Broken body mind heart shielded under His wings, His literal wings. An impenetrable shield.
Inside only peace, joy and love. Incredible power and happiness.
Jesus has utterly had it with people breaking His wife, He is done.
I snuggle up to Him and we talk.
I ask Him about the man and the terrible choice. He says that man could have made literally any other choice. Danced a jig. Done nothing. And it would not have turned out misery for all.
He said, that is not even Satan’s will or fault for once. Satan has a very big problem. He has a fulfilled executed contract involving substitutionary blood sacrifice and a life obedience contract, the highest most powerful principles in the universe.
For this no payment was rendered, great or small. Not even a packet of Skittles. Nothing.
Satan MUST pay me, yet the Lord won’t allow me to accept anything from him.
He says the magick will eventually balance in cosmic ways of interest even to God. He will have to handle it; it is way beyond my paygrade.
I asked about the recent man. He said that was all Me. Really, why would you fall for this guy what would interest you naturally, why would you even consider it. He is jailbait!
I did it all; I created the bonds and happiness and union; I did everything. Perfect mate, wrapped up in a bow, here you go.
For some reason, he decided that wasn’t good enough as he is young and you are old. The Lord said, Seren if this was my actual Will you would not have broken and smashed like eggs on the pavement.
I would be in it, explain, sustain you. You would get it and understand and accept what I wanted. I would bless all of it. It was not My Will so it is a huge mess.
I said, Lord why do these things happen. He said, this is a result of the extreme degree to which I have chosen you for Myself. It acts like an improbability field and so sometimes you get these weird results.
I said, why me, Lord? He said, sometimes I make things just for Me. Just to please Myself and make Me happy. You are one of these things.
Amy was like a caterpillar form that died in the Satanic attack, and out came my beautiful butterfly Seren. Utterly different yet the same gorgeous soul.
He said, the most recent guy I gave you to is really sorry, think I will give him another chance.
But mostly He just wants to keep me to Himself and is way over people messing with me and hurting me.
He gave Himself to me and I gave myself to Him in return. In a spiritual interchange and love and joy flooding my heart and soul. Utter peace and security.
I love You, Jesus My Love. We will literally always be together through time and space. Thank You for making me just for You. ❤❤❤😍😍😍
It goes to The Mighty, a mental health site. They write a very compassionate article. Another pastor contributed, saying he too ended up in a psych ward.
I am here, as someone who has been in psych wards so many times I LOST TRACK (40+ lifetime visits), to say it isn’t necessarily easy to get in one.
Still from One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest
About Psych Wards
A lot of people are sick. The mental health system most places, in the USA at any rate, is overburdened. There aren’t enough beds. So they triage as a matter of necessity. Sad ugly reality of underfunded system.
So if you DO get in a psych ward, they utterly believe you belong there. There are only three paths in: you might die, someone else might die, or a legal action was taken to put you there.
That is literally it.
It would be very nice if psych hospitals were recovery spas. They aren’t. They are hard and brutal and unfun.
Dependent on acuity of the ward you’re in, you are very likely to witness and be subjected to the bizarre behavior of other patients.
I remember trying to read over the screaming of someone in seclusion. The elderly patient who wouldn’t shut up, yelling constantly.
The last time I was in, people with rage issues and yelling. Some of it was funny. A lot of it was hide in your room and let staff handle it.
Melting down and everyone is too busy and you are sick, so they just let you.
Honestly it is a destination of last resort, somewhere you go when absolutely everything has failed.
So if this other pastor ended up there, he needed it. I wish megachurch pastor had called for help. He succumbed to the demons instead. So many do. My heart aches for him and his family.
Suicide Is Always A Work Of Darkness
Please keep reading as I didn’t write that to judge or condemn you. I will explain.
The pastor who fortunately made it says his path forward was connecting with others and acknowledging his brokenness. He pastored less and opened his heart, let others in.
I do not know what was going on in the life of the guy who suicided. I do see the sorrow in his eyes in the picture posted.
No One Cares
Having been there numerous times and actually survived three attempts, two of which ended in trips to ICU, I can say in his last moments he likely believed he was alone, unloved, there was no purpose or hope.
He didn’t call for help as he believed no one would. I don’t know where he got that from. But I know he believed it or he would have picked up a phone instead of a gun.
He was a pastor of 6,000 people and was so utterly convinced he was alone, unloved, and his situation was hopeless, he succumbed to the demons, picked up a loaded gun, pulled the trigger.
Everyone who survived to be in the psych ward last time I was in, the litany I heard over and over as to why they were there was, No one cares.
I was there for that very reason also.
Nightmare
In the hospital, I had a nightmare I completed my own suicide. It was so utterly devastating, I woke up and was utterly wrecked and sobbing most of the morning. And I hadn’t done it, just sitting there alive obviously.
But I lived it in a dream, and that dream is one of the most evil, horrible things I have experienced in a very bad life.
Enough about darkness. Hope the glimpse of reality I have given you convinces you suicide is truly and always an evil work of the Enemy.
Mental Illness Ultimately Due To Broken Minds, Hearts, Spirits
I say this as someone who was first hospitalized in a psych ward in 1998, and most recently again in 2018.
I say this as someone who spent my 30’s doing mental health treatment and basically nothing else. Hospitals, therapy, meds, that was my life. I went to and ran support groups, even built a website!
I accumulated so much knowledge I have literally been in groups with therapists who ended up there as patients, and they declared I knew as much or more than them. Seriously.
I was once a candidate for ECT. The psychiatrist who would have done the procedure refused. He congratulated me on being alive.
I never forgot that. Congratulations, you get an award just for BREATHING. He meant it; I wrote up my history and that was his response.
I Know The System and Theories Intimately
I have learned most or all of the coping skills, done endless DBT, done a little CBT, done or heard of just about everything out there.
So I have therefore had a lot of time to think about what I believe the truth is, and decide what I think actually works.
I have also met and talked to literally hundreds of fellow patients, gotten their experiences and perspectives. 40+ hospitalizations, group therapy, support groups etc.; this is not an exaggeration.
From a purely scientific standpoint, I basically have study data on myself and hundreds of other patients running over a 20 year period. Maybe you should listen to what I learned.
Woman Destroys Life Taking Colon Cleanse
Here is a very interesting video about how a woman drank 1 liter of soy sauce as a colon cleanse, nearly died, and suffered serious brain damage.
This is a massive trainwreck for all involved literally. The scientist/doctor narrating ultimately misses why she did it though, in my opinion.
He is trying to figure out why anyone would be insane enough to drink 1 liter of soy sauce, and posits this complex theory about gluten sensitivity having caused temporary insanity.
