Tag: death

Seren Needs To Stop Wishing To Die

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A lot can happen in 24 hours.

Judging Former Friends

I wrote the last post and this honestly killed me. I am sure the people it was about, I am Number 1 on their personal bad list now, but I was directed to do all I did. I didn’t want to post it, was more than happy to be wrong if it was wrong, asked the Lord do I need to take it down, did NOT want to write those words.

I wish what I could post is some kind of profuse apology and delete the post; I understand we can’t be friends now but an apology.

I simply cannot. It is true, and then I got to see what happened. Made to see, more like it, as I didn’t want to watch.

The Lord pointed out, this distresses you; you are sad, you never wanted this. This means you are not vengeful, so what you wrote isn’t you pronouncing a curse.

If I had been egging Him on, yeah you go Lord, then I would have also drawn judgment on myself. This is not the type of thing the Lord takes delight in. In this case, He gave these people literal months to realize what the truth was and what He wanted.

They like so many chose what they wanted. I got to see the sad, terrible, horrifying results with future implications.

The Lord Answers Prayer According To HIS Will

Prayers to the Lord intended to break my words were used by Him to fulfill them instead.

Prayer isn’t magick; God listens or not. And then does as He wishes. Any harm wished on me fell on those people five times what was wished for me.

I am revealing this as even now He wishes to be merciful. And warn about the consequences of proceeding along current lines.

But why did He make me watch? To show me you are never too big to fall. You can appear successful great walk important inspiring. You can be truly anointed and used by Him.

And still fall badly and do stuff that then has serious and lasting consequences.

To show me, although my life will be relatively brief, He has zero issues judging me also if I seriously stray. That I will surely go down myself if at any point in time I choose my will over His.

He didn’t take pleasure in any of it. Neither did I. Awful sad day.

Seren Loses Her Temper

I proved how human I was by then failing. Ranted a little on Facebook and just lost it on a friends group. Lost my temper and never do.

I have been going through so much anyway; I was so emotional and sad. A friend took my call. She understands world ending anger like mine. Mine is a product of 50 years of abuse from many and not much can be done to remove it.

She understands when I get going, I will pull metaphorical explosives out of my metaphorical closet, and metaphorically burn someone’s house down, enjoy the flames and fireworks. Be sorry later but no problems at the time.

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I have a powerful will and have terrified people with it. My friend just said, try not to burn any bridges.

She listened to me and helped me calm down. I later apologized to friend group. All was well as they are real friends. Those people are very very dear and so grateful for all of them. ❤

Fire Falls, Consumes Everything

Then took a nap. I lay there and gave all to the Lord. Three times. The first time I saw fire. I felt weird and odd and scared. What is going on?

Repeated consecration to the Lord twice more. He said stop there, three is a sacred number. You have conclusively demonstrated will and intent.

It was pretty clear powerful forces were operating on me. Saw more fire. Praise the Lord had praise and worship music going. Still felt weird and odd and scared, what is happening to me??

Experience grew more intense. I reacted to my panic by seeking the Lord more deeply. I confessed, forgave, begged the Lord to remove anything between us. Asked Him to fill me with His Love, peace, grace and Holy Spirit. Nothing more important than being right with You, Lord.

Towards the end I lay there knowing real, powerful stuff was happening, not sure what was going on, was this it? Was I going to die? Why not at peace? Why am I scared?

I felt more empty inside as stuff was removed. I responded by focusing more intensely on Jesus as the only reality.

A praise song came on and I decided that, regardless of what the Lord thought, I was going to go out praising Him if indeed I was going out. I joined my will and heart to the song, and just praised the Lord.

And then the breakthrough came. Incredible clean joy and peace. Bubbling over happiness. A sense that I had been utterly transformed, that the fire had consumed and cleansed me.

The forces lifted. The Lord told me to call my brother and tell him what happened.

He knew what happened without me telling him. He took a nap at the same time, and had a vision of himself in the throne room of the Lord.

Among whatever else he discussed in this audience with God, he had questions about me.

He wanted to know if the Lord was indeed behind the blog, and the Lord replied yes, He was.

But He had an important word of correction for me. His literal words are the title of this post.

Seren needs to stop wishing to die.

The Lord communicated that, despite me being otherwise right with Him, if I didn’t repent, when I died I would not end up in His presence.

That SERIOUSLY got my attention. Michael said the Lord wasn’t mad at me at all, but I need to fix this.

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Death Wish

To clarify, my best understanding is that the Lord ISN’T upset with me reporting the medical situation or even what I think the likely results are. He hasn’t contradicted anything He Himself said either.

What He utterly stomped on is all the talk about dying. That Christ is my life; speak about that. My body will eventually die; yours will too. It is irrelevant.

Christ is my life regardless of the condition of my body. I need to talk about being alive in Christ and not speak death over myself by constantly talking about dying.

Dead Bodies Are Great In CSI

My body will ultimately end up vacated and bug food regardless of what I do or don’t do, however long that is. Yours too. Death happens to literally everyone.

Jesus died, even. He didn’t reuse His body, as it was destroyed. It was buried with respect and lay inert in a grave.

When He rose, He came back in an obviously regenerated body with frankly supernatural abilities.

Your Body Isn’t You

I have like just about everyone been to funerals. Have NEVER liked viewing the body of the deceased.

The last one I was at, I looked at the body and rejected it as being my dear beloved friend. It looked like a horrible cold pale bad imitation of him.

I saw my friend in the stuff they gathered for his Celebration of Life. He lived on truly in the objects and photos that represented his spirit.

Dead bodies need to be treated with the respect due the person whose bodies they were, but they are ultimately a waste product.

They are not in any way that person.

When You Speak Death Over Yourself, However, It Impacts Your Body

I found this on Facebook as a memory. Think it is a great example of the results of speaking death over yourself.

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I honestly believe my body is in the condition it is because of all the death I and others spoke over it.

All the abuse, unkindness, neglect of any kind cursed it. 50 years of that is why I have issues more commonly seen in the elderly.

Due to abuse, developed a death wish.

But then I voluntarily reinforced it. Three suicide attempts, many many hospitalizations, things I will not discuss.

In the last five years body started majorly hitting the skids and cropped up with tons of health issues.

My friend was talking about it all. Seems like you were always dying of something, she said. Why couldn’t you just live? It was stressful.

I am reporting what she said as she nailed it.

Decision after decision whole life focused on how can I end it? How do I die soonest and blow this popsicle joint?

Fulfilling A Death Wish Is Suicide

It is THIS the Lord is saying REPENT of. I am not gonna be your executioner, Seren. I will not sign off on and approve of your suicide by whatever means.

If you persist in speaking death over yourself and focusing on it, and thereby bring it about yourself, that IS a form of suicide. So you will not end up with Me in that circumstance.

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Christ My Life

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?” ~ John 11:25-26, NKJV.

A Moral Life Will Not Save You

An ex Satanist once told me about a subsect of Satanism in which adherents are instructed to live very moral lives.

The purpose is to make Christians look bad. I am serious. The world is supposed to look at Christians getting drunk and laid Saturday night and showing up to church hungover, then compare with the sect members living apparently good lives.

The world is a lot more likely to follow the people living the apparently good, moral lives and reject the hypocritical Christians. So they then get interested in Satanism. The trap shuts.

An acquaintance was talking about a major TV psychic and unable to comprehend how he could be doing the Enemy’s work. He was so nice, she said over and over.

