishes.

 

 

 

Post Mortem

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So I did something I hadn’t done in a long time.

I went to Mass.

I was joyful. I was sad.

The one I loved, the one I sacrificed myself for, the one I dedicated my life to. Who then inexplicably threw it all away for no apparent reason, don’t think even he knows why he did it.

The one I would have overcome any hurdle for, fought and faced any and all darkness, gone down battling, never give up, never give in.

I don’t know why he committed suicide in the end, when everything was finally working out.

He is the living dead. He is one of those horrible cases where someone attempted suicide; they haven’t died yet, but they can’t be saved. You say goodbye; you say, the doctors can’t save you; there is nothing I can do.

You love them and forgive them, and that cannot save them. It isn’t enough.

In the end, he did what he wanted. Like he said to so many people, so many times. People do what they want.

I sat in Mass. It was a children’s Mass. The gospel was the story of the beheading of John the Baptist, which is a rather interesting and dramatic story.

The priest was addressing children, so he skipped all the stuff adults realize about that. He said instead, that was pretty mean of them to cut off John the Baptist’s head. Why are people mean?

Suddenly no question had ever seemed more relevant. Why ARE people mean?

I did everything for this man. What I asked for was…lunch. I was hungry. I just wanted lunch.

He could have popped over to where I was, and we could have sat in the food court and had Panda Express. Talked like normal people. It would have been fun.

Instead of spending all of $10 on me for lunch maybe, or just even getting me somewhere where I could nosh, he was mean. And then ordered me to leave forever. So I did.

After all I did for him, think I am worth Panda Express. But that is besides the point. He was mean. He ended it all because I wanted lunch and was too scared to ask him for it.

Why are people mean? The priest said, because they don’t have God in their hearts.

It is so simple. So profound. This man above all didn’t have God in his heart, although God sent several rescue squads and three helicopters to try to save him.

There was someone with me today at Mass, someone who hides in the shadows, someone above all struggling to come to the light.

He sat next to me and we talked. Or I did. He mostly listened.

He was struggling with darkness. Repentance.

I said, I am really tired of seeing Jesus nuke people. I don’t think even Jesus likes it. He wanted the happy ending where we went to Panda Express.

But that’s not what happened. People do what they want.

So that guy instead is sitting, spiritually, alone, with everything burnt down around him. No one there to even be mean. No one there at all.

Demons for internal tormentors. He is already in Hell, just a matter of transitioning there. No hope. Alone.

Deep inside himself he dreams of a future that didn’t happen. Me sitting there with that smile and peals of laughter. Entertaining him. Eating shrimp and trying not to let on he actually feels good for once.

The one that didn’t happen. Because he was mean instead.

I said to that someone, I don’t want this fate for you. I am tired of having these conversations. I am tired of goodbye and nothing I can do. I am tired of Jesus doing world ending stuff because people were mean instead of nice.

If you don’t love me enough to do it for me, do it for you. I don’t want you to end up there too.

The someone said, you don’t believe in me.

I thought about this. I said, that guy, I believed in him. I said, you can do it. I believed he could. But in the end he said no.

I said, I have chosen not to bind or compel you, to try to force or manipulate you. I brought you here to the Light so you can decide. But you have to decide. No one can do it for you.

He said, again, you don’t believe in me.

I said, I believe you can do it. If you will.

He had kept his face hidden. He turned to me, a beautiful smile on his face.

I will, he said. And vanished.

I smiled. Fancy that.

My future will be bright. Many irons in the fire. Hope and peace.

And I will bury the dead and cherish their memories. 💗💗💗

 

 

 

Story Of A Soul

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In the end
The most important soul.
I watched for so long
The history.
The highs 
The lows
The drama.
The anger and rages
The cruel decisions
The almost lost life.
I was sent for you
And you alone.
In the end you saw that
And begged and pleaded
And paid the price of freedom.
A steep and terrible price
But freedom.
Last night I took you in.
Said you never had to
Create the horrible monstrosity
And gave you freely
The real thing.
Exchanged my life for yours.
We laughed it was so awesome.
I said once I would die for you.
Maybe I am.
This morning strained out
Your impurities and darkness
Through my pure clean soul.
Invited the Divine in
In my soul they were destroyed
Safe in that harbor.
Months of suffering and tears
Persecution and
Things only we know.
Today saw fruits of all labor.
It was epic. All restored.
Including the beloved soul.
Peace in a body
That had obviously seen war.
The soul who had easily
Been cruel
Fought hard to be kind.
Love for all.
Today the best ever.
Today clean.
Today knowing finally
What to do.
Joy and love abounded
Laughter and acts of kindness.
The rain has come and gone.
I do not believe I will be
There to enjoy
The flowers in the desert
I planted
And watered with tears
And my life blood.
But the garden will grow.
Love you too. 💗

Encore

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Standing.

I cannot let it end like this.

Not much strength of any kind left. Boy I look bad in the video. Real life worse.

With what I have left, I praise Thee O Lord. You were always good to me.

Here You are, as always.

30 Seconds To Midnight

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Here I am.

Something inside me broke this morning. It was a small thing. Just another person being a jerk for no reason.

But it was one too many jerks. One too many people took a random shot for no reason at all.

One too many hypocrites. One too many people too deep in their own stuff to behave like a decent human being.

Too much silence. Too much suffering.

Someone mistreated me for no better reason than they could and chose to, apparently.

I think the Lord has good timing.

 

The Poisonous Culture Of Faith Healing

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Okay, so my blog, my therapy space I am about to blow my top!!!