I have different theories.
She was in a psych ward and was apparently treated for paranoid schizophrenia; they are a bit vague. Some kind of psychotic condition.
She was also eating a mono diet of white bread and “canned fish” (likely tuna) prior to this, then thought it would be awesome to down 1 liter of soy sauce and actually did it.
Even he says that would be hard to do without flinching or vomiting. He notes she succeeded and this took some determination.
I Just Want To Be Clean And Whole
What I think is she was searching for answers. She had mental illness, cause unknown, that resulted in a psych ward visit being treated for a psychotic episode or episodes.
Whatever mental illness that was, it enabled her to drink the soy sauce. Also is likely why she went on fad diet of white bread and probably tuna and nothing else.
Whatever was up with her, she wanted to be clean, healthy. She wanted a purge. She wanted to be pure. She was willing to do something extreme to get it.
So someone convinced her the crazy diet would make her healthy, and someone else convinced her 1 liter of soy sauce would solve whatever was wrong with her. Make her clean inside which is what she did all that for.
Because she had whatever psych issues, she fell for YouTube quackery and nearly died.
“Normal” People Will Pay A Lot, Do Crazy Things In Pursuit Of Wholeness
No one is accusing them of insanity. Stupidity yes; insanity no.
People understand they are looking for answers in all the wrong places. This woman who drank the soy sauce ultimately was just doing the same thing.
It Is All A Massive Search For God
Here is where I do something stupid like condemn psychology/psychiatry tell people to go off their meds, all you need is Jesus! Right???
Nope. Psych professionals, you and your profession are badly needed. Please continue your extremely difficult work. Thank you for your service.
Also if you are considering going off your meds, DON’T. Just don’t. Especially NOT cold turkey.
I can read and understand prescribing info; most cannot. That tells me all the terrible things that can happen if you crash off just one med, much less multiple meds. You can get in LIFETHREATENING situations. You don’t know so DON’T.
Then What Do You Mean, Seren?
Psychology/psychiatry/meds are necessary chiefly due to the massive general failure of modern Christianity to transmit Christ.
I am going to repeat that in smaller, simpler words. Psych professionals, psychology, psychiatry, and meds ARE UTTERLY NECESSARY to deal with people REFUSING TO LOVE OTHERS.
Every evil committed on a person somehow involves a refusal to love that person WITHOUT EXCEPTION.
There are a wide variety of ways to commit evil, prompting many treatments, meds, and an entire fat book of resultant diagnoses. Any social worker likely has cases that keep them awake at night.
Christians say Jesus is the answer! God is Love! World snickers. Truly.
Christian Flame War
I went on the Facebook post announcing this suicide and found the predictable condemnation and hate in the comments from people who claim to follow Jesus.
The Lord didn’t send me to any of them. Utterly ignored them all.
The Atheist
He sent me to the atheist with a history of suicidality who showed up to troll them.
He baited them; they didn’t disappoint; he got condemnation and judgment in spades.
At first he was oh so cool and played them. But someone hit a nerve. He ended up basically asking God to destroy him on the spot, followed by saying horrible things about God.
I saw those comments THANK GOD mere minutes after he said them. He had gone on the post, said I suffer from suicidal thoughts, have mental illness, and because he was an atheist challenging them, THEY FLAMED HIM.
I jumped on and drowned him in all the love and mercy I could. Told my background. Acknowledged his point the pastor OBVIOUSLY wasn’t personally experiencing the love or answers he preached.
I invited him to contact me if he wanted to talk. He left a polite reply and left. No more trolling or diatribes or scary words.
The Person A Church Threw Out
The Lord sent me to the person who said I am a born again believer but left church due to an offense. I struggle with suicidal thoughts; will I go to Hell?
She got whatever in reply; some good stuff, a lot of crap pretty predictably.
I told her I thought it depended on the individual case. That the Bible said Jesus was the Judge of the living and the dead, why are we trying to usurp His position? No one said anything to that.
I then left an additional comment. I said I feel you have been rejected by that church for whatever reason, but came here because you still want God’s people to love you. Some will, I said. Some will treat you like crap.
Hope you find another church, I said. Left a hug and a heart emoji.
She left a heart love reply, no comment, and left. No one noticed.
The Suicide Survivor
The Lord last of all sent me to the poor brave soul, a professed Christian, who was trying to help me reach the atheist, also showed him compassion.
She related a heartbreaking story of surviving the suicide of a close relative who shot himself.
Some exceptionally cruel person left a laughing emoji on her comment.
I left her a lot of love too.
Religious People Have Always Behaved This Way
Before Netflix, people watched others die as a major source of entertainment.
Hangings. Stonings. Crucifixions. The games. Now people have Game of Thrones and can get all the gore and violence they desire without people actually dying to do it.
Jesus dealt with this too. The fear, hatred and jealousy of religious people literally caused His unjust execution. (John 11:45-57). His horrible crucifixion prompted mockery and public amusement. He died mostly abandoned, with insults ringing in His ears (Mark 15:33-37).
The Adulteress Caught In The Act
Jesus opposed most of the religious self-righteous people during His life on earth.
Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives,but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them.As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.
“Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery.The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger.They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!”Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.
When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” ~ John 8:1-11, NLT.
First of all, these self-righteous teachers interrupted her having sexual relations, walked in on her naked having sex. Stop and think about that.
Then dragged her in horrible shame and humiliation in front of a CROWD. Accused her in front of all those people, some of who likely KNEW her, and demanded her DEATH by stoning basically. All to trap Jesus!
Jesus was having none of it, trapped them and humiliated them instead without breaking the law. He is so good like that. ❤
Then addressed her. She called Him LORD in response!
As He had come to save people and not condemn and destroy them, He saved her very literally, and her soul too, that day. He told her to stop sinning and let her go.
He didn’t justify her actions. He didn’t break the Mosaic law. He nonetheless found a way to have mercy on her and save her in every way. That is Who Jesus is and what He does.
So Christians, You Have A Lot Of Explaining To Do
This goes back to the beginning of the post, in which the head pastor of a Christian church of 6,000 souls felt SO alone and unloved and hopeless he reached for a gun and not a phone.
Somebody failed him. That someone WASN’T Jesus! Likely many someones. Given all the hate on the Facebook post, I completely understand why he would find it difficult to believe he was loved.
I am not targeting the family or those closest to him, who are likely burdened massively with guilt as well as grief. Sometimes you do not see this coming.
They knew he struggled and I am sure supported him as best as they could. I have love and compassion for them and my condolences on their terrible loss.