Christian Doing, Christian Busyness

If someone does escape the Enemy’s clutches and ends up in the sheepfold, all is not lost. Still plenty of ways to bring them down, in the Enemy’s thinking.

The Gifts Of The Spirit

I am not talking about Galatians 5:22-23, which refers to the FRUITS of the Spirit. Fruit takes time to grow.

I am talking spiritual manifestations which happen regularly in certain churches. Faith healing, being “slain in the Spirit”, casting out demons, prophecy, etc. are common examples.

These are real valid things the Spirit of the Lord does. They can also many times be counterfeited by the Enemy, so caution and discernment are needed if you participate in any of this.

Churches do go completely off the rails over emphasizing spiritual manifestations in their services and practices. Bethel Church in Redding CA teaches, among other things, it is ALWAYS God’s Will to heal, and recommends lying on graves to “get that person’s anointing” in a practice they call “gravesucking“.

This is MASSIVELY OCCULT. Don’t do this yourself!

Another famous example is Benny Hinn, who raked in millions and lived a famously lavish lifestyle promoting faith healing and the prosperity gospel. Even he is recanting to some degree; perhaps the IRS raid on his offices was persuasive in this?

Bible Knowledge Can Be A Trap

It is good and utterly necessary to read, study and memorize the Word. It is key for a healthy Christian life. Most people don’t read the Word ENOUGH.

There is, however, the ivory tower trap. There are Christians who learn so much it feeds their egos and they operate from there. If someone is excessively into correct translations, Greek, Hebrew, and arguing theology, they probably are in an ivory tower and not anywhere near Christ.

Which is the whole point.

The Do Gooder

In general, we need LOTS more people doing good. People are happy binging Netflix, playing video games, go to work come home leave me alone.

But to someone who subconsciously assumes good works will save them, you can end up with a faithful churchgoer doing lots of volunteer work and helping people.

The difference between the do gooder and the faithful believer is the do gooder generally has a secret life at odds with their public one. Since they are doing good deeds out of self will, the self will express itself in bad behavior somehow.

I am thinking of people with really bad home lives, secret abusers, people involved in all kinds of immoral and sometimes illegal behavior. When their sins come to light, many fall.

This is so common most people just assume Christians are all hypocrites. They then look elsewhere for spiritual nourishment. This is an Enemy win.

I Am Depressed Reading This. Who Can Be Saved?

Basically what all that has in common is everyone in the above categories is operating out of self will. As long as you operate out of self, results will be the same whether your deeds are seemingly good or apparently bad.

You will live a difficult life and end up perishing eternally. This is the only possible end of a life lived in self will.

Yeah that is TERRIBLE. God thought so too.

So He sent His Son Jesus Christ to pay the price of your sins so you could be with Him forever.

Just accept Jesus, let Him run you and your life, and peace, happiness and eternal life are yours.

The key is Christ life. The key is Christ living in you, living His life through you. Christ is Life and its Source. He is the only Savior. Everything else is death.

I have more to say but think need to continue in another post.

If you want Jesus Christ to be your life, live His life through you, please pray with me:

Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your salvation in Your Son, Jesus Christ, Who is fully God and fully human. I believe He came in the flesh, died for my sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day. I now accept Him as my personal Lord and Savior. I praise You for this wonderful gift! In Jesus’ Name Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Is Seren Really Going To Die, Lord?

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Heavenly Father, as I have prayed previously, I ask before the world only Your Word and truth be proclaimed in this post. Only Your will be done and no one else’s. I humbly ask this in Jesus’ Name, Amen.

So I am writing because I went before the Lord and said, am I really dying?

It is a good question. I factually have several very serious medical conditions. There are different approaches to forecasting the results of those. But regardless of what man determines, the Lord trumps all.

He is the Lord of healing. He is the Lord of resurrection. Dead bodies are no problem; He can bring those back to life!

Jesus Christ Has The Keys Of Hell And Death

He also solely determines when life ends, and is involved in every death. In the following quote, the Lord Jesus Christ is speaking to the Apostle John in the Book of Revelation.

“…Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death.” ~ Revelation 1:17-18, NKJV.

This quite literally means Jesus Christ has the power over Death and determines who goes to Hell. He does the latter in His role as judge over the living and the dead.

Jesus Christ Is Life And The Source Of All Life

This is the real point of my post and what the Lord showed me. He took me to Psalm 31 and asked me to write about it.

But before He would give me a single word, He made me accept that I am dying.

The medical conditions I have are very very real and very serious.

Regardless, He could cure them if He wished. Resurrection also isn’t an issue for Him or entirely remaking bodies from dried up, useless bones (Ezekiel 37).

He can seriously do anything He wishes; He is the Lord. No situation is too far gone for the most part, and the exceptions to this are clearly spelled out in His Word (blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and taking the mark of the Beast come immediately to mind).

Jesus Can Raise The Dead

I want to emphasize the condition of a body is no obstacle to the Lord, as demonstrated by the story of the resurrection of Lazarus. (John 11).

Basically, the Lord found out His friend Lazarus was sick. He hung out where He was for two extra days after He received the news, then journeyed to Lazarus’ house. This took awhile, and by the time He got there Lazarus had been dead four days.

The body was juicy, y’all. It was not hygienically stored in a fridge; it was lying in a cave. It had therefore been rotting for a bit, and Martha, in particular, objected that “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” (John 11:39).

That was the point, honestly. Jesus stayed where He was two extra days so Lazarus WOULD die. Then it took awhile to get to Lazarus’ house, as He was a decent distance (roughly 20 miles) away, so more time passed. This is so the body had time to decompose. Why? To prove a point!!

Jesus had already given the answer to the pop quiz that was the resurrection of Lazarus. He is good like that; He wants us to have the answers so we can pass the tests He gives.

 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies, and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” ~ John 11:25-26, NASB.

And then Jesus proved this was true by raising Lazarus from the dead!

“Now when He had said these things, He cried with a loud voice, “Lazarus come forth!” And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with graveclothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Loose him, and let him go.” ~ John 11:43-44, NKJV.

The Bible doesn’t say “and the dead body came forth.” Jesus didn’t make a zombie. He raised Lazarus; Lazarus in his own now completely restored body came forth, bound in graveclothes, and just needed to be unbound to go back to living his life!

This little incident led directly to Jesus’ crucifixion and death (John 11:47-53), which we KNOW happened, so yeah, this is all very real! And had some very serious consequences for Jesus, too.

Clearly If Jesus Can Restore Life To A Dead, Rotting Body, He Can Heal My Body!

Clearly. So it just then boils down to: will He?

Medical conditions, however serious, not an obstacle. Actual physical decomposition, not an obstacle. Bones so dry and weathered they’re only good for ART projects, no problem! He can and will do WHATEVER He wants.

Jesus ALONE determines life and death. He IS Life itself; He ALONE has the keys of Death!

I believe He has said to me, no, not this time. For you, Seren, it is time to rest.

And this is the answer no one wants to hear. Including me.

Nothing Bad Will Happen

I just saw an ad on PureFlix for a movie about a young Amish woman who travels to another community and finds love. Dang, I want all that.

I want to see the ocean. I want to eat good meals with loved ones. I want to travel.

I want to sit on the beach in the Bahamas and let the sun warm my skin, and blog about it.

Life is precious; I want more of it. I could do so much. I am not ready for it to be over.

Judging on reactions I am getting, nobody is.

How this is actually going down is, I get up daily and talk about this stuff. Then talk to my beloved friends, my brothers and sisters and Christ. Everyone is carrying on exactly as if nothing unusual is happening.