Get ready for many many unkind words said as kindly as possible as really devastatingly angry over person who meant very well by what she did. Very very very well and I do love her for what she was trying to do. She doesn’t really have internet access much and not directing her here. She meant well and sadly not the only one who has approached me this way.

I am talking FAITH HEALING.

Hello I AM faith healing basically PERSONIFIED. I just did a whole long post explaining why my body shouldn’t be alive at all and is being DIVINELY sustained! The Lord then had to sign my post (that would be the all cap stuff at the end) so those in the know would understand He is the One responsible beyond all doubt.

Nonetheless, I am receiving epic amounts of CRAP from my fellow believers. Everyone is believe/pray/stand on the Word/have faith/God will HEAL you!

And the implication is if you don’t get healed it is your fault because your faith wasn’t strong enough, you didn’t do/believe/pray/get right with Jesus.

This is a HORRIBLE way to treat your brother or sister in Christ. Your brother or sister suffering from serious illness is scared and worried. Telling them to ignore doctors and pray is WRONG.

You are NOT HELPING. IT IS CRUEL!!!!!!!!!!!

It is cruel psychologically. It is cruel emotionally. Dude, let me tell you ALL the ways all y’all are WRONG!!

Has anybody noticed Christians die too? I mean if every Christian gets healed why are there dead Christians? Oh wait, we ALL die!!

Next time you are at a funeral, I DARE you to walk up to the grieving family and assure them if their loved one had just had more faith, God would have healed them.

Please DO go to an oncology ward and assure all those people dying of cancer they will live with sufficient faith! Just pray harder and believe and stand on the Word!!

You will not last long with the family OR the nurses; you will get booted quickly and maybe a boot to the head, and you will richly deserve it too!!

This kind of thinking is based off a fundamental assumption you can force the Lord to behave as you wish. Someone I know called this having an ATM God. It was a biting and brilliant way to describe it.

According to the faith healing/prosperity gospel/word of faith crowd, you speak and God must listen. You pray and God must do. He is bound by His own Word to do this. Get cracking God; I want that Porsche!

That was kinda dumb of God, writing a book He is bound by so humans can control Him. No wonder universe is a mess. Humans running the universe; God must do as they say! He promised!

I don’t want to teach magick here but that philosophy is quintessentially magick. Self-will as opposed to God’s Will. I manipulate the Force (in this case God) to do my own will. I do not submit to His.

The Enemy can actually do some very powerful stuff; I don’t want to scare you with that. I just want to point out that the fundamental difference between magick and the Holy Spirit, the test beyond the Bible test of does the spirit say Jesus came in the flesh, is this:

WHOSE WILL?

The essence of magick is self-will/Enemy’s will. The essence of true prayer is the Lord’s Will.

I really submit if you are using the Bible/word of faith/what have you to attempt to force the Lord into a certain action YOU will, you are actually practicing magick!

Unfortunately there are many very kind, sincere people who genuinely love the Lord and doing their level best who fall into this trap.

The Lord showed me this trap so I didn’t fall in and take everyone with me. The trap was: I believe one of these people assuring me I would be Enoch, live forever, the Lord takes me, or Elijah going to Heaven in a chariot of fire.

I then go on about how the Lord is going to heal me; take everyone with me. Convince everyone I really will live forever.

And then die.

Everyone who has been praying for my healing, believed for it, reassured by me and others it will happen, then gets confronted with my death. We all prayed and believed and stood on the Word and Seren DIED.

She is in a grave; she’s dead; You promised to heal her, Lord!!

With the resultant loss of faith and hard feelings. Loss of faith in my own testimony as I died. Above all loss of faith in the Lord Who failed everyone, didn’t keep His Word.

I have been those places many many times, and had harsh things to say to Jesus more than once when I thought He failed me or deceived me. I have YELLED at Jesus literally! Those are very difficult places to come back from also.

The Lord showed me people would with great love and sincerity try to get me to go down that path and showed me where it led. I am dead and everyone falls.

Nuh uh, not going there. I speak truth to the best of my ability.

A friend is helping me make a video that will make the truth quite plain and unmistakable. I was working on this when Miss Otherwise Helpful Christian chirps about God’s healing and stand on the Word and blah blah blah.

She really is in general a Godly, encouraging, strong sister who doesn’t know my full condition. But she pretty much said God promises healing therefore He always heals. And He patently does NOT, as everyone dies! Even Jesus Himself did!

She was trying to help, but I cut her off as kindly as possible and appreciated her for the attempt. But it led to this post.

And the conclusion is GOD IS SOVEREIGN.

What that means is He runs the universe, not you. He doesn’t just heal; He kills. Yes, Who do you think takes life? The Bible says the One with the keys to Hades and Death is Jesus Himself. So every time a human being dies, the Lord was involved in it.

If anyone else does that, murder unless war, law enforcement, self defense, that sort of thing. The Lord gets to do as He wishes when He wishes how He wishes. Or not. It is is HIS universe and He gets to do what He wants with it.

The local cemetery near where I lived in Wheat Ridge had a place called Tower of Memories. It was a mausoleum housing about 3K dead bodies or so.

As it was a Protestant cemetery, presumably ALL dead Christians. Or at least some.

That was just the mausoleum; it contained lots more corpses outside; it was about a mile square roughly. One of the biggest cemeteries I have ever seen.

So lots and lots of dead Christians. This proves Christians die and therefore are not always healed regardless of all those Bible promises about healing.

Please let me conduct my affairs as I see fit, and do NOT give me the just believe and you will be healed song and dance, or I will probably lose my crap all over you.

Thank you.