I am saying the lead pastor of a Christian megachurch felt so empty, hopeless and desperate he killed himself, and that means ultimately he felt alone and unloved. For whatever reason.
We then have the pastor who made it to a psych ward, who had the courage to ask for help. He credits his recovery and continued survival NOT to Jesus, but honest connections with OTHER PEOPLE.
Yes, he found people WILLING TO LOVE HIM.
Other pastors have come forward, said hey we are human this is a tough job. They have gotten some support but also jeers.
Christians, It Is Your Duty To Love Others
“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden.Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house.In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” ~ Matthew 5:13-16, NIV.
“Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” ~ 1 John 4:7-11, NIV.
“My brothers and sisters, what good does it do if someone claims to have faith but doesn’t do any good things? Can this kind of faith save him? Suppose a believer, whether a man or a woman, needs clothes or food and one of you tells that person, “God be with you! Stay warm, and make sure you eat enough.” If you don’t provide for that person’s physical needs, what good does it do?In the same way, faith by itself is dead if it doesn’t cause you to do any good things.” ~ James 2:14-17, God’s Word Translation.
The verses out of 1 John say if you don’t love others, you don’t know God and therefore He doesn’t know you. Here is what Jesus has to say about that condition.
“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’” ~ Matthew 7:21-27, ESV.
Yeah, all that flashy stuff will not save you. At all. Whatsoever.
What will? Obedience to God’s Will. What is God’s Will?
That you receive His Son Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior. That you then love Jesus Who now dwells within you, allow Him to fill you, live His life through you, and love others through you.
You love God through obeying His will. You love others by doing practical, concrete things to meet their needs.
You reach out to people. You pick up a phone and ask how people are. You take a 2 AM phone call from someone in need.
You pray for others. Give to the food bank. Pick somewhere meaningful to you and volunteer. You are there when your friends need you.
You visit the sick. Visit those in prison. Rake leaves for the elderly. So many ways to serve. Let the Lord lead you into what He wants from you.
It Is The Lord’s Will You Develop Meaningful Relationships Through Loving Others
Many of these people you are now being kind and loving to will love you back! Want to get to know you better. Wow, did not expect this.
Then you decide, with the Lord’s help, who you want to be close to, let down your hair appropriately, and tada! When the demons come for you and whisper death, you pick up a phone.
And leave the gun in the drawer.
Because someone cares, and you know it.
Note: Except for the header image and still shot from movie, all art is my own.
Things are blowing up in my life right now. I am dealing with situations, I cannot even believe people are behaving this way or I am going through what I am going through.
All software continues to misbehave, literally doesn’t matter what the source is or who wrote the code.
I went to the Lord and said I am in such a major jam. I have friends but they are far off, human, struggling with their own problems yet trying to help me too.
I love them all dearly. They are but flesh, like me. Imperfect, limited, prone to failure and error. Like me. Like all of us. Everyone the same.
I feel like a very small mudspeck in a very very large vast universe. A mere blade of grass who has taken on the stars themselves.
Who am I, the single blade of grass a regular lawnmower can destroy tomorrow in an instant, to proclaim lofty things? To talk about constellations?
I said I got into this massive jam following You, Lord. It seems like all forces are conspiring against me. Many ARE, very factually and provably, with real life evidence they are doing so.
I said here I am proclaiming Jesus Christ is the Way, Truth and Life, He is the answer. And yet my own life is massively going to pieces. Why Lord? What is happening?
I praised Him; I surrendered to Him as usual. But I also said, You say You are Love and You love me. This doesn’t look like Love to me!
I don’t feel loved. How can everything be literally blowing up and almost all forces against me, how is this Love????
He says:
Seren, follow My original instructions for this post and write about nukes.
OK Lord Amen.
A Little Background About Nukes
This, first of all, isn’t a commentary about the wisdom or morality of the nuclear arms race other than it factually happened. The Lord doesn’t want me focusing on that issue.
I was personally involved with the nuclear arms race and also knew others who were. I once worked at a nuclear weapons plant. In addition to people I met there, met others along the way who had been in that program.
I literally never had access to classified information. That plant is now a really giant pile of dirt, all roads into it destroyed. I could tell you work anecdotes and what it was like to be onsite. I don’t know anything classified.
I did admin work. I built and ran a database of OSHA incidents and made pretty graphs. Held some other positions. Nothing earthshattering.
I had the minimum clearance necessary to be onsite and nothing else. They were beyond super paranoid about guarding secrets; I didn’t therefore know any.
But it was an incredible experience. It brought me very close to, and in the middle of, the arms race and the aftermath. I therefore developed a lifelong fascination with the processes of nuclear fission and fusion.
Obviously how to build bombs is EXTREMELY restricted info, so I studied nuclear power plants instead.
Chernobyl
This is probably the most infamous nuclear power plant meltdown. The ultimate causes of it were faulty design and human error. People are still visiting the nearby town of Pripyat, which had to be evacuated.
Probably the best, most accurate summary of what happened is here. A far more descriptive summary is here.
The Cliff Notes summary is they misjudged how to adjust the control rods in the nuclear pile due to operator error, and therefore parts of the pile were ejected out of the building into the outside air, which is BAD.
How It Works
Here is a super easy to understand video about control rods and what they do in a nuclear power plant. They are called that because they literally control the nuclear reactions happening in the pile, or core.
The nuclear pile is just another name for the reactor core, which is the mass of uranium or plutonium undergoing fission. This link is a great explanation of how it all works.
Modern nuclear power plants all work off the principle of fission. In many nuclear bombs, there is an additional fusion reaction. They are designed to explode and the additional fusion component greatly multiplies the destructive effect.
Here is a great video explaining fission.
The mechanics involved in actually doing all this are obviously closely guarded secrets, as well as access to nuclear fuels. But these are the principles on which all these things operate.
Hiroshima and Nagasaki
So in World War II, America dropped nuclear bombs on the Japanese cities Hiroshima and Nagasaki. It was devastating and the war ended not long after.
This is why nukes were researched and developed in the first place. It was then discovered you could build power plants using these reactions. Mankind, however, sought nuclear power in the very beginning to harness it for destruction.
Thanks For The Science And History Lesson, Seren. What Is Your Point?
I drew the following conclusions from this info.
Nuclear reactions, natural or artificial, have one purpose: releasing epic amounts of POWER and ENERGY.
This can be used CONSTRUCTIVELY or DESTRUCTIVELY.
Fission involves BOMBARDMENT of an atom to make it SHATTER, releasing ENERGY.
Fusion involves the BONDING of atoms in a way that OVERCOMES NATURAL FORCES, releasing INCREDIBLE POWER.