Maybe if we all pretend hard enough everything is fine, nothing bad will happen!

Life will unroll day after precious day, we will all stay in denial and hopefully the Damocles sword will never drop. If we all stick our fingers in our ears and sing fa-la-la the golden days will turn into years and nothing bad will happen.

A couple people thought they got crazy messages from God; you will be healed, everything will be fine! One thought I was gonna go visit him even.

There are more sober skeptics. But the general attitude is we really want you to be wrong. Only my enemies want me dead.

Jesus Gets The Glory Regardless

I think everyone would be super happy if I could honestly report the Lord cured me of all the conditions the hospital reported finding. Or could just report that, against all odds, I continue to survive although my body is horribly broken.

This is NOT what He has led me to believe will happen, however.

Remember, Jesus is Life, the Source of Life, and alone has power over Death. So whatever He says goes. For me. For you. For everyone.

I believe He has decreed eternal rest for me, and this is what responsible servants of His I trust have discerned also.

Why???

I am in the unique position of knowing my death is coming and reporting on stuff as I go. And therefore able to ask and answer questions as to why this is happening, which I am sure more than one person has asked.

The Lord took me to Psalm 31. This jumped out at me.

“Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, yes my soul and my body! For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.” ~ Psalm 31:9-10, NKJV.

What this says to me is things like grief and sorrow and emotional suffering spend your life, consume your years, affect your actual body. Your very bones waste away.

Well, have had all that in spades.

I Need To Rest

I am very very very tired. The spirit is willing but the body has HAD it.

The Lord is not the Lord of workaholism; He created the Sabbath so man would be forced to rest one day a week. He is the Lord of Sabbath rest.

He Himself rested after His work of creation (Genesis 2:1-3).

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And that is the je ne sais quoi in this situation. I am very very tired and need to rest.

That is really the bottom line. I need to rest. I cannot live this way forever; He literally won’t allow it.

As Far As I Know, I Am Going To Die

My body has said ENOUGH! and is breaking down. Jesus could keep fixing it, but it would probably try to break down more.

I could go for lots of treatment; panic in general, insist on all the care possible for every disease. I have opted to go like this instead. I will honestly likely live longer that way.

So I don’t know how long. I really really don’t. I just know life is short.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Even Stars Die

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Dear Lord Jesus, You didn’t take long to answer. I scarcely finished speaking and got invited to an online Bible study.

It is super great You have brought people to the blog, Lord. Please do continue to bring everyone here You want to read my words. The more the merrier. All are welcome.

But ultimately this is a You and me thing. This is a place where I get my feelings out and work through my final days. Because these ARE my final days.

This is what You had to say, and my job just to report on what You are doing and saying, as You have called me to be Your witness.

Rest, My Child

You had a hard Word for me, Lord. You said, your labors are at an end. Time to rest.

To the other people at the Bible study, it was about the importance of resting. You anticipated workaholics so created the Sabbath and hallowed it.

Man needs to be made to rest, so You created a day of rest and commanded it be observed. Not for You; for us. Because You anticipated burnout and all the problems of the modern era.

For me it was, your body is at replacement stage and you know this. So you are done and I am commanding eternal rest for you.

I didn’t want to hear this. Fortunately, You are faithful so the Bible study continued.

Sermons Aren’t Random

If you manage to get to a church service live or online, that is a Divine appointment.

Yes churches have problems; I have seen them all by now. But He uses even the WORST ones. He really does!

The pastor has Divine authority. Take the preaching seriously. It might be wrong somehow, but the Lord let it be proclaimed.

So He had a reason for that, and some reason for getting you to that particular service.

Surrender Is The Key

What You showed me (at this GOOD church Bible study) and continue to show me is: it is all about SURRENDER. My will or Yours? What will it be?

Beware The Wolves!

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There are wolves dressed in sheep’s clothing leading ministries and churches. They look and sound godly, but they are serving poison! Don’t drink the Koolaid!

I am NOT talking about your brother or sister struggling with issues. Help him or her, pray for them, rescue them. You will need rescued yourself someday!

The wolves KNOW they are wolves and do what they do knowingly and deliberately. Those MUST be avoided and resisted!

Self Will Vs. God’s Will

The Bible says you shall know them by their fruit. Their guiding principle is SELF WILL so they will grow and bear the fruits of self will.

The Bible calls these poisonous fruits “the acts of the flesh” and lists them.

“The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” ~ Galatians 5:19-21, NIV.

Conversely, a true believer has the Holy Spirit as their OS (Operating System). Yes, the difference between success and failure in the Christian life is: are YOU your OS or is the Holy Spirit your OS???

The Holy Spirit, or GOD’S WILL, being the guiding principle of a believer can be discerned by that person’s behavior. Here is what the Bible says to look for.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” ~ Galatians 5:21-23, NIV.

Wolves obviously deliberately hide their true nature. Sometimes it can take time for the truth to surface. But it inevitably does.

The Three Areas To Surrender

I totally got all this from the Bible study and credit the pastor for his ideas. I am doing a blog post about his study. Thank you for your faithfulness in preaching, dear brother.

Sin

And that is where everyone stops reading haha. Oh boy I have to CHANGE. What did you just feel very uncomfortable about? You might need to do something about that.

We are ALL sinners. Nobody is perfect! Everyone is in exactly the same boat; I don’t care how good they look. The Lord sees the heart!

My sins were and are struggling with fear, doubt, worry, sadness and DENIAL. Denial is a big issue: it is my favorite defense mechanism and causes a LOT of problems.

I am constantly confessing those and asking the Lord to fix/remove them. Have made tremendous progress as a result, but NOT perfect and will not be while alive.

Self

The Lord hit me hard with this one. My SELF wants to live on in my body, and this is natural. I just want my body to go on and on like the Energizer Bunny. Just keep replacing the batteries, the mechanical parts, anything needing replaced.

My body can live forever!

Truth is the bunnies in those commercials are probably scrapped somewhere. Also multiple ones were likely made due to mechanical breakdowns.

That is the reality of all physical objects. Even stars die, Anakin.

The Tragic Tale Of Anakin Skywalker

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Base image © Lucasfilms, modified by me.

Darth Vader HAPPENED as he couldn’t accept Padme’s approaching death. Anakin took matters into his own hands to save her; self will ruled him.

Instead of saving her, he became Darth Vader and personally brought her death about, as well as largely destroyed himself. Yes, in trying to AVOID her death, he ACHIEVED it.

She likely would be alive if he had just surrendered, accepted, and did his job!

Star Wars is FICTION but accurately describes the results of pursuing self will!

Death Is The Inevitable Result of Birth

My body will die and all are in denial. I will not die, meaning my soul. I will live on, go to Heaven, and get a new body someday.

People are acting like this is some special circumstance instead of something that will ultimately happen to ALL of them too!

I cannot believe I have to point out cemeteries are full of bodies that belonged to Christians. Clearly God DOESN’T heal everyone.

People Go A Little Crazy When Death Is Involved

It isn’t confined to Christians. Nederland, Colorado, USA has an annual festival celebrating the fact some guy had his body put on ice in hopes he could eventually reuse it someday.

It is called “Frozen Dead Guy Days” and they drink beer, dress in costumes, throw a parade, and party for a few days. Every year.

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Image by rickpawl.

That body is good for nothing. It is possibly stew meat for cannibals, is probably degraded beyond scientific use, is badly frozen according to locals, and probably smells horrible.

But they pay for its upkeep and throw an annual festival around it. Because people are irrational when death is involved. And it’s a good excuse for a party.