Once you start a reaction, there are CHAIN REACTIONS affecting other atoms. This releases MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF POWER AND ENERGY.
This whole post was inspired by something a dear sister in the Lord sent, about how incredible atomic power is released first and foremost by fission. Fusion comes later as a byproduct of fission.
Fission, meaning, the atom is bombarded with neutrons until it can no longer take this and literally shatters. Releasing epic energy and power.
Oh.
So in my life, I am being bombarded. I won’t go into all the sources as do not need to share the drama. Real life stuff, provable stuff, why are people acting this way? Major medical issues, have paperwork to prove it.
The point isn’t to succeed.
The point is to literally BECOME A STAR.
Christ Alone Is Life
“I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels–a plentiful harvest of new lives.” ~ John 12:24, NLT.
I have been having convos about the condition of my physical body outside of what I discuss here. The conclusion I have reached is what ultimately happens with that is irrelevant.
Life isn’t the life of my physical body WHICH WILL END. This is why I am ranting against faith healing. Not that I don’t believe in it. I have a whole post stating I am alive miraculously RIGHT NOW!
I object because of the kneejerk assumption the Lord ALWAYS heals; no Christians ever die when CLEARLY they do, and how this invalidation of my real major illnesses makes me feel.
Life is Jesus Christ. Period. To live is Christ; to die is gain.
We are strangers and sojourners on Planet Earth. We get involved with all the crap here and forget Home is elsewhere.
Jesus does love me. He loves me so insanely much He is bombarding me in order to bring about FISSION. Using the passing things of Earth to bring about ETERNAL LIFE.
What is eternal life? It is Him!
And when fission occurs, there will be a chain reaction. Others will be affected; there will be fission in them. They will affect yet others. And so on.
Unleashing The Life Of Christ
What is the point of nuclear reactions? To unleash devastating amounts of POWER and ENERGY. In this case, that power and energy are the Lord’s and SOLELY under His control.
This is not a recipe to wield immense power. Satan thought that was a good idea, to try to usurp the power of God. He is a lot smarter than you.
This worked out very badly for him; he didn’t succeed, despite claiming he did. Others have tried and God smacked them down.
This, I believe, is LIVING UNION with Christ where He is in control. His life, His thoughts, His actions. Life and Love. Jesus the Source, the Creator in Whom dwells all the fullness of God.
“I pray not on behalf of these only, but also for those who believe in Me through their message, that they all may be one. Just as You, Father, are in Me and I am in You, so also may they be one in Us, so the world may believe that You sent Me. The glory that You have given to Me I have given to them, that they may be one just as We are one—I in them and You in Me—that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me and loved them as You loved Me.
“Father, I also want those You have given Me to be with Me where I am, so that they may see My glory—the glory You gave Me, for You loved Me before the foundation of the world. Righteous Father, the world did not know You, but I knew You; and these knew that You sent Me. I made your Name known to them, and will continue to make it known, so that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them.” ~ John 17:20-26, Tree of Life Version.
By definition, only the Lord can accomplish this. My part is simply cooperating with or resisting His grace. This is a God thing from start to finish.
Conclusion
“For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many.” ~ 2 Corinthians 1:5-11, ESV.
Amen and amen. All praise, glory and honor be to the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit forever and ever. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
I wrote the last post and this honestly killed me. I am sure the people it was about, I am Number 1 on their personal bad list now, but I was directed to do all I did. I didn’t want to post it, was more than happy to be wrong if it was wrong, asked the Lord do I need to take it down, did NOT want to write those words.
I wish what I could post is some kind of profuse apology and delete the post; I understand we can’t be friends now but an apology.
I simply cannot. It is true, and then I got to see what happened. Made to see, more like it, as I didn’t want to watch.
The Lord pointed out, this distresses you; you are sad, you never wanted this. This means you are not vengeful, so what you wrote isn’t you pronouncing a curse.
If I had been egging Him on, yeah you go Lord, then I would have also drawn judgment on myself. This is not the type of thing the Lord takes delight in. In this case, He gave these people literal months to realize what the truth was and what He wanted.
They like so many chose what they wanted. I got to see the sad, terrible, horrifying results with future implications.
The Lord Answers Prayer According To HIS Will
Prayers to the Lord intended to break my words were used by Him to fulfill them instead.
Prayer isn’t magick; God listens or not. And then does as He wishes. Any harm wished on me fell on those people five times what was wished for me.
I am revealing this as even now He wishes to be merciful. And warn about the consequences of proceeding along current lines.
But why did He make me watch? To show me you are never too big to fall. You can appear successful great walk important inspiring. You can be truly anointed and used by Him.
And still fall badly and do stuff that then has serious and lasting consequences.
To show me, although my life will be relatively brief, He has zero issues judging me also if I seriously stray. That I will surely go down myself if at any point in time I choose my will over His.
He didn’t take pleasure in any of it. Neither did I. Awful sad day.
Seren Loses Her Temper
I proved how human I was by then failing. Ranted a little on Facebook and just lost it on a friends group. Lost my temper and never do.
I have been going through so much anyway; I was so emotional and sad. A friend took my call. She understands world ending anger like mine. Mine is a product of 50 years of abuse from many and not much can be done to remove it.
She understands when I get going, I will pull metaphorical explosives out of my metaphorical closet, and metaphorically burn someone’s house down, enjoy the flames and fireworks. Be sorry later but no problems at the time.
I have a powerful will and have terrified people with it. My friend just said, try not to burn any bridges.
She listened to me and helped me calm down. I later apologized to friend group. All was well as they are real friends. Those people are very very dear and so grateful for all of them. ❤
Fire Falls, Consumes Everything
Then took a nap. I lay there and gave all to the Lord. Three times. The first time I saw fire. I felt weird and odd and scared. What is going on?
Repeated consecration to the Lord twice more. He said stop there, three is a sacred number. You have conclusively demonstrated will and intent.
It was pretty clear powerful forces were operating on me. Saw more fire. Praise the Lord had praise and worship music going. Still felt weird and odd and scared, what is happening to me??
Experience grew more intense. I reacted to my panic by seeking the Lord more deeply. I confessed, forgave, begged the Lord to remove anything between us. Asked Him to fill me with His Love, peace, grace and Holy Spirit. Nothing more important than being right with You, Lord.
Towards the end I lay there knowing real, powerful stuff was happening, not sure what was going on, was this it? Was I going to die? Why not at peace? Why am I scared?
I felt more empty inside as stuff was removed. I responded by focusing more intensely on Jesus as the only reality.
A praise song came on and I decided that, regardless of what the Lord thought, I was going to go out praising Him if indeed I was going out. I joined my will and heart to the song, and just praised the Lord.
And then the breakthrough came. Incredible clean joy and peace. Bubbling over happiness. A sense that I had been utterly transformed, that the fire had consumed and cleansed me.
The forces lifted. The Lord told me to call my brother and tell him what happened.
He knew what happened without me telling him. He took a nap at the same time, and had a vision of himself in the throne room of the Lord.
Among whatever else he discussed in this audience with God, he had questions about me.
He wanted to know if the Lord was indeed behind the blog, and the Lord replied yes, He was.
But He had an important word of correction for me. His literal words are the title of this post.
Seren needs to stop wishing to die.
The Lord communicated that, despite me being otherwise right with Him, if I didn’t repent, when I died I would not end up in His presence.
That SERIOUSLY got my attention. Michael said the Lord wasn’t mad at me at all, but I need to fix this.
Death Wish
To clarify, my best understanding is that the Lord ISN’T upset with me reporting the medical situation or even what I think the likely results are. He hasn’t contradicted anything He Himself said either.
What He utterly stomped on is all the talk about dying. That Christ is my life; speak about that. My body will eventually die; yours will too. It is irrelevant.
Christ is my life regardless of the condition of my body. I need to talk about being alive in Christ and not speak death over myself by constantly talking about dying.
Dead Bodies Are Great In CSI
My body will ultimately end up vacated and bug food regardless of what I do or don’t do, however long that is. Yours too. Death happens to literally everyone.
Jesus died, even. He didn’t reuse His body, as it was destroyed. It was buried with respect and lay inert in a grave.
When He rose, He came back in an obviously regenerated body with frankly supernatural abilities.
Your Body Isn’t You
I have like just about everyone been to funerals. Have NEVER liked viewing the body of the deceased.
The last one I was at, I looked at the body and rejected it as being my dear beloved friend. It looked like a horrible cold pale bad imitation of him.
I saw my friend in the stuff they gathered for his Celebration of Life. He lived on truly in the objects and photos that represented his spirit.
Dead bodies need to be treated with the respect due the person whose bodies they were, but they are ultimately a waste product.
They are not in any way that person.
When You Speak Death Over Yourself, However, It Impacts Your Body
I found this on Facebook as a memory. Think it is a great example of the results of speaking death over yourself.
I honestly believe my body is in the condition it is because of all the death I and others spoke over it.
All the abuse, unkindness, neglect of any kind cursed it. 50 years of that is why I have issues more commonly seen in the elderly.
Due to abuse, developed a death wish.
But then I voluntarily reinforced it. Three suicide attempts, many many hospitalizations, things I will not discuss.
In the last five years body started majorly hitting the skids and cropped up with tons of health issues.
My friend was talking about it all. Seems like you were always dying of something, she said. Why couldn’t you just live? It was stressful.
I am reporting what she said as she nailed it.
Decision after decision whole life focused on how can I end it? How do I die soonest and blow this popsicle joint?
Fulfilling A Death Wish Is Suicide
It is THIS the Lord is saying REPENT of. I am not gonna be your executioner, Seren. I will not sign off on and approve of your suicide by whatever means.
If you persist in speaking death over yourself and focusing on it, and thereby bring it about yourself, that IS a form of suicide. So you will not end up with Me in that circumstance.
Christ My Life
Jesus said to her, “I amthe resurrection and the life.He who believes in Me, though he maydie, he shall live.And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. Do you believe this?” ~ John 11:25-26, NKJV.
A Moral Life Will Not Save You
An ex Satanist once told me about a subsect of Satanism in which adherents are instructed to live very moral lives.
The purpose is to make Christians look bad. I am serious. The world is supposed to look at Christians getting drunk and laid Saturday night and showing up to church hungover, then compare with the sect members living apparently good lives.
The world is a lot more likely to follow the people living the apparently good, moral lives and reject the hypocritical Christians. So they then get interested in Satanism. The trap shuts.
An acquaintance was talking about a major TV psychic and unable to comprehend how he could be doing the Enemy’s work. He was so nice, she said over and over.
Christian Doing, Christian Busyness
If someone does escape the Enemy’s clutches and ends up in the sheepfold, all is not lost. Still plenty of ways to bring them down, in the Enemy’s thinking.
The Gifts Of The Spirit
I am not talking about Galatians 5:22-23, which refers to the FRUITS of the Spirit. Fruit takes time to grow.
I am talking spiritual manifestations which happen regularly in certain churches. Faith healing, being “slain in the Spirit”, casting out demons, prophecy, etc. are common examples.
These are real valid things the Spirit of the Lord does. They can also many times be counterfeited by the Enemy, so caution and discernment are needed if you participate in any of this.
Churches do go completely off the rails over emphasizing spiritual manifestations in their services and practices. Bethel Church in Redding CA teaches, among other things, it is ALWAYS God’s Will to heal, and recommends lying on graves to “get that person’s anointing” in a practice they call “gravesucking“.
This is MASSIVELY OCCULT. Don’t do this yourself!
Another famous example is Benny Hinn, who raked in millions and lived a famously lavish lifestyle promoting faith healing and the prosperity gospel. Even he is recanting to some degree; perhaps the IRS raid on his offices was persuasive in this?
Bible Knowledge Can Be A Trap
It is good and utterly necessary to read, study and memorize the Word. It is key for a healthy Christian life. Most people don’t read the Word ENOUGH.
There is, however, the ivory tower trap. There are Christians who learn so much it feeds their egos and they operate from there. If someone is excessively into correct translations, Greek, Hebrew, and arguing theology, they probably are in an ivory tower and not anywhere near Christ.
Which is the whole point.
The Do Gooder
In general, we need LOTS more people doing good. People are happy binging Netflix, playing video games, go to work come home leave me alone.
But to someone who subconsciously assumes good works will save them, you can end up with a faithful churchgoer doing lots of volunteer work and helping people.
The difference between the do gooder and the faithful believer is the do gooder generally has a secret life at odds with their public one. Since they are doing good deeds out of self will, the self will express itself in bad behavior somehow.
I am thinking of people with really bad home lives, secret abusers, people involved in all kinds of immoral and sometimes illegal behavior. When their sins come to light, many fall.
This is so common most people just assume Christians are all hypocrites. They then look elsewhere for spiritual nourishment. This is an Enemy win.
I Am Depressed Reading This. Who Can Be Saved?
Basically what all that has in common is everyone in the above categories is operating out of self will. As long as you operate out of self, results will be the same whether your deeds are seemingly good or apparently bad.
You will live a difficult life and end up perishing eternally. This is the only possible end of a life lived in self will.