Also see Irish wakes for that one.

Rambling So Not Dealing With Your Point, Lord

My body is going kaput. Uncertain when but this is a happening thing. I have abundantly explained why in various entries here.

For me, crucifying self is accepting this.

Not looking for a miracle cure. Already miraculously alive. Even the Lord only repairs/replaces to a certain point. He said it is time to rest so it is.

My soul continues to be strong and getting stronger. Like I do not even understand what the Lord transformed me into, but praise the Lord for His amazing, wonderful work!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” ~ Psalm 139:14, NIV.

EVERYTHING I do, unless it is a result of sin/self will, is done by Him through me. The writing, the art, photos, the video my friend helped with. Here, Facebook, LinkedIn, DA.

The Lord is throwing a Celebration of Life for me and inviting who He wants to come. If you are reading this, you made the invite list!

Stuff

This honestly isn’t much of an issue for me due to my radical life experiences. Most people are enslaved by their money and possessions.

Not surrendering your stuff to God, therefore, will make it available for enemy use. You will fight a lot of battles over money and possessions.

Almost everyone struggles in this area.

Conclusion

This is a process for me and I think everyone else too. The Lord is using the process of my death to teach fundamental truths about life.

Thanks to Pastor Ron of Kingdom of Hearts for the Bible study that inspired this post! You can find it here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Don’t Know How To Be Vulnerable

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So I kinda started this as a little death diary for friends and it has gone a bit nuts.

I figured I would quietly rail away at life in a corner. I started a campfire, toasted marshmallows.

People showed up wanting s’mores so passed them out, told stories.

Now have an actual audience. I don’t believe in SEO anything as have never needed it. Google listing in two days!!

I hang out on LinkedIn and teach basic spiritual principles and how they apply to business. People are actually listening over there too.

I am so busy tonight I forgot about dying and went into denial.

Haha the video I must be smoking something. None of that is real. Maybe I am being reactionary.

Except it is real. It is ALL real. I didn’t quote from the results the hospital gave me. I didn’t photograph the actual paperwork for the video.

But those are the real diagnoses, so the conclusions are valid ones also.

The Lord obviously is arranging every last detail of my life as usual. I am getting some pushback as my friends try to cope.

But my inbox would be flooded with messages of hope if there were any. My friend would have flat out refused to help make the video.

The Lord is gracious and corrects sincere mistakes. This is no mistake.

So because I am me, what is actually happening is I am helping all my friends come to terms with my upcoming departure.

They are having various issues and I am mostly okay. This is not the normal situation!

I went to the Lord tonight upset about this. I said, why am I not lying comfortably in a bed slowly passing? Why do I not have people surrounding me singing Kumbayah?

He said, “Do you really need help right now?”

“No, Lord, I am basically okay.”

He said, “Do they need help?”

“Yes, Lord, they do.”

“Okay then.” And that was that.

I have really really never gotten this and started this blog to figure out why I am Jephthah’s Daughter! The girl who was happy her dad came home, greeted him dancing and singing.

For that, she ended up on an altar. People find it hard to believe she was a human sacrifice, but the plain meaning of the text is she was.

It wasn’t her fault. She was just happy her father came home, just coming out to greet him to show him how much she loved him.

It wasn’t her fault he swore this terrible rash vow to the Lord. It honestly wasn’t the Lord’s fault. It was solely Jephthah’s.

He was a complete idiot. Because of his sheer stupidity, she ended up a burnt sacrifice instead of whatever life she had planned.

I have largely spent my 4+ years of life loving and helping others, but learning the depths of human evil and selfishness in responses received.

I am rather expert in demonology. I know far too much about Satanists and the occult.

I learned so much about drugs and crime from people into that; I was able to spot a crime ring that moved into my old neighborhood.

I have an exhaustive mental health/abuse history. There is very little I cannot discuss with authority.

I can spot and analyze bad behavior patterns and lies from miles away. I would be a great and accurate profiler.

So I therefore am at ease with a potential killer on a bus. I know what to do with him.

I wouldn’t have the faintest idea how to relate to a real loving family. I don’t understand love, mercy or kindness as I usually don’t receive them.

I did acquire some great friends at the end of my life who do show me love, mercy, and kindness. I have far more than I thought and grateful.

But the rest of the world continues to crap on me like normal.

Maybe someone could help if I let them. I won’t let anyone help me but Jesus as pretty much everyone else failed me at some point.

In the meantime, what this has made me…wow I honestly don’t even understand myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Training In Death’s Dojo

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So I have a definite science bent. I am fascinated with the process of dying. Looked it up, what are the typical symptoms, where am I in the process.

Death Is A Process

As most people are massively freaking out and I alone am somewhat objective about it, will just say yes what I am going through matches descriptions of what happens during the dying process.

I will say to my surprise people do not just keel over. You can start the process of dying and live for weeks or even months.

The active death phase can take up to three days!

This timeframe generally applies to death from illness, like what is happening to me. A bullet to the brain or sudden cardiac arrest will take you out rather fast.

I See Dead People

I also noticed that the articles (mostly on hospice sites) talked about visions/hallucinations/delusions. Claims of talking to deceased people and whatnot.

The general advice is pat the dying person on the head and put on their favorite music. Good recommendation on the music. Now have it going all the time.

Above all, these articles say, do not disbelieve the dying person. This will upset them, and it happens to so many it is considered a normal death experience.

But the overall attitude is this is weird, unexplainable phenomena. It isn’t, will talk more about that in a bit.

Hospices Are Kind Places

Hospice care is basically whatever care is needed to ensure calm and comfortable so the patient passes peacefully.

Ironically I volunteered at two hospices, even worked in medical records.

Amusingly, patients didn’t die; they were discharged. In the case they lived or moved to another hospice, that was called a live discharge.

Everyone deals with stuff in their own way. That is why people use euphemisms; it distances them emotionally from hard realities.

Hospices always attracted me; end of life care attracted me. I follow the Confessions of a Funeral Director guy on Facebook. Bought his book too.

Facing My Own Death

I had to go through training to volunteer at the second hospice. (The first one I played piano for so no training required.) An essential part of that training was facing and accepting my own mortality.

I had to write about matters related to my own death, face any feelings about that. Maybe that is part of how ok I am with it now.

Above and beyond any training I have faced and cheated death so many times a little surprised Death will finally win a match.

Playing Mortal Kombat With Death

There have been crucial spiritual battles I consider life-threatening. More than I will recount.

But there were also three suicide attempts, two of which landed me in ICU. Emergency gallbladder surgery that nearly ended in sepsis. Sepsis is basically multiple organ failure due to massive infection.

I also had cellulitis with bacteremia. Praise the Lord the antibiotics worked. The CDC was consulted on that one and they considered amputation!

Oh I guess I did have sepsis, but as they didn’t want me to massively panic they called it bacteremia. Woo, almost died pretty literally.

There are other incidents too I cannot discuss. Not to mention all the hospitalizations over suicidal ideations too numerous to mention.

So Death a familiar sparring partner, spent years training in his dojo. Learned unique and difficult lessons there.

Death Is Primarily Spiritual

Common symptoms of death, according to hospice literature, are:

  • Visions/delusions/hallucinations.
  • Claims of speaking with deceased people.
  • Agitation.
  • Anxiety.

Science has gone to a tremendous amount of trouble to deny the existence of the spirit world. So what I attribute all this is to the spiritual component of death.