Yeah that is TERRIBLE. God thought so too.
So He sent His Son Jesus Christ to pay the price of your sins so you could be with Him forever.
Just accept Jesus, let Him run you and your life, and peace, happiness and eternal life are yours.
The key is Christ life. The key is Christ living in you, living His life through you. Christ is Life and its Source. He is the only Savior. Everything else is death.
I have more to say but think need to continue in another post.
If you want Jesus Christ to be your life, live His life through you, please pray with me:
Heavenly Father, I thank You for Your salvation in Your Son, Jesus Christ, Who is fully God and fully human. I believe He came in the flesh, died for my sins, was buried, and rose again on the third day. I now accept Him as my personal Lord and Savior. I praise You for this wonderful gift! In Jesus’ Name Amen.
Whoever else reads this, this is my letter to You.
So it is late. Super late. I went on a counseling site where it is a group chat. Everyone helps everyone, it is peer support.
You gave me keen and laser insight to a situation. I saw it all clearly and explained it simply. That person has good direction now on what they need to do next. Thank You Lord.
I popped up with more and more and they were all saying how wise I was. All problems seemed simple, solutions clear and obvious.
I ran through each situation, followed behavior patterns, drew correct conclusions swiftly.
I responded and thought, this isn’t me. How do I see so much, know so much, why is everything breathtakingly obvious to me?
It is because of Your wisdom, Your knowledge, Your Spirit Lord. I was aware my mind was working on far beyond any level I would consider normal.
I just got upset, said what if this is all wrong? You brought to mind all the real life evidence of why this is right and I am indeed walking with You.
Just, talking to all those people knew what next right thing to say was. Could see the truth so clearly in every situation.
My concern, Lord, is I want to KNOW You are using me. That it is Your Spirit speaking through me. That I am not myself deceived and perpetrating deception unknowingly.
I know only You reveal truth. You are unknowable unless You reveal Yourself. Your Word says so. You hide Yourself and none can find You.
Unless You wish to be found, You are unfindable.
I need to know, Jesus. I need to know if my medical conditions will result in death. I need to know if I am proclaiming Your Truth, or this blog is a dangerous exercise in futility.
Whatever others think or say, I need to know. Because nothing is more important than being right with You.
If this is wrong, blog goes away. I don’t know what to say but as being wrong means I continue to live, think this will be forgiven.
I completely and totally humble myself before You, prepared to accept and act on Your Truth whatever it may be. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
He says:
Very good, I told you My answer yesterday. Please link for the readers, thank you.
I didn’t understand any of it other than somehow I was that sword. Not in a literal sense. The sword reference in Ezekiel literally referred to Babylon, and how they destroyed Jerusalem and the temple.
I have never had pride so badly, praise the Lord, I thought I was some weird reincarnation of an ancient civilization or anything crazy like that.
Clearly the Lord meant something else by it. I really didn’t know. Sword references crop up again and again in my art and poetry ever after.
So tonight I say, Lord how do I know it is You? His reply is:
You’re My sword! Have been telling you this for years.
In fact, here is this art you made of it two years ago. So I have been telling you this for awhile!
Seren, can unravel complexities of others’ lives with greatest of ease thanks to Divine Wisdom. Not getting it when comes to her own life.
He is patient, says also:
Many others need to know the answer to your question, so I am answering everyone at once.
So I went back through my poetry which has been accumulating for literal years. Found this one, among many CLEARLY detailing the path I was on.
so I ask again are you brave if you don’t feel brave if every day is a struggle if every day you’d rather die than keep staggering along burdens crushing and overwhelming and yet you keep on you put one foot in front of the other after awhile you stop asking questions the pain so bad you can’t breathe after awhile, all pain to lose your resolve to wonder why you’re fighting is it worth it? who will this help? is my suffering meaningless? knowing always knowing the path is just going to get darker the track leads deeper into the mine the canary died. there is no way back now forward to face certain death. so as I struggle along I ask why fight? If I am going to lose anyway, why fight? once upon a time I had a dream and in it, the Lord said this person and this person and this other person you helped them you went through this so they didn’t have to. you distracted the enemy from hurting others your suffering is precious and I have collected every tear. Thank You, Lord, after all, soldiers die I am nothing if not a soldier fighting enemies unseen. the canary died so I will die, but my death deep in the mine is not for nothing it will break open many things.
Stop. Tell the world how the Enemy is interfering with the search for the truth.
Tell them about clicking on poetry links on DA that don’t open. Or open to another deviation. Mine or someone else’s.
Tell them about the poem you tried to access that scrolled non-stop in the preview rather than opening. When there is no code allowing that behavior.
Tell them about the one you couldn’t open at all, it wouldn’t open or led somewhere else.
Do mention how you try to copy/paste links and it doesn’t work. That you have resorted to backup backup methods, as normal methods regularly fail.
Say how programs on your phone have unexplained random failures for no reason. When you were trying to create an important art piece, the program refused to function.
Please continue.
So went forward and now no issues opening links or odd misbehaviors, thank You Jesus.
Go on through life getting darker and more horrible and then this.
she lifting all lay aborning tucked quiet beneath blankets mind stilled head spinny and pondered. Oh yes, like her mother, Mary (Mother of the Word), she pondered. Two gates closed and the third, about to fall. Youth and going back are not options. Truth will be determined, here and now. You choose your options: they are few. OK, she said, here I am. She presented herself to the King. Master, what would You have me do? There was silence. Only a cello could be heard. So she said, once again, Master, what would You have me do? And her beloveds said, you must choose. He will not tell you. And then the music rose, and she realized her sword lay idle her shield unburnished her armor lacked care. She realized it was her heart her spirit her will and not her mind that was required. And she realized that God needs no one’s prayers but other people need hers. Good, the King said. Seren, the King said, will you be My knight? will you fight for Me? Yes, she said. Yes, anything for You. Good, He said. Your sword is a scythe, Your harvest, the world. Go. And so purpose is set anew. Because God does not delight In the strength of horses But in all Who call upon His mercies. Amen.
Aha! The Lord had revealed through many poems you will be a sword, then the forging process, and finally here He reveals the purpose of the sword.
This wasn’t fantasy fiction but my real life. Every poem was inspired by spiritual and other kinds of reality.
Everything was learned through experiences I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I have had people want to be as strong as I am. I have to tell them, I cannot in good conscience wish on you the path I took here. That would basically be cursing you. I can’t do that.
I weep for what I went through towards the end before I fled my ex lest I die. I have few memories of it, but the little poetry that exists, the pain, horror and damage is obvious.