Hospices acknowledge there is one but speak of it in the most general terms. As they serve all, they have to accommodate all spiritual beliefs or lack thereof. So this is sensible.

I believe completely in Jesus Christ Who literally keeps me alive. So I assert these “symptoms” are the natural consequences of dying and being utterly unprepared for this.

What Is Out There In The Great Beyond?

The spirit world is quite real. All this activity happens to a soul waking up to final realities and oh crap what do I do now???

Dying can be painful. Most people in hospice suffer minimal pain, so something else must be causing all that upset and anxiety.

The visions are quite real. Speaking to an apparently deceased person means the dying person has contacted a spirit. Of course it upsets them if you disbelieve as this is the truth!

Preparation For Death Is Essentially Spiritual

All the meds and treatment given in hospice care are to keep the patient calm and comfortable. The dying soul has tough work to do, and every soul does this work differently.

Hospices say spiritual health at this juncture consists of doing the following:

  1. Forgiving those who have harmed you.
  2. Seeking forgiveness from those you have harmed.
  3. Expressing gratitude for good things.
  4. Expressing love towards loved ones.
  5. Tell people goodbye.

I am taking notes from the experts and doing this. But this is spiritual work!

I will accept expert opinion that probably people who do these have easier deaths than those who don’t.

Tug Of War

I utterly believe your soul is in a lifelong tug of war between the Lord Jesus Christ and Satan, Good and the inferior Evil. You will end up in one camp or the other regardless of what you thought in life.

The agitation/visions/etc. are from finding out this is reality you weren’t prepared for, and frantically trying to cope last minute.

I am so happy and at peace people find this remarkable. This is because I am well prepared spiritually.

Jesus Christ Holds The Keys Of Hell And Death

“I am he that liveth, and was dead; and, behold, I am alive for evermore, Amen; and have the keys of hell and of death.” ~ Revelation 1:18, KJV.

I believe in Jesus Christ. He came in the flesh and is my personal Lord and Savior. I love Him beyond life.

He loves me back! He died for me; He is always there for me, and has granted many favors and graces besides.

If you would like a life full of joy and a peaceful happy death, please pray with me:

Heavenly Father, thank You for Your gift of salvation. I admit I am a sinner in need of Your salvation. I believe and accept your Son Jesus Christ, Who is fully God and fully human, came in the flesh, died for my sins, was buried and was raised from the dead. I invite Him into my heart to be my personal Lord and Savior. Thank You for loving me enough to save me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

I Prayed The Prayer, What Do I Do Now?

These are good churches that will get you started on your new walk with the Lord.

Victory Worship Center, Tucson, Arizona, USA.

The River Church, Salem, Oregon, USA.

Life.Church (online ministry).

The Lord Jesus Christ abundantly bless you all! ❤❤❤

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why I Am Dying At 50

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So I prepared this for maybe publication, and the plan was totally to publish a version at some point. Every word true.

Survivor of severe childhood trauma. Physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, religious. Object of Munchausen’s by proxy.

Genius overachiever who pulled high grades and got tired of winning awards.

Developed case of multiple personality disorder as diagnosed by a psychiatrist years later.

Was possessed in 8th grade; exorcism occurred through prayers by high school youth director in early sophomore year.

Had concert of own compositions at age 14; was spotlighted in cable show that did feature on me.

Played Mary Poppins in 7th grade and was on TV.

In newspaper many times. Grew up performing in nursing homes; was in the USO.

Went to college on half tuition scholarship. Something happened and meltdown; memories came to light.

Ended up in rehab in Tucson although no addictions.

They met my family and lied to have me sent to California. Ended up in halfway house.

Got job as legal secretary and moved out.

Ended up in cult Al-Anon group and then Christian cult that is online as the Assembly.

Early attendance at Calvary Chapel and met Chuck Smith.

Was in Christian cult 3.5 years; classic cult rescue as roommates sent me on airplane back to parents.

Hooked up with man I married, met him in high school youth group at age 15.

Twenties were crazy: lots of job losses, homelessness, got raped in a Christian boarding house.

Also fun with singing with the Colorado Symphony Orchestra Chorus; performed at Fiddler’s Green, Aspen Music Festival, Boettcher Hall.

Skinny dipping at 2 AM in a public park on a Sunday morning, expedition led by me.

End of twenties working at a nuclear weapons plant, got married.

Quit job, got sick, four months later first psych hospitalization.

40+ psych hospitalizations, 3 nearly fatal suicide attempts, lots of therapy, met hundreds of patients literally, built mental health website (coded from scratch) and ran support groups.

Was contacted by a relative of Kurt Cobain to review her book for website.

Psychiatrist nearly murdered me with medications; over 300 pounds, on oxygen, too many symptoms, basically dying.

In Christmas of 2006, I got very very sick and bad snowstorm shut down Denver, unable to get medical help.

Had to go off meds as couldn’t keep them down (stomach flu) and everything improved!

Fired him shortly after; changed insurances. New doc took me off almost everything; miraculous recovery!

2008 went to Disneyworld, ended up with gallbladder symptoms while there and came home and had to have emergency gallbladder surgery.

Nearly went septic and died. Spent summer recovering.

That summer I got in contact with a friend of a friend who was intrigued by my life story and wanted to meet me.

In October he contacted me said he was flying to Denver, could we meet? We did, three days that changed my life forever.

Intense connection. Prior to him coming out, struggling with why should I continue to live, my life has sucked thus far.

Turns out he cast magick on me; his intentions were wicked and he planned on bedding me and killing me, neither of which happened.

Three days after he left Denver, he left a nasty comment online which turned into a suicide attempt, induced by his magick.

A demon showed up with a suicide recipe, and this was so effective medical doctors believed the story.

The only thing that saved me was wanting to see a sunset and calling my then husband, otherwise I would have died.

Husband called his father who called 911; they barely got to me in time. ICU and then regular hospital.

I was angry I lived; really mad I chickened out.

New spiritual connection to this guy who caused it all. He opened my third eye, it was quite mindblowing.

Guy rejects me in real life while being connected spiritually. A war ensues.

I take the murder attempt personally, work on taking him down by researching him online and discovering he is a bad person.

Get others involved, fighting spiritually and in other ways.

Finally he makes a legal mistake in another country, and a friend reports him to the right people. Ultimately he returned to the USA after that.

All kinds of crazy things happening spiritually as I had absorbed his soul.

Wiccan/Pagan friends who helped with battle start a spiritual warfare group dedicated to battling demons and I join.

2013 on is abuse of all kinds, mostly demonic. Group has lots of drama.

Marriage starts deteriorating; husband literally became a different person over time, went from the wonderful man who loved me and would do anything for me to the evil piece of crap he is now. Took five years.

He got involved in rape porn and is a video game addict. Physical and sexual abuse involved.

2014 the person before me in this body died in a demonic attack, and I was born.

The thing that made this even possible was a head injury received in a car accident; had symptoms from it for many years and lost musical ear. It scrambled my brain to the point it was possible.

This is a very real change and is recognized by people who knew her and who know me now.

In particular, the ex husband treated her well although she was treating him like crap and spending all his money.

I was born into a relatively healthy body. Four years later almost dead due to abuse and neglect, all because I was me and not her.

Stalker who had rejected her falls in love with me. Pattern now changes and I get real life contact like Facebook search manipulations.

He hacks my phone and puts pictures on it, hacks Amazon account and puts albums on it he wants me to see.

Hacks my computer. I find my name on hacker sites and a video of mine on Tor. Contact police and no avail.

Spiritual abuse continues. Parts of him are living in me as I had absorbed his soul.

2018 all this comes to a head. SW group had broken up in 2015 by a member who maliciously lied to everyone to break me off from it and have me all to herself.

I get very fat and ill as ex will only feed me candy, junk food, soda, and fast food. I am not allowed to shop or cook for myself pretty much. Go to nice restaurants to eat real food and get insulted for it.

By this time I am pretty much a prisoner inside the crappy basement he and I had been living in for 18 years with his parents.

Hadn’t been cleaned since 2015; mice, roaches, lots and lots of spiders including brown recluses, ants. Filth/hoarder environment.

Parents know about abuse; promise protection; do nothing.

Their other children were my friends, reported back on convos. Paid their son to be my companion.

End up on oxygen due to Pickwickian syndrome, many other dxes, was going into kidney failure. Again was dying.

One morning I wake up and ask for help with antibiotics as I am very immobile by then due to all conditions.

He starts in on me for asking for a glass of liquid, hurls insults, takes phone, gets in my face and screams at me.

I am crying and realize he is just fine with hurting me; that he knows he is hurting me and doesn’t care. I am silent and he screams; nothing I do or don’t do stops him.

He packs me up and drops me off with my oxygen tank at a restaurant, says he doesn’t know when he will return.

I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline, then a friend who says she will take me. We plot my escape.

End up lying to him saying must help her with resume. Pack what I can in messenger bag, leave just with clothes on my back.

Not even able to catch a cab as this will be questioned and I will be stopped; ended up having him take me across town to where she lives and for some reason he did it.

Plan was to drop me off at store but she can’t come get me and he will not leave me there.

So finally he took me to their large apartment complex and she met us. She knew him from our 20’s and he was so altered she didn’t recognize him, and not just physically.

Friend and her husband talk me into staying with them and not returning home, and all changes from there.

Initially going to live with them, but friend is emotionally unstable. Situation destabilizes to where I have to leave.

Remember rehab in Tucson at age 19 and decide to move to Tucson, also the Lord says His Will.

I empty my bank account and fly to Tucson on a one way ticket with basically no plan.

The Lord says He has work for me to do, but I say how, my body is broken, I am on oxygen and disabled. I literally left my oxygen and everything behind to get there.

A Denver acquaintance spots me a hotel room for a night, then says I must get to a shelter, he will not help me further.

Salvation Army Hospitality House says they have a bed; he gets me a Lyft there. I arrive to find they have no bed. I am penniless in a new town with nowhere to go.

Sit there and pray and wait. They are trying to kick me off the property and a volunteer shows up. She takes me to another shelter, a Christian church homeless shelter.

I move in there and stay for four months as I feel called to be a part of the ministry. End up getting delivered from a lot of things.

The Lord did a miraculous healing which has been medically verified. He also gave me back my musical ear. Previously I scared telemarketers.

I started singing and can hear the pitches, can make harmony! I ended up joining the praise and worship team and performing original songs, as well as being the leader of it some services.

The pastor develops a thing for me and I am the last to know, didn’t realize it until long after I left.

In three months I have built a website, done high level admin work, paying bills out of the bank account, was put in charge of fundraising, and supervising people.

He and I picked out the colors to paint the church. I am in denial about this; there is attraction there from me and devotion to him, but I am there to serve the Lord and not to shag the pastor.

He quietly makes sure I get divorced; even tells me to divorce and repent later, and makes time and scarce resources available to me so I get all done to make it go through.

He did this not to gain me for himself but because my ex was really abusive and he wanted to make sure he was gone.

Ultimately they asked me to do something very wrong; there was abuse and I left.

I emailed the pastor; he called me, defended the employee in the wrong, and told me I was always welcome back.

I moved into the Salvation Army Hospitality House. On the way there, someone called on the resume I had recently created and uploaded although I hadn’t worked in 20 years.

He hired me sight unseen over the phone. I started a temp job in a hospital mailroom the next day.

Held that job for three weeks covering vacations. By the end I had references and good stories as well as money.

Shortly after the hospital job ended, I was hired to run a group home for the mentally ill although no qualifications whatsoever.

I only lasted a week due to really unsafe living conditions and supremely inadequate compensation, but it was a glorious week.

I was the only staff member on site and supervising 12 adult men and women.

I kicked out three people while I was there. One was a healthy man in good physical shape using heroin in his room. I confiscated a pipe, club, and a box full of needles and heroin.

I kicked out a resident who absconded with his disabled wife to panhandle; he came back and I gave him a night out for that and enforced it.

Someone walked in and pretended to be a new client. I figured out the truth and kicked her out.

It was unending drama; residents at different levels of functioning and sanity. They loved me, feared me, and raved to their caseworkers. Even the druggie guy wanted to come back.

I left because they could have killed me anytime (they had screwdrivers and knew how to pick locks) and they were only paying me $200 a month to do all that.

I moved in with roommate from church homeless shelter. She was a legally vulnerable elderly woman under case management.

Although she was a Section 8 client, all was well with everyone. Her caseworker gave permission for me to live there; I applied at the trailer park, was accepted, signed a lease and paid rent.

One day she calls me and says her boyfriend wants to speak to me. He tries to extort money out of me, says he will have me thrown out if I do not pay her X amount of money. I am, no way.

Multiple phone calls happen in which I continue to resist and then say I want no contact with him.

She brings him over. He comes in and locks the door behind him. He starts yelling at me and I call 911.

Cops hear him, he is yelling at them and telling her to call and file a false report on me, which she does.

Ultimately cops arrive, go in and talk to the two of them having told me to get out of the house.

They then bring me back in and she has sweet talked a deal where he doesn’t go to jail and gets to stay, and I must live with this.

Park management not available so must deal with this. They then kick me out of the front room, have sex.

I am basically stuck in the back room although I live there and he doesn’t.

I get mad. I leave early that morning and see a lawyer.

She advises me to get a restraining order, so I go get the police report and then go to court, in shorts. I got my order.

I go to church, go home and see his car. Go to the nearby police station, get backup. They put me in a squad car, take another, and we all go to my house.

I wait in the police car while the police get him out of there using my order, and I finally get to be home.

Roommate tries to get restraining order against me and an eviction order, at his demand.

She actually goes to court, but when they ask why they should grant it she says nothing, so they deny it.

I talk to roommate, find out he was threatening her. He told her he would give her a black eye and bruises if she didn’t comply, and she was holed up with him in our house so she did all he said.

He had a history of physical violence against her and also a criminal arrest record for domestic violence.

Park management gets a restraining order against him. A week later, I help roommate get her own order, again in shorts. We are in court five minutes and order is granted.

I go home next day and discover Section 8 has decided to throw me out, told roommate it is her or me and gave me 24 hours to leave.

Since they were fine with me it is obviously his final revenge, but I had to go.

A church gives me night in a hotel. I spend next night at a bus depot.

I am really low, and someone on Facebook makes fun of the fact I am spending the night at a bus depot. He turns out to be a Satanist.

The Lord says, go to hospital where you worked, they have free water!

At cafeteria, I melt down and decide to commit suicide. All I needed was a good plan.

Two friends contact me and I finally admit I am actually at the hospital. One says go to the ER so I do. They admit me. I call roommate tell her where I am at. She says she is shopping.

I am in the hospital 11 days. They treat me for trauma and PTSD.

The hospital discharges me to a treatment center for further trauma treatment. I stay there two weeks.

Treatment center is haunted; smoke detector flew off the wall, my bed got moved by itself, marker rolling on its own, unexplained noises everyone hears.