Then Tucson. I took a long break, began posting again many months into 2018. Had many adventures. Wrote this.
so on the other side of darkness in the land of the sun where snow never flies back in the cold place he who gave himself to evil still seeks my ruin and misery tirelessly working to cause the maximum harm. I do not fear him. But tonight he has snared a child of the Father seeking to drag her down to his father the devil. I see the angels and demons battle. My time is short; that plane is coming. Healing but not all was healed. But He made us a sword. A sword, a sword for slaughter And set us against evil, And wields us as He wishes. And I realize: time is short but time is not up. He did not excuse us from the spiritual battles; they are thicker than ever. And as our body grows weaker our spirit grows stronger burning with Divine fire not counting the cost. We are not done. We have not fought Our last battle. Tonight the minion of the Enemy does the will of his father. And we will do ours. And it is on, and serving the Lord has never been more important than now.
I went into the psych ward for 11 days not long after I wrote this.
So little Seren, what do you think of all this? Please tell Me and the readers what you conclude by all I have just shown you.
My conclusions, Lord, are that You came to me in 2017 and said, you are going to be a sword. Then You in fact made me this sword, and there are real life records of the process.
What I see is I have known for a long time life was short and why that was. I didn’t know when but I knew for literally years life was short.
I wrote quite a bit about it. The records were automatically date stamped on a public site I don’t control; therefore, the dates can be relied on.
I see that tonight I came to You and You unfailingly led me to all this. To Ezekiel 21 when I didn’t consciously know what was in that particular chapter.
And the process of creating this post testifies to the involvement of unearthly forces. There is no logical, rational, scientific explanation for any of this.
Programs are based off code that always behaves the same. Programs do not behave randomly for no reason at all.
So supernatural forces are at work here. This we have proven beyond a shadow of a doubt.
So Who is speaking to me? Running the show? Do we really have any way to know?
Now that we have established You are undeniably real and behind this, can we establish it is really You, the Lord Jesus Christ, Lamb of God, King of kings and Lord of lords, speaking to me now?
He inspired me to dig up the Biblical instructions for testing spirits, which are as follows:
“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, for many false prophets have gone out into the world.By this you know the Spirit of God: every spirit that confesses that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God,and every spirit that does not confess Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you heard was coming and now is in the world already.” ~ 1 John 4:1-3, ESV.
I also found this helpful site, and am quoting the following instructions from it. There is a lot more to deliverance in general, and I recommend getting help with that, but this is a decent summary.
Ask the spirit who his Lord and Master is. The spirit better say his Lord and Master is Jesus Christ. If the spirit cannot confess that Jesus Christ is his Lord and Master – then he is not an angel from God.
I would then tell her to ask the spirit to confess to her that Jesus Christ has cometo our earth in the flesh. If this spirit cannot make this specific confession to her – then this spirit is definitely not from God!
Very good, Seren. The standards I Myself wrote in My Word are clear. I am about to unmistakably prove My identity.
I am Jesus, the First and the Last, the Alpha and the Omega, He Who overcame. I am the King of kings, Lord of lords, Judge of the living and the dead. I am the Lamb of God. I, Jesus Christ, am the Word Incarnate Who came in the flesh. I died for your sins, mankind, to gather you all to Myself. I rose again in a real physical body as the forerunner of all resurrections. I am alive forevermore. I Myself am Everlasting Life, and its only and true Source.
I testify I am behind Seren and her blog and am the operating principle in her life. I testify what she says I have spoken here, I have indeed spoken.
Her words and actions are not perfect; only Mine are. She will fail and fall as she is only human.
Praise You Lord Jesus Christ!! Praise You!!
I think that completely settles EVERYTHING.
I want to additionally note it has been a massive struggle with all tech just to create this post. WordPress misbehaved as well as Deviant Art. My phone misbehaved also. The Enemy doesn’t want this out there!!
In the end I turned to the Lord. He always unfailingly is here for me. He never fails.
I am an expert in others failing me; I have experience with almost every abuse, sin and harm. I could do counseling in almost any area based off personal experience.
The Lord never fails. Others do, and sometimes they don’t want to, even. The flesh is weak. We all need mercy. ❤
He says,
“You are Jephthah’s Daughter. I am about to explain to you and the world why I created you.
“First of all you are a sign. As a consecrated sacrifice to Me, your life isn’t your own. It is Mine to do with as I choose.
“In My Word, My prophets lived horrible lives. I asked one to lay on his side for hundreds of days, eat bread baked with feces (Ezekiel).
“I asked one to marry a whore with the resultant heartbreak and destruction of his personal life. To be a sign and witness (Hosea).
“I killed a prophet’s wife to make a point, and he had to continue serving the next day and did so (Ezekiel).
“My prophets and servants were imprisoned, beaten, persecuted, stoned, scourged. This was normal life for them!
“In My infinite wisdom, I did all this. My true servants are always under the sign of the persecution you have lived your life under.
“And now I am taking you home soon, as your body cannot sustain life much longer.
“I could recreate your body, but I am not the Lord of unending toil, but the Lord Who grants rest and peace to the weary.
“Well done, thou good and faithful servant.
“Continue proclaiming Me with your entire life until the moment I take you home to be with Me forever.”
Thank You, Lord. I accept and receive this word. In Jesus’ Name, Amen. ❤❤❤
Heavenly Father, as I have prayed previously, I ask before the world only Your Word and truth be proclaimed in this post. Only Your will be done and no one else’s. I humbly ask this in Jesus’ Name, Amen.
So I am writing because I went before the Lord and said, am I really dying?
It is a good question. I factually have several very serious medical conditions. There are different approaches to forecasting the results of those. But regardless of what man determines, the Lord trumps all.
He is the Lord of healing. He is the Lord of resurrection. Dead bodies are no problem; He can bring those back to life!
Jesus Christ Has The Keys Of Hell And Death
He also solely determines when life ends, and is involved in every death. In the following quote, the Lord Jesus Christ is speaking to the Apostle John in the Book of Revelation.
“…Do not be afraid; I am the First and the Last. I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold I am alive forevermore. Amen. And I have the keys of Hades and of Death.” ~ Revelation 1:17-18, NKJV.
This quite literally means Jesus Christ has the power over Death and determines who goes to Hell. He does the latter in His role as judge over the living and the dead.
Jesus Christ Is Life And The Source Of All Life
This is the real point of my post and what the Lord showed me. He took me to Psalm 31 and asked me to write about it.
But before He would give me a single word, He made me accept that I am dying.
The medical conditions I have are very very real and very serious.
Regardless, He could cure them if He wished. Resurrection also isn’t an issue for Him or entirely remaking bodies from dried up, useless bones (Ezekiel 37).
He can seriously do anything He wishes; He is the Lord. No situation is too far gone for the most part, and the exceptions to this are clearly spelled out in His Word (blasphemy of the Holy Spirit and taking the mark of the Beast come immediately to mind).
Jesus Can Raise The Dead
I want to emphasize the condition of a body is no obstacle to the Lord, as demonstrated by the story of the resurrection of Lazarus. (John 11).
Basically, the Lord found out His friend Lazarus was sick. He hung out where He was for two extra days after He received the news, then journeyed to Lazarus’ house. This took awhile, and by the time He got there Lazarus had been dead four days.
The body was juicy, y’all. It was not hygienically stored in a fridge; it was lying in a cave. It had therefore been rotting for a bit, and Martha, in particular, objected that “Lord, by this time there will be a stench, for he has been dead four days.” (John 11:39).
That was the point, honestly. Jesus stayed where He was two extra days so Lazarus WOULD die. Then it took awhile to get to Lazarus’ house, as He was a decent distance (roughly 20 miles) away, so more time passed. This is so the body had time to decompose. Why? To prove a point!!
Jesus had already given the answer to the pop quiz that was the resurrection of Lazarus. He is good like that; He wants us to have the answers so we can pass the tests He gives.
Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life; he who believes in Me will live even if he dies,and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die. Do you believe this?” ~ John 11:25-26, NASB.
And then Jesus proved this was true by raising Lazarus from the dead!
“Now when He had said these things, He cried with a loud voice, “Lazarus come forth!” And he who had died came out bound hand and foot with graveclothes, and his face was wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Loose him, and let him go.” ~ John 11:43-44, NKJV.
The Bible doesn’t say “and the dead body came forth.” Jesus didn’t make a zombie. He raised Lazarus; Lazarus in his own now completely restoredbody came forth, bound in graveclothes, and just needed to be unbound to go back to living his life!
This little incident led directly to Jesus’ crucifixion and death (John 11:47-53), which we KNOW happened, so yeah, this is all very real! And had some very serious consequences for Jesus, too.
Clearly If Jesus Can Restore Life To A Dead, Rotting Body, He Can Heal My Body!
Clearly. So it just then boils down to: will He?
Medical conditions, however serious, not an obstacle. Actual physical decomposition, not an obstacle. Bones so dry and weathered they’re only good for ART projects, no problem! He can and will do WHATEVER He wants.
Jesus ALONE determines life and death. He IS Life itself; He ALONE has the keys of Death!
I believe He has said to me, no, not this time. For you, Seren, it is time to rest.
And this is the answer no one wants to hear. Including me.
Nothing Bad Will Happen
I just saw an ad on PureFlix for a movie about a young Amish woman who travels to another community and finds love. Dang, I want all that.
I want to see the ocean. I want to eat good meals with loved ones. I want to travel.
I want to sit on the beach in the Bahamas and let the sun warm my skin, and blog about it.
Life is precious; I want more of it. I could do so much. I am not ready for it to be over.
Judging on reactions I am getting, nobody is.
How this is actually going down is, I get up daily and talk about this stuff. Then talk to my beloved friends, my brothers and sisters and Christ. Everyone is carrying on exactly as if nothing unusual is happening.
Maybe if we all pretend hard enough everything is fine, nothing bad will happen!
Life will unroll day after precious day, we will all stay in denial and hopefully the Damocles sword will never drop. If we all stick our fingers in our ears and sing fa-la-la the golden days will turn into years and nothing bad will happen.
A couple people thought they got crazy messages from God; you will be healed, everything will be fine! One thought I was gonna go visit him even.
There are more sober skeptics. But the general attitude is we really want you to be wrong. Only my enemies want me dead.
Jesus Gets The Glory Regardless
I think everyone would be super happy if I could honestly report the Lord cured me of all the conditions the hospital reported finding. Or could just report that, against all odds, I continue to survive although my body is horribly broken.
This is NOT what He has led me to believe will happen, however.
Remember, Jesus is Life, the Source of Life, and alone has power over Death. So whatever He says goes. For me. For you. For everyone.
I believe He has decreed eternal rest for me, and this is what responsible servants of His I trust have discerned also.
Why???
I am in the unique position of knowing my death is coming and reporting on stuff as I go. And therefore able to ask and answer questions as to why this is happening, which I am sure more than one person has asked.
The Lord took me to Psalm 31. This jumped out at me.
“Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; my eye wastes away with grief, yes my soul and my body! For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; my strength fails because of my iniquity, and my bones waste away.” ~ Psalm 31:9-10, NKJV.
What this says to me is things like grief and sorrow and emotional suffering spend your life, consume your years, affect your actual body. Your very bones waste away.
I am very very very tired. The spirit is willing but the body has HAD it.
The Lord is not the Lord of workaholism; He created the Sabbath so man would be forced to rest one day a week. He is the Lord of Sabbath rest.
He Himself rested after His work of creation (Genesis 2:1-3).
And that is the je ne sais quoi in this situation. I am very very tired and need to rest.
That is really the bottom line. I need to rest. I cannot live this way forever; He literally won’t allow it.
As Far As I Know, I Am Going To Die
My body has said ENOUGH! and is breaking down. Jesus could keep fixing it, but it would probably try to break down more.
I could go for lots of treatment; panic in general, insist on all the care possible for every disease. I have opted to go like this instead. I will honestly likely live longer that way.
So I don’t know how long. I really really don’t. I just know life is short.
I promised Jesus His own video. Haven’t gotten to it yet. But will.
He gets me. He gets this kind of epic heartbreaking soul searing repeated rejection in the face of Love. He lived it and wrote a book. The book is called the Bible.
He understands what it’s like to have your friends abandon you when you die as His did.
He understands what it’s like when the crowd mocks you as that happened to Him.
He understands dying in front of haters. If He died today it would be broadcast worldwide on every channel and everyone would upload their own videos. He understands drama.
He understands dying alone in immense suffering as He did.
He understands what it feels like to have a friend betray you to your death. Kiss you and let in the killers.
He spent a lot of time running away from people, on mountaintops alone with His Dad. He spent 40 days in the wilderness starving and then had to fight the Devil alone after.
He was surrounded by a bunch of people who didn’t understand Him and had their own agenda. The guy who betrayed Him also stole from Him regularly.
He loved them anyway.
I am trying. But I in any case know He has my back. That He is always there. Good bad ugly Seren losing it like this. He will always be there. If no one helps He will even if He has to do a miracle to do it.
That I can never do something so awful He won’t be there. Although I don’t want to test that.
So suicidally devoted to Him and hang everything on Him.
Jephthah's Daughter 