I finish trauma work and life direction is set.

The Lord wants me to pray for the church/homeless shelter I left and I agree.

I move into my own apartment.

I had also checked direction with a former attendee of that church/homeless shelter and put up a picture of my friends on my wall to pray for them.

My friends were obviously suffering and photos of them showed their misery.

I was mad and wrote the pastor a nasty poem on my art site. The whole church was stalking me so this is all I needed to do to contact them.

Poem discovered within hours. Promised help. The poetry on the art site that was specifically about that church had an inordinate number of views compared to other work.

Someone from that church/homeless shelter and I start a blog which runs for months. The Lord uses it in many positive ways.

The purpose of the blog was get the church/homeless shelter to repent and amend their ways. Received real life persecution for this.

The church/homeless ultimately completely rejected Jesus Christ and us and is evil.

Co-author ended up in major moral failure, did things to try to harm me so we parted ways.

Other people did get saved from the blog and were greatly helped. But due to corruption and lies of co-author, destroyed it as it was tainted.

Somehow in all this meet a major Hollywood producer and sign on with studio to maybe make the story I pitched into a movie.

I get in temporary financial trouble doing this, couldn’t pay rent and utilities for December.

I ask severely abusive family for help. They sabotage me instead.

Plan was to get me evicted, get me to Denver, family uses psychiatric history to legally take over my life.

This would allow them to abuse me practically legally with no questions asked.

Obviously this is bad for me, so I stay home and cut them all off.

A friend comes through with the rent. It has been so long due to family sabotage I had to come up with twice normal amount.

Eviction was in process which they stopped.

No one would help me pay utility bill so the lights just stayed on.

I paid utility bill in full in January, in lit heated apartment. Found disconnect notice later they mailed in December.

I find a freelance position with a great company. Bills are paid, hope and future!

I join a great church, make new friends.

Was planning on enrolling in theater program at U of A to pursue a career as a Hollywood screenwriter someday.

Then I peed blood and the rest is history.

Death Porn

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For years people read my LiveJournal. I was a literally different person then. Very very angry. Guess I still am.

It had great content as about struggles with severe mental illness and family abuse. I could absolutely count on drama and unfriendings if I got suicidal or went to the hospital.

It was gripping, addictive reading. One friend said she read avidly. People checked in for updates. I poured out heart and soul in my misery and people checked in.

They just didn’t say anything.

Periodically I would get mad about this. And then would come the excuses. A litany from literally everyone for years. We are busy. We have lives. The most common one was we didn’t know what to say. We can’t check LiveJournal all the time. They would make excuses and never change.

Then the venue changed. Facebook now. But same excuses. Different people. Same excuses.

It is pretty hard to miss when people have been telling you the same thing for years, that they are happy to read but decline to act to improve the situation. We didn’t know what to say.

It is pretty hard when years go by and different people but they all treat you the same. We are happy to read and we will take everything you have to give. We will not give anything to you or care about you in any way.

We were busy. We were too busy to pick up the phone. We were too self involved to ask anything. We can’t be checking stuff all the time. We have lives.

We were afraid. We might offend. This is ultimately an excuse to just not be involved.

We didn’t know what to say. It was easier to turn away our faces and just not deal with you.

I see nothing has changed. That I can write purple prose and there is as usual no help for me. That what people are checking in for is death porn.

So death porn it is. As I am going to die regardless and obviously only worth entertainment value as usual, might as well put on a show.

 

Jephthah’s Daughter

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Then the Spirit of the Lord came on Jephthah. He crossed Gilead and Manasseh, passed through Mizpah of Gilead, and from there he advanced against the Ammonites.30 And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: “If you give the Ammonites into my hands,31 whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.”

32 Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the Lord gave them into his hands. 33 He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon.

34 When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of timbrels!She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. 35 When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, “Oh no, my daughter! You have brought me down and I am devastated. I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break.”

36 “My father,” she replied, “you have given your word to the Lord. Do to me just as you promised, now that the Lord has avenged youof your enemies, the Ammonites. 37 But grant me this one request,” she said. “Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry.”

38 “You may go,” he said. And he let her go for two months. She and her friends went into the hills and wept because she would never marry.39 After the two months, she returned to her father, and he did to her as he had vowed. And she was a virgin.

From this comes the Israelite tradition 40 that each year the young women of Israel go out for four days to commemorate the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite. ~ Judges 11:29-40.

Why am I starting this blog? To talk about my own life, my own experiences. To maybe teach what I know. To hopefully reach people for Christ. But mostly to share.

Here is the terrible reality of my life. I thought I had everything settled. Things going well. I was at the local university feeling led to seek enrollment. I was literally there looking for the right department to go talk to them, asked to use the bathroom.

I peed red in the toilet.

Great, peeing blood. Well hopefully a minor inconvenience. I let the people I was freelancing for know I had to see the doc but thought this was easily fixed and back at it tomorrow! I was annoyed and no more.

Clinic couldn’t see me, told me to go to urgent care. That didn’t work out. Used their toilet, looked like I was menstruating. That scared me some and I showed them. They told me go straight to the ER.

I was a little scared but no stranger to ER’s. Popped over there, breezily told everyone likely kidney or UTI infection, antibiotics will fix all, I will be out after awhile.

ER concerned about the mass quantities of blood I was peeing bad enough to get me a room quickly in spite of it being pretty crowded. But they also thought UTI, a doc even said so. Labs will tell, but they and I expected the outcome to be massive antibiotics, go home.

Labs were late. When they were finally done, doc comes in with a funny look on her face. They did NOT find an infection and they expected to. They DID find that the substance turning my pee sample the color of your favorite red wine WAS blood.

All of a sudden it was much more serious. You are peeing lots of blood and we don’t know why.

That is when I kinda got scared.

She said a CT scan was needed. I am like OK and feel much less confident about a good outcome.

Then the tech comes up to do vitals. She says, is your heart rate always slow.

I look and see 40, BP 145/91. I then advocated vehemently for myself seeing this is not gonna just happen. I say no, 40 is too low, 40 is bad bad bad.

She says, but you are calm. I said no, my BP is elevated this means stress. Heart rate should be also elevated but is low. This is bad. And I demanded she go tell the nurses.

I could say why did I have to instruct the tech how to do her job, but I did. This is why always advocate for yourself; health professionals ARE fallible!

Nurse comes in and vitals machine goes literally nuts. Heart rate dips into the 30’s, then jumps into 100’s. BP 177/100. Sine wave looks like the Rocky Mountains; it is an electronic mess.

The machine wasn’t the problem, unfortunately. It was making accurate readings. That was my heart.

Situation very serious so they moved me into another room where the monitors kept screaming. I found out later the one making the most noise was the arrythmia monitor.

Very tired and out of it, feel drugged, hands cold, they put me on oxygen.

I concluded maybe I was gonna die right there and prepared accordingly. Obviously didn’t.

Doc came in, told me about all these kidney stones, unhooks me, sends me home!

That I didn’t get. Then I found out the hospital was full and they were only admitting the worst cases.

So I follow up two days later. Trying to get appointments with a cardiologist and urologist. At first get standard appointments. Then say what is up with both departments, tell them what happened at the ER. Both panic and give me next day appointments.

Pop back up to Urology as they have scheduled within an hour of each other. Say, I feel lightheaded and dizzy. One says do you have chest pain. I say yes.

They bring out vitals machine. Results are bad and getting used to this. They call 911.

I joke with ambulance drivers. One asks, as we pass the cafe, if I want a coffee. I say yes, a six shot venti mocha. I assume you’re buying.

They wheel me in. I notice they turned on the sirens. Inside it is all business. Medic attempts IV, blows vein. They try on the other side, same result.

Get me in, they put me in triage. They pretty quickly realize things are bad bad bad and get me to a room fast.

This time they did a chest xray and put me on a heart monitor right away. Same results as other day: really out of it, feel drugged, monitors screaming. I lay there for hours unable to move pretty much.

Periodically people come in and do stuff. A doc asked if I lost consciousness. I said no but very close.

They do tests to rule out heart attack, pulmonary embolism, do basic treatment in case I had one. Then I hear they are admitting me.

It is a bad bad feeling to know you are being admitted to a full hospital turning everyone away they can get away with, that sent you home the other day but now keeping you.

I go upstairs eventually after letting people know what is up.

After a long process, and many pokes (thank the Lord I have no fear of needles) they decide hypothyroidism, put me on thyroid medication, send me home. Fortunately with a cardiology referral.

I also ended up in a medical research study.

But while I was there, speaking with a friend who enlightened me to the reality of the situation.

He said, where is everyone? He says you left all this information where you were. One person picked up the phone and called. You are alone.

And he went on to point out I really didn’t have anyone at all in my life, and realized he was right.

He said, where are your visitors? Calls? Who is taking care of you? No one. No one ever does. You have to get professionals to do it as no one else will.

He didn’t understand how I could be a kind cool amazing person, a lover and a giver, someone people were inspired by, and NO ONE would help me.

I listened and decided I would call the chaplain.

I thought about what my friend said. The chaplain came, was pleasant, then listened and I watched the blood drain from his face.

I said, there was a person in another room who had a lot of problems managing life. That person still had a family as that is who they talked about.

I said I turned to mine for help, and instead they plotted all this evil against me and I had to cut them all off. Why don’t I get to have a family like everyone else? I explained how horribly abusive my childhood was.

I went and talked about the local church/shelter I stayed in, how there were shenanigans with the pastor and I came against the evil there.

This place is Hotel California. You can never leave. If you even visit, shake the demons off your car. Your soul likely safer in a coven of witches.

The lowliest most messed up drug addict is welcome, and they will bombard you to get you back if you leave. I alone am unwelcome.

I never got the texts and calls. I asked to go to church and got $5 gas money please.

I ran into someone recently who completed their program. He didn’t talk about Jesus, had moved back in with druggie ex he went there to escape. He lied to me and pressured me to do stuff.

When it became clear he intended to bag me for a place to live and sex, I cut contact. Product of program a much bigger dirtbag than when he went there in the first place, and doing worse too.

He isn’t the only one; stories get around. Haha he still attends that crappy place too.

I talked briefly about fled for my life from abusive ex husband, how that was a 20 year marriage.

I talked about the ministry friends who for some reason didn’t minister to ME. They would accept my help but not return the favor.

I said this is literally their job, what their life is all about. They will talk to some miserable alcoholic on the skids but not me. They will help them, but not me.

I said I am a kind caring giving person. I serve the Lord. Why am I alone?

The chaplain’s face was white and he was still. He said, I don’t know. He talked about King David and he talked about me as a fellow minister and servant of the Lord. But he didn’t know.

I asked him to pray with me. I am accustomed to people being unable to deal with the reality of my life.

Just like needles. So many needles, no longer react unless it is particularly painful, then only a little.

And the Lord gave me a word. He talked about the place the Bible keeps opening to about the priests of Israel not being given possessions as the Lord was their possession. No portion with the world. The Lord their portion.

He made me to understand He had reserved me for Himself and so I was alone.

Oh. This made me feel a bit better. I thanked him. Back to helping others.

Got out of the hospital. Went to the urologist. Discovered I have to have surgery. Doc cannot figure out why I am not in excruciating pain, there is no explanation.

I have three kidney stones so large they require surgery. They are what is causing the buckets of blood. I talk about blood loss so he pulls up those numbers.

Numbers do show significant blood loss but not too bad he says, you don’t need a transfusion. I am not reassured.

I ask what kind of anesthesia and he says general, so I realize this is a major procedure.

He too invites me to study so now in two research studies. Being medically interesting isn’t desirable.

Go to pizza place. Think about the belly full of diverticula, how the CT scan says they are in duodenum and colon both and someone will have to treat that. That will have to wait.

Go over paperwork and notice the chest xray says I have a 7 mm nodule in a lung, please get a CT scan done, thanks.

Come home. Jesus has removed the pain, like utterly removed the kidney stone pain so I am not incapacitated.

As there is no one who will take care of me, He performs miracles like that. Because no one here will help unless paid to do so.

People are like yay you’re back and it goes back to Seren do. What can you do for me, how can you help me. They like barely acknowledge anything I have been through or how I might feel.

I tell one person what I have concluded about all these results and she agrees. She was the person who picked up the phone and called the hospital. The single phone call I got asking how I was.

My other friend knows, and as they are literally the only people besides Jesus with my best interests at heart, telling them only what my plans are. Bitter? You bet.

I need someone to stay with me for surgery. Probably will hit up the clinic and ask if they can help. I did say I had no one.

My friend said you are only 50.5, you look 30, but you have the body of a 90 year old. People abused you, used you, rejected you for years and years.

You survived it. Your body was literally cursed by every abusive, unkind act, word and deed. Every neglect. So now very ill as a result.

He concluded despite his own misspent life even he has friends who will help him and do stuff for him. He was really upset, went to the Lord. Why Seren? Why does Seren have no one although she has lived a virtuous life and helped so many people?

And what came back was the story of Jephthah’s daughter. The consecrated sacrifice to the Lord, basically. The person reserved for the Lord alone.

This story is, to me, about do not be stupid and swear vows. Sometimes you have to (weddings and taking office, for example), but in general don’t.

The guy made a rash agreement with the Lord. The Lord did His part and then demanded his daughter’s life.

He didn’t mean that. He meant an animal. Not his daughter, his only child.

But he had to keep his word as the Lord kept His. His daughter agreed, asked for two months to bewail her fate. Then came back “and he carried out his vow with her which he had vowed.”

He had offered a burnt offering. The Bible is delicate. But afterwards they mourned her yearly, so thinking that happened although no one totally sure.

Jephthah’s daughter had a whole life planned and instead ended up on an altar because Dad was an idiot.

This honestly sums up my life pretty well. And not the Heavenly Father did this to me. People did it. Just like the story.

The Lord spent my life rescuing me from people basically. Performing miracles, intervening directly when necessary because He asked people to help but they refused Him.

That I am somehow consecrated to Him like Jephthah’s daughter, like Samuel, this is clear. So He took me away from everyone and reserved me for Himself.

I am dying. I have had hypothyroidism a long time and it never caused major heart issues. Major kidney stone issues requiring surgery. Diverticula throughout the whole digestive tract. A nodule in a lung. Really???

This is seen in really old people and is recognized what is going on. As I am 50 all in denial.

Each specialist will probably treat their own little body part and not see the systemic collapse in progress.

My friend encouraging me to make plans so I don’t just die and then they eventually find my decomposing body when someone finally notices it has been awhile since I checked in.

What will happen with this post is maybe some people may feel bad, but this will be short lived and they will go back to whatever they were doing. It literally always is this way.

I heard I am probably a scam don’t get involved. This is super typical. Don’t get involved is how 99% of people live.

I will make my own arrangements as no one else